Am I wrong for being upset?

Question

Husband has now been asked to take his four children and provide a home for them because mom is on drugs. This situation has been going on for about 4 years and now it's take them or foster care will have them. We have been married for 6 years; have a three bedroom ranch home; my son and daughter live with us (daughter in college). We really don't have the extra room; they would be sleeping on cots in the living room. Three girls (19, 16, 15) one boy (14). I have been accused of not caring because I haven't responded as to what should happen. His children have alot of anger because they feel they have been neglected by him, mother's family. Now he said "he is going to do what he needs to do for his kids--and if that means moving out and getting a place for them to live and he live with them--that's what he is going to do". I'm crushed and now our marriage is over. I am I wrong for being mad because I was not asked first?

You are ALL right. I talked to my 15yr. son about the what has happened and he told me, "we have to take them in, they don't have anyone else to help them, and divorce is not an option". I just got a real reality check from ALL of you. I don't mind the name calling-I deserve it. I was being selfish and only thinking baout myself. Now I need to talk to my husband and let him know that we will and can make it work. I don't think I can thank ALL of you enough!!! I can't pick one best answer because ALL the answers are the best. I do ask that you ALL pray for us!!
Thank you.

Answer 1

They are his kids! Your kids could have shared their room with them and you could have given up your room for one or two of the children. I'm glad he left you. He is a good father and husband and you are a bad wife.

Answer 2

I can totally understand why you're upset. Taking in 4 more kids (even without the emotional problems) is a huge undertaking, and a big responsibility. It's not something most of us would want to face.

However, your husband is right to step in and take care of his kids. There's no way around it without him being a bad dad. And do you want to be married to a man who's a bad dad?

Correct me if I'm wrong: you say that you "haven't responded as to what should happen." This indicates that you WERE made aware of the situation, and asked for your input. OK, so you feel that there's not enough room in your house for 4 more teenagers, and that they shouldn't be staying with you. Fair enough - but what do you expect your husband to do? Send the kids to the foster home? I only see three options for you guys: making room for the kids in your current home; moving into a bigger home to accommodate the kids; or, your husband taking the kids and moving out on his own. I'm sorry, but if you exclude the "give up on the kids and send them to the foster home" option, this is all you are left with. If you turn down the first two, then who can blame your husband for looking at the last-resort alternative?

When you marry a person with children, you acknowledge and accept their responsibility for their children. This is just how it goes.

Answer 3

You are 100% wrong.
I don't think you are mad about not being asked first..it sounds like you had a pretty good life without having his kids full time and now that they will be there, you are mad about.

You don't have enough room in your house? So what, make room. You have to rearrange your life for them? Big deal, they are innocent children and when you knowingly married a guy who had four kids from a previous marriage, THAT IS WHAT YOU SIGNED ON FOR!

They have every right to be angry, they have been neglected by you, your husband, and their mom's family. If this has been going on for four years now, that means you and your husband have sat by and watched YOUR stepchildren live with a parent who is on drugs. That is despicable in my mind. You both ought to be ashamed that you didn't take them earlier and let the state get involved.

His son can certainly share a room with your son. One of the girls can share with your girl, and you find room for the other two. Its not that hard. If you love your husband like you say you do, don't be crushed, find a solution.

Answer 4

Wowsers. That is a heavy question. I am sorry for your plight. Sounds just horrible. I don't think you are wrong for being upset.

My first question is if this has been going on for four years why haven't you responded before now? Don't you think your husband should be providing for and taking care of his kids if their mother isn't providing them with a good stable home?

Are you hoping that your hubby would turn his back on his kids and let a foster home take care of them?

It sounds to me like you are worried about how this is affecting your life and your home instead of how you can help these teenage kids of his and by marriage YOUR kids.

I am sure that his 4 kids are angry. Put yourself in their place for a moment and look at it from their point of view... they are seeing that they are disrupting their dad's life!! Instead of their dad and stepmom helping them when they need some love and guidance they see the two of you fighting. It doesn't matter if you have legitimate worries or concerns... all they can see is that you aren't opening up your arms and taking in these kids (which I am NOT saying is easy)!! They are seeing that you (step-moms often look like the bad guy) are making their dad pick between you and them.

I honestly hope that you and your hubby can work it out and that you can try to see his side to. It sounds like he is just trying to be a good dad!

