Is this unfair?

Question

I decided to put my divorce on hold and give my husband a chance to make things up like he asked Now I have a question about one of the things that I want to ask him to do and I want to know if its too much or if I am right in asking him to do it. What I am wanting to ask him to do is to delete every single female friend out of his cell phone. By that I mean single as not married not every female in his phone.

I have looked in his phone before when we got back together one time, after a rumor had started that he cheated, and saw several female names in there and I had no clue who these women were. I want to say to him either he does this or its over, because I have a feeling he is going to make a big deal out of it because he said he never cheated, but I feel like a married man shouldn't have other womens phone numbers in his phone. Especially if they aren't just number of his friends wives! I also want to tell him that if they call him he needs to tell them that their friendship has to be put on hold because he has to focus on his marriage right now. Is this unfair?

I don't trust him plain and simple. We have been having problems since February and his first instinct is to run and do something that will hurt me the most. I have a lot of trust issues and he knows that and we had gotten past them until the cheating rumor. And also until the weekend that I kicked him out when he went to a party and later found out that she was there and he didn't leave like he was supposed to. This is his last chance, but things are going to be done my way, I am not going to deal with all this anymore and I feel like if he wants to make it work then he should be willing to do whatever it takes.

Answer 1

I think it is completely fair. How can you trust him when he has phone numbers on his phone of single women who you dont know. You have every right to have him delete them, if he's not calling them then why have them on his phone in the first place, but if he is calling them it is most likely that he will cheat. If he really wants you back he should be more than willing to delete these other females.

Answer 2

You've posted before about this subject? or someone else has the same issue?

Either way the rumour isnt a rumour sorry but thats just my own personal oppinion , tell him flat out he is to delete all number's of female's in his cell phone and that "includes" his mate's wive's why does he need their number's ? he's friend's with the husband's not the wive's , the only person who should be speaking to the women of the male friends is YOU , what are you thinking allowing him to keep their numbers just because they have wedding ring's on?You dont think they would cheat on their significant other? your not that nieve.

If he gets mad and starts saying he has never cheated on you so there is no reason to delete the numbers well you have your decision made dont you? because the anger come's from guilt and the guilt come's from the fact he cheated and he is scared you'll stop guessing and start finding out who , where and how many.

Your a stronger woman then me i posted a question asking if I should give my husband a 2nd chance everyone told me no so I told him we were done.I dont have it in me anymore to fight someone who can disrespect me on such a grand scale.

Answer 3

A.) The married ones are an equal (sometimes bigger) threat

B.) Yes ask him to do so. While in reality deleting the number doesn't mean anything. It will not prevent or reassure you that he is not talking to them and/or cheating. What you will gain from this is depending upon his willingness and reaction to your asking you will be able to tell if he is serious about making things work with you and regaining your trust.

C.) Sometimes unreasonable things that might seem immature to some are necessary for the good of a relationship. If those things aren't difficult, (which certainly deleting females numbers is not), then a loving partner is willing to help.

D.) It is very likely that the rumors are true and that your trip down the path of being betrayed is not over. Seek counseling to get this out in the open.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

I think it is COMPLETELY fair. Why on earth would he need to talk to any other women if he is supposed to be focusing on rebuilding with you? A man and woman cannot be friends. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. No matter what anyone says. If a man is friends with a woman, vice versa, there is some attraction there, whether they know it or not, or they wouldn't be friends. The entire reason man created man and woman was for us to be attracted to the opposite sex. You have every right to ask him to delete them. Forget those that say it is okay, cause it isn't. If he is talking to another woman on the phone that isn't work related, then what in the world is he talking about? He shouldn't need to talk to any other woman besides you, especially since you are trying to get back together.

Answer 5

I know how you are feeling. My husband has lots of girls that are just friends. He was happy to get rid of some of them when I requested it...although that was back when we were dating. I then found out that he put a lot of the girls phone numbers under guys names. Like Jennifer was now Josh...and Patricia was now Pat. Which was a huge argument when I found that out...

Just recently I found out that he has cheated. I can tell you that if you don't trust him now...you wont be able to trust him later. Plus, a womans intuition is usually right. In my case, I was right. Do not put your divorce on hold. Go for it. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck! God bless!

Answer 6

It's not unfair to want him to focus his attention to you, but asking him to delete single females from his phone is pointless. For one thing all he would have to do is assign them male names and you would never be the wiser, or if he knows their number by memory, then he could just dial it. Deleting them shouldn't be the issue. It's his commitment to you that you should be concerned with, and if he has told you he is 100% ccommitted to making this work, I think you would be starting on the wrong foot to try to control who he has on his phone. You need to take him at his word for now until he proves other wise. If things go well, he should delete them because wants to anyway. Concentrate on your marriage and less on these females. JMHO

Edited:
I guess my point is, fair or not, it is pointless. It does not ensure he isn't going to cheat. It is giving yourself the illusion of power by making him delete the numbers. It doesn't actually give you any more assurance that he will stay faithful. All it does is make him aware to cover his tracks a little better. If you can't trust him with the numbers in his phone, you still can't trust him without them. You can ask him, or demand, that he does whatever you tell him to, and he may comply for a while, but you can't make him remain faithful. He has to do that on his own.
Personally, I would rather he kept the numbers in there, so I can check it periodically to see if any new number pops up, or check the phone bill against them to see if he is calling them. Telling him to delete them only gives him a heads up that you are watching.

Answer 7

If their weren't trust issues, I would say you were being unfair. But since it's a last chance due to trust issues, then I would say they have to be deleted as a jesture of good faith in wanting the marriage to work. If he refuses, then you know where he stands on the marriage.

Answer 8

He has to rebuild your trust in him, so what you're asking is perfectly fair. If he's sincere, he should have no problem not only deleting the numbers, but also checking in with you on his whereabouts.

It takes time to get the trust back. Explain this to him and see where it goes.

Answer 9

I dont think that is unfair. When I suspected my husband was cheating and he denied it, I told him that he needed to stop talking, seeing, anything with his female "friend". When he told me that he could not, would not give up a friend for me I knew it was over.

Answer 10

Why even bother? You have said it yourself you just don't trust him plain and simple. Why put yourself through more drama and heartache when you know in your heart he's gonna do it again.