Advise in my Marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. Our relationship has been very rocky, like a roller coaster. My husband has been physically, mentally and verbally abuse towards me. I have left him 2 for his abuse behavior, but have come back to him because I believed that he really wanted to change and he has changed over the past 2 years. He no longer physically or mentally abuses me. However, every now and then, he does verbally abuse me. He has had a very rough life which has led to him having a lot of traumatic issues. He has anger problems and a very short temper. Together we have overcome a lot of his issues. His jealousy, insecureness of himself and our relationship and his low self esteem, I could go on with the amount of mental issue’s he’s had.
Unfortunately, his anger is the one thing that has been the most difficult and the issue we are still struggling with. The last time he had an outburst was about 2 or 3 wks ago. Here’s the thing, I get up at 5am, everyday because we only have 1 vehicle at this time and I have to drive him to work and then drive myself to work every day. We end up getting home around 7pm ever night. I leave my house at 5am, work all day, after work I have to pick him up then drive home ( we live 30 minutes away from his work and 1hr away from mine, so I commute 1½ hrs to work and the same back home) Anyhow, I get home tired from working, driving and because of a shoulder injury I have which cause daily pain. I have a tear in my rotator cuff and any movement hurts my entire hand). That day we got home around 7pm, as soon as we got home, he asked me to make dinner. I told him I was tired to just give me some time to rest and I watched some tv in order to relax. I watched TV for 1hr, in which time he kept bugging me about cooking. After an hour and after my shoulder pain had diminished a little so I started cooking (8pm). What he wanted for dinner takes a couple of hours to cook so around 9:45pm or so, I checked the food and it needed about 10 minutes more to cook. At that time he made a comment that if I would have made the food when he asked it would have been ready by now. I replied to him, not with any type of aggravated tone or anything, that if he could please understand that I was tired. I worked all day and he doesn’t even let me be home for 5 minutes when he already wants me to start cooking and cleaning. Suddenly he got so angry and started yelling and saying that if I wanted I could throw away the food. I told him that the could do what ever he wanted. He walked outside yelling that he was going to throw the food away (outside because I was barbecuing) he came back with an empty pot of food. He had thrown the food away. He started screaming, insulting me, telling me I was worthless as a wife, that I was lazy, calling me names, making derogatory remarks about me, he threatened to beat me up with the pott he had in his hand, he threatened me with my parents and my 10 year old sister’s life. He just went crazy and I was shocked. I didn’t yell at him back or anything, I just ignored him. The next day, he apologized and cried and said he didn’t know what to do, he tries so hard to not get angry, to not disrespect me and insult me, but he doesn’t know why he’s like that. He accepted he is wrong, that he has problems (at least he’s always accepted this), he also said that if I wanted to leave him, he understands why. He knows he doesn’t deserve me, but he doesn’t know what to do. I think part of his problem is that he hates himself so much because of everything he’s done to me through out the years, which he knows I haven’t deserved it.
Like I said, he has changed, and a lot. But I just don’t know what to do. I can’t handle this anymore. This relationship has brought me so much suffering. My life before I met him was happy, full of life, family and friends. Now I don’t have any friends and I don’t talk to my family because they hate him. We moved states (from California to Arkansas) so that we could try by ourselves to solve our problems. I am just so agitated, depressed, confused, sad, and most of all lonely. My family was my entire life, and without them I feel lost. I feel so depressed because of all of the compromises and sacrifices I have made in order to make this relationship work. For everything I have tolerated and forgiven. I lost interest in having intimacy with him and I don’t know how to say this to him because it will hurt him tremendously and I know he’ll say its because I don’t love him anymore, which to be honest, I doubt my love for him every single day that goes by. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. I’m always thinking of everything he’s done to me. I miss my friends, my family, California. I am always asking myself if I should leave him for good, but I’m scared of throwing this marriage away. I don’t know if its worth it anymore. I miss having fun and enjoying life. I always think that instead of going through all of this crap I could be home in CA, going out, having fun with my friends and family, like I used. We are only 22 years old. We should be enjoying life. I don’t know why its so hard for me to walk away. I think that after everything I have endured with him, he killed my love for him. I still love him, but more of a friend love, not the way your suppose to love a husband. I have so much resentment, for what he’s done and on myself for being so forgiving and taking his abuse.

Answer 1

protect you self and your family, to make such a threat is enough on its own, let along the history
you already know what is right so do it!

Answer 2

whew! that's a lot. i know how you feel b/c i have been there and am still there to some extent. the point is , that you are wasting your time being with him, waiting for him to be "normal". have you ever even thought that if he were to change right now and act the way he's supposed to and everything was gravy, would it matter? do you feel like so much damage has been done that regardless of what he does now it will not change your feelings b/c of the anguish he has caused you? b/c if that is the case, what are you waiting for? i know it's hard to accept possibly never seeing him again , especially after you went with him and pretty much like chose him over your family. and that has to make you feel guilty. i've done the same thing. but your family wil love you regardless. maybe if you just take a trip out there for a weekend or a week or something just to get away for a little bit see how it is. do you guys have kids? b/c that makes it a lot harder. you need to step out of the situation to see if you can find happiness somewhere else. if he truly loves you and you are meant to be together you will be. i am a full believer in ultimatums when people screw up. life's too short to spend it miserable. so if you can never forgive him for what he has done then just leave him for a while, just to see how you feel w/o him. if anything you feel like you still want to be with him after a while he will now understand that you're dead serious about the situation and ifh e wants you back mkae him earn you back. if he doesn't then you have this new life to start on beginning with being with your family and friends and the place you call home.
i wish i could take my own advice, which i'm trying to but it is not easy by any means. good luck!