Answer 5

I think that it's your selfishness that has caused your marriage to break up.
How do you think that it's right for your husband to look after your own kids but not his????
They are his flesh and blood and you would have them fostered because your house would get a bit cramped????
Well, now you'll have all the space for you and your children, how does it feel???
Yes, I am being horrible because when you marry a guy who has chidlren, that doesn't make them disappear or them being fatherless.
So, now, who do you think should be responsible for your own kids????
So, if you were to start with someone else, who would you expect help from for your children???/
What goes round comes round.
In my opinion, if you want to save your marriage, you have to start showing a little bit more understanding and be ready to share the material.
Children do grow up. They don't remain children for ever. And the best way to a father's heart, is his children if you didn't know!

Answer 6

You married a man with 4 children, you have been around for 6years+ of those kids lives and this is the best you can do? If this was your kids dad, how would you feel?

Have alittle compassion. The boy could share a room with your son, and the younger girls can move into your daughters empty room and the older one can be made a bedroom in the basement or attic, whichever you have. If not, then she goes into the room with the girls with the idea that she should be in college too.

You expected your husband to provide for your children, but you have issues with him providing for his. Of course those kids are angry, but you as well as he are to blame. So get busy and try to fix that. You should have and could have done that years ago, and this is the consequences of your selfishness. If your marriage ends over this, then so be it, but it sounds like he is at least going to grow up and try to be a father.

Answer 7

I think that you and your husband need to talk. I certainly understand him feeling that he needs to care for his children, and he should.
You do however, need to both sit down with the children and set ground rules, expectations etc. I would also recommend counseling for him and the children and you if you are going to be a part of it.
Not an easy situation, but if you love your husband, you will make it work.
My hubby and I had to take on all five of our children in a 3 bedroom apt. We took the small room and gave the boys the master and our daughter her own room. After she moved out, we reorganized, but she came back. I turned the dining area into a bedroom. It's all about what you truly want. Husband, or divorce.

Answer 8

You are very wrong. If their mother is on drugs...and it comes down to him or foster care why in the world would he let you stop him from getting his kids?? Would you want yours to go to foster care if you had a roof for them?
Sure, you'll have to make adjustments. You'll have to make room for them, it will be an inconvenience to what you're used to. But when you married him you knew that he had children and these things can happen. My fiance's daughter is having to come live with us...we have the room but it will be alot different. But she is his child...and I accept it and love her for that.
If the children have anger issues then he'll have to seek help for them. They need a stable loving home for a change. If you can't be a part of that then you need to move on. When you marry someone who has children it's a package deal...no matter what their ages are.

Answer 9

I see both sides. One, I think its right for what he's doing, stepping up to the plate to take care of his kids, to keep them out of foster care. Sounds like they've been thru enough already. I'm sure this is where all the anger comes from.

Secondly, I see your side. Its your house also. But, just let things ride. If he moves out to be with 4 kids, he'll be back soon. I don't mean that ugly. He's gonna need your help (or someone of the female gender in the kids family) to help out, esp if 3 of the kids are teenage girls.

Why don't you email me? We'll chat further.

Answer 10

First of all put yourself in his shoes. Yes you are very wrong for being upset. OMG! Seriously? You have a three bedroom house make it work. You need to show some compassion for what HIS children have been going through and where in the heck have the two of you been that these kids have had to live like this. If you can't help his kids out maybe it is best that he move out. You should accept them with open arms NO ONE should have to ask you.

Answer 11

Yes, you are wrong for being upset sweethart. Not going to call you names as previously done in other post. All I have to say is that you knew he had children before you married him and iwhen you marry someone with children, the thing to keep in mind is in the event that something was to happen to the other parent, responsibility would fall on your spouse.

Yes, he should have consulted you. No doubt about it. BUT, I'm sure he didn't expect you to feel as you do about now. (I know I wouldn't expect my spouse to be angry) He probrably was expecting you to UNDERSTAND the situation and make it work.

When you married him sweetie, you married his children. Put yourself in his shoes. If the situation happened to you, wouldn't you be mad and want to move out if he told you he really didn't want your children there? Don't you think he would understand and accept them with open arms providing you were in the situation?

You need to really sit back and observe how you're acting right now. I suggest you just make it work sweetheart.

My parents' did! We lived in an 3 bedroom home when my fathers' neices were going taken away from their parents. When my father learned of this...and learned that no other family members were going to take care of them...he QUICKLY reached out to Social Services to see what it would take to keep his neices in the family without consulting my mother or us. My mother accepted them with open arms. She did not ask no questions..she understood! We made it work! And so can you!

So shape up before your husband ships out!






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