My husband has always been very supportive of his mother. He loves her very much but doesn't like her choices. We've been married two years. We're both college grads and value hard work. His mother has done domestic work for a living and has always had government assistance. My husband expresses his concern to her about her future b/c she doesn't have any $ saved. He offered to help her in bettering herself...job skill training...starting her own cleaning business...$ for education..etc. He was willing to help her help herself. He was very persistent and she refused the help, making excuses about why she couldn't do anything for herself. Also she hasn't worked in awhile. She's in serious financial trouble and blames my husband for not paying it! When he mentions helping her 'help herself' (getting a job) she blows up! She spread lies about us and tries to manipulate and use the 'guilt trip'. We're in our 20's & just starting out. She's 54. Talking hasn't worked. What should we do?
2007-09-13 11:41:39 · 9 answers · asked by a anonymous 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There is nothing you can do or need to do that will be productive. Your mother in law has made it clear that she wants you and your husband to support her for the rest of her life and take care of her like she was the child. You and your husband have decide your not going to help someone who won't help themselves. Love has nothing to do with this. I would stop offering and no longer discuss finances with her.
The only hope you got is for her to hook up with a man with some cash. When she gets to the point of realizing that no one is going to plant a money tree for her and she needs to do something she will. Until then don't stress or look for her to see things your way. Her bills are not your responsibility.
2007-09-14 03:08:28 · answer #1 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you and your husband should work as a team. You are committed to each other now, and although it's his mother you are talking about here, she is definitively causing stress and problems in your marriage. So you have to distance yourselves from her. She is NOT going to change- so you'll have to decide what is best for you and your marriage.
If your husband is an only child, it will make things tougher, IMO.
But if he has brothers or sisters to help out, he should get them involved immediately. It isn't fair that he is the one stuck with this problem if she has other children.
Good luck and stay strong. Talk things over with your husband and once you agree on what to do, carry it out.
Don't let her manipulate you or your husband anymore. She is a grown up, and she has to deal with the consequences of her decisions.
2007-09-13 21:46:53 · answer #2 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it seems very harsh but you need to cut her off.
Luckily, in my situation, it was only a cell phone that my husband was paying for. Which was like, six or seven hundred dollars every month! He was also sending his mother money at times to help her out. I put a stop to it as soon as I found out where all of his money was going back when we were engaged.
You need to tell her that you both are in a marriage....and that marriage does not include her. You need to take care of each other. She has had plenty of opportunities to get help and whatnot. Now she needs to be on her own. Cut off ties. Or just stop talking to her as much. She obviously isn't going to change...she has been doing this her whole life. She hasn't taken care of herself and it seems like she doesn't want to. She can't blame anybody but her.
Good luck.
2007-09-13 18:48:41 · answer #3 · answered by Brittany 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing that you can do. She wants a free ride and unless you are willing to do that there is nothing else that you can do but let it go.
We were in a very similar situation with my mother and it got to the point where we were fighting over what to do all the time. I finally made a stand and my mother got very rude and angry. There was nothing else to do but we are happier now for it.
2007-09-13 18:49:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is it possible she is suffering from depression? If you can get a Dr to evaluate her would be a step.
She might suffer from social anxiety too...being afraid to be "out there" where she has to deal with people.
Its hard to believe there isnt something she loves and to be able to work in it could be fulfilling to her. You might try and get her to a career counselor to help her find something she would like to do. She sounds like she has no confidence at all.
Her blaming others is a cop out and she needs to be set straight. Dont coddle her neurosis.
2007-09-13 18:49:45 · answer #5 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
does she live with you ? if she does not then there is not much you can say . But just tell your husband to stop footing her bills . maybe she is scared to get a job and lets face it not many companies are going to hire a woman her age . sorry to say but that is how our society is they dont value the elderly . I hope that she finds something soon . good luck .
2007-09-13 18:48:48 · answer #6 · answered by Kate T. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time to cut the apron strings.
Your first responsibility is to your marriage, not his mother. If his mother's getting in the way of your marriage and being destructive, cease contact.
2007-09-13 18:47:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave her alone and let her live her own life. Your husband should have butted out to begin with.
2007-09-13 23:40:57 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time to cut bait and let his mother grow up, as ironic as that sounds.
2007-09-13 19:06:11 · answer #9 · answered by x2000 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