We fought...she passed away...now what?

Question

2 years ago my friend passed away and right before she passed me and her got into a fight. This is hard to say but I told her that I would not care if i ever saw her again.

I still get upset at the fact I said that. I can not make peace with myself that she is gone and everything that has happend. I am only 17. My parents wont let me goto her grave or tell me were it is. Is there anyway of finding out where she is? Her parents moved away and I cant talk to them. I just want to make peace of this. I hate it, I miss her and I want her back in my life. I cant move on. I want to. Ive tried to pray to her and tell her im sorry. Ive writtin a note and let it go in the sky saying im sorry. I just cant make peace...what should i do?

Answer 1

First we all say things we don't mean and at the time in the heat of the moment you probably did mean it, but she would forgive you. You can't forgive yourself is the problem. You need to go to a quiet place where you won't be disturbed.
Calm yourself and bow your head. If you believe in God you know he is there and can hear you. If you know your friend believed in God and the dead are in his presence she is there also. Talk to them outloud....tell your friend you are very sorry and if you could do it over you would never say it. Tell her you hurt and ask her forgiveness. Ask God to forgive you and grant you the peace you need to get beyond this. Tell him you know all things are possible through him and that this is something you can not get beyond on your own. Ask God to allow you to forgive yourself. Cry if you feel like it...don't hold it back or anything you feel like saying to God or your friend. After you finish.. sit there quietly and allow yourself the time to feel the peace and inner renewed spirit that will follow. I had to do this when my husband passed away two years ago. I was with him through the whole thing except the last hour I copped out, my blood pressure and blood sugar so high put me in bed. I couldn't forgive myself for not being there at his last breath. I talked to my pastor and this is what he told me to do and it worked. God Bless you, it will be ok.

Answer 2

I think it is important to remember that the person you need to make peace with is yourself. Your friend cannot come to you and tell you that everything is alright, that she forgives you, that she knows that you did not mean for her to die; although I am sure she probably would. I am sure that the fight you had was probably only one samll moment in a friendship that was otherwise full of love and good feelings. Make a point, even a habit, of remembering those things, those times and events. When you talk to her, or write to her, say things like, "remember when...." and retell a funny memory, or something that you loved about her. The fight you had was probably very trivial in comparison. Forgive yourself, and the way to forgive yourself is to see yourself compassionately. You had feelings of anger and in a moment said things that you, on your deepest levels, did not actually mean. How often do we all do that? You could not have known the timing. In your mind, become who you will be at thirty and then look at the situation. You will see two girls who were very young, even perhaps immature, behaving in way that is normal of young girls. Forgive yourself.

The value in any situation is ultimately how it shapes you as a person. Now you can see absolutely that the little things that seem so big pale in importance to the heartfelt love between two people. This knowledge will make you a better friend, partner, spouse, parent. You will now know better how to say the things that are important and drop all the stuff that is on the surface. I will say it again - forgive yourself. Forgive yourself and learn. In time you will move on.

Answer 3

Fate is both a simple thing and yet a complex thing. You're friend would have passed away whether or not you argued. Accept the fact your friend is gone and the fact that it was not your fault. That's the thing about friends. We don't always agree, and we spit and spat and curse each other because we have different views, different mindsets. But here's a life's lesson for you. We should treat our friends as if it was the last time we were ever going to see them. Pray for peace in your heart. And it will come.
Your friend's obituary should tell the name of the funeral home. The funeral home should tell you the cemetary. The director of the cemetary should be able to tell you the location, unless it was requested of them to be discrete. Mourn your friends passing, but blame not yourself for your words. We all say things we regret. Fortunately, we ususally have the opportunity to say we're sorry. A time worn saying is, "A lesson earned is a lesson learned." And I've learned from your experience and I thank you.

Answer 4

Ah man! That really sucks, Im so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much pain u've gone through, but that's just it...i think uve suffered enough of the consequences already. You need to stop killing yourself over it and move on-cuz ur still alive! Just because you cant find the grave site to where shes at, it doesnt mean thats the only way u can connect with her. I know its seems legitimate, but there are other ways. In my opinion, i think ur parents are being selfish for not sharing that info with u, since it was ur friend and they could cleary see that u need to do this. But, u did send out a 'sorry note' and a 1000 other apologizes, Im sure. i truly believe that you've been heard.

Now, you need to look after you. If u guys were close, then she wouldnt want u to go through this anymore-its been 2 yrs, honey. U didnt kill her, it just happened and ur not in control of anyones death. So, u need to let it go. Its gonna make u so much stronger. To do this, u need to talk urself out of thinking about it-completely. It doesnt mean u've forgotten about her, it just means that u'll be able to look at it differently in the future. You cant continue living in this misery because other opportunities wont have room to enter if u keep dwelling on the past.

Stay strong.

Answer 5

Wow. This one is tough. I am really sorry that things ended this way and how guilty you feel. Although I can't imagine what it would be like or how tough this would be if I were you...I guess the best advice I can give you is do your best to think about other things. That doesn't mean you have to forget about your friend...but just try to keep it off your mind so much to where it doesn't hurt you as much. That'll be hard, but you can try filling up your schedule with activities to where you won't have time to think about that horrible day. Try something new. Is there something you have always wish you have done but never tried? Now's the time. Also, that is really upseting and makes NO sense to me why your parents won't let you go to her grave or talk to their parents. Personally, that seems just wrong to me. I'm so sorry they won't let you. Maybe you can confide in a trusted Aunt or school counselor and tell them the situation and how you feel. Tell them how your parents won't let you go to her grave, and maybe in some way they can help or have it arranged to be searched for. Basically, talk to someone you trust...it helps to talk about these things, especially someone who knows you. I hope this helps. May God be with you and your friend. :-)

Answer 6

I'm sooooo sorry that happened to you. If I were you, I would make a memorial of her like in the woods or in an empty lot (make sure it's not owned, you could get in big trouble if it was owned). Or you could ask the owner, and if they knew her, they'd probably let you make one in her honor.

Then write her a letter about how sorry you are and then put any of her stuff you have (if she gave you anything like a friendship bracelet) in a box and in the memorial with the letter and bury it.

If she was a good natured person, she's heard your praying and apologizes and that's good enough for her. She hears you, and forgives you, I don't think anyone could not forgive you because you've done just about everything.

Just remember that the world goes on, don't be stuck on what happened and just live with your surroundings. She with you as a guardian, and a companion.
God Bless You.
~Emie =)

Answer 7

Similar thing happened with me and my mother. We had a difference of opinion on the telephone. She called back to try to keep it going but I didn't answer, so she left a voice mail. On the voice mail I could hear her straining with all her might as she said "Have you lost your sensibilities?" She put everything she had into it and about an hour later she had a stroke went into a coma and died about a week later. I listened to that message several times. I still know I was right but she always put her pride first and this time I insisted upon talking to our minister about a family issue and she was against it. Too bad she didn't support me in this matter. Like the bible says about great pride and a great fall.... Don't be so tough on yourself. If she had lived you guys probably wouldn't have gotten along much anyway. You didn't cause the death.....heck you could say I caused my mother's death by upsetting her, but I don't see it that way. God knows what's up. Pray to God once more and let him know how you feel in order to make a finish to this business, then let it go.

Answer 8

I'd try to contact her parents. I would try to send a letter by mail to their old address - they may have paid the post office to redirect mail to their new address. Or phone their old number, see if it is redirected, and do a reverse search on the phone number. Also, you can check with the newspapers in the city the funeral was held in - you might be able to find out what church / funeral home the funeral was at, and then from there, get a copy of the 'order of service' which should list the gravesite. If that doesn't work, visit / phone the 'land registry office' or whatever they call it in your country, where they keep lists of who owns what house and when it was sold to someone else. You may be able to identify the real estate lawyer from this, and get the new address from the lawyer.

I'm sure God will forgive you (if you ask Him to), and after that, forgive yourself.

Sincerely,
my-highschool-crush-died.

Answer 9

First of all, do you know how many people can relate to this. Unfortunately, quite a few.

Friends and family members tell one another things and then bad things happen and they can't forgive themselves, etc. etc.

That part wasn't meant to console you but just pointing out you are not in an isolated circumstance.

I would strongly suggest you talk to the school counselor, a pastor if you go to church, or someone you know you can trust.

By the way, if there is a good church in your area, it really does help to heal things like this to attend a Young Adult sunday school class and get involved in YA activities through your church. Spirituality and often church has a wonderful way of healing these deep-seated things and I don't think we can even fully understand it but it does.

You're trying to carry too much burden when trust me, she wouldn't want you to.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

how sad..
but now she's in heaven, and she knows that you're sorry
i can't help you on where you can find her grave, but here's a few tips:
get a medium sized box
gather all your memories of her: pictures, gifts, or a special random thing that you remember talking about.
put them in the box
and just kind of pretend that you are in front of her, because she IS there, watching you.
talk to her, and tell her youre sorry. talk to her as if she was actually there
after, dont look in the box and cry your eyes out too much.
just look at it from time to time, about once a day, then narrowing it down to once a week.
because its finally time to move on.
i hope you get passed this.
good luck!