Answer 3

i think I wrote part of that. lol
HOwever, if you're looking 4 an answer, I think u answered your own question. This is my problem as well. U know whut's best 4 u, but it's so hard 2 do. U luv him, u made a commitment, U thought it was supposed 2 work & if not, then u should work 2 make it work. I think you've already done enough "work" on it & my man was doing the same thing "apologizing the next day" all cooing & luvable like he's so sorry he won't do it again....til next month....or next week. We've been 2gether 8 years...the physical abuse has slowed down a lot over time, but the emotional/mental abuse seems 2 get worse. I admit I do it all back & I shouldn't, but I have anger problems as well so things get out of hand quickly. We're not even married & I'm thinking of getting a divorce. lol

Answer 4

I'm so sorry about your situation. Listen girl, you are 22 years old and shouldn't be having to deal with this. I understand he's had a hard life but it's not your fault. Why are you cooking his meals? Why can't he cook himself. Relationships are a two way thing, you have a shoulder problem that causes you daily pain so he should be doing more to help YOU. It must be very hard to throw a marriage away but I don't think this is going to get better for you. He's come a long way by the sounds of things by your devotion to him. Personally I think you need a break from him. You need to get some fun back in your life. Can you go back to CA for a while? Don't worry about him, think of yourself now, you deserve happiness also and not to be abused. Take time out and find life again and I doubt you will go back. I wish you luck.x

Answer 5

I fill the same way about my husband. and the only reason i stay is because we have three kids together. i say don't stay run, run like hell make a plan and go. I would not tell him I was leaving he might try to stop you in ways you don't won't. I'm not saying that he will never change completely or that you will never fall in love with him again but right now I think the best thing you should do is leave and get your self back together. because at this point you can't do much good to anyone if you don't get help at this point. But good luck with you.

Answer 6

You are describing the classic abuse cycle. He is a master manipulator, which is why you go back to him. Even in your post you talk about how much he has changed. He has convinced you he's sorry yet repeats his behavior. Yes, he may have had a rough life, but that doesn't give him license to abuse you.

Go through and read your question again. You say you don't know if you love him, you're hurt by the way he's treated you, you miss your family, and he doesn't treat you well or respect you.

You need to have the self-respect to know that you don't need him or owe him anything. As far as keeping your marriage vows, he threw that right away when he abused you so badly. Go back to your family, have fun, and encourage your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband to get the help he needs.

Answer 7

First off... you can't fix him! the pattern of abuse that you are in is typical... abusers first separate you from your support system, IE: your family and friends... they always cry and apologies for their bad behavior... they always say they won't do it again, when in truth they will and may even kill you later on down the line when their anger overwhelms them and they lose control. You are putting yourself at risk by staying. Your question shows that you know you are dealing with a irrational, selfish, and immature person who wants to blame others for their shortcomings... when you leave a person more than once, you are stupid to go back for more of the same behavior repeatedly... He is not going to change towards you, because he knows he can get away with his behavior... leave him and go back home where you have your family and friends around you... start a new life, with someone who will respect you and Cherish you... and whatever you do... don't look back! STOP BEING A VICTIM, TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK!!!

Answer 8

Coming from a traumatic childhood does not give a person the right to be abusive to another in any form.
There are so many forms of help out there and many ways of obtaining it. To me, it sounds like you have already made up your mind and just need to make that first step out the door. However, if you DO want to make this marriage work, I strongly suggest individual counseling for your hubby to work through his childhood and to help him learn to deal with his anger in a more productive manner. I also suggest couples counseling for you both in order to understand what you are each seeking in this relationship and to learn whether it is worth saving. Hopefully there are no children involved in this situation. Your husband sounds like a time bomb waiting to happen and no matter how many times he apologizes and says he will never do it again .... until he admits he has a problem and seeks help, it WILL happen again and it will only get worse, not better!

Answer 9

First off let me tell you that I'm sorry for your situation and, I hope it gets better. I am a recently baptisted Christian but, will not throw a bible at you during this answer.

When people get married they take a vow for better or for worse, unfortunately, right now is the worse time. Although you seem like things have improved in recent years. So if at all possible you are through with the "worst" of times and, on the upswing to the better part of the marriage. ( I hope)

It's all to easy to throw in the towel when it gets tough. I DO NOT excuse the abuse but, people that are truly in love can change for the better. After all one of the reasons we are in commited relationships at all (friendships, marriages, family, engagements, etc.) is to help better ourselves and the people we "love". It is a consequence to spending a good amount of time with someone you care about. Even if there are mistakes and, indiscretions, you learn from them, hence bettering yourself for the next time around.

I really think you just need to sit down with him when he's not in a bad mood and, tell him that you do love him and, that you want to help him change, but, not at the expense of your own love of life, and see how he responds. You are right you are only 22 and, should be enjoying life right now. Both of you. For this relationship to work..he needs to change his behavior and, respect you as a wife and, as an individual. And you need to forgive him for what he's done in the past and, help him with his future. So that you can be really, truly happy in your marriage.

I believe people can change...Jesus has helped to change me from the person I was in my younger days into a loving Husband, father, and Brother. If you are not religious it's ok but, talk to someone face to face about it too. If you are Spiritual then pray about it. Accept Jesus and, he will help you with your problems as, he has mine.

I know I said I wasn't going to throw a Bible at you but, there are a few verses about Love and Marriage in the Bible you may want to look at.
1 Corinthians 7:27
1 Corinthians 13:1-8
Proverbs 2:17
Epesians 5: 28-31

Good Luck and God Bless!!

Answer 10

Good God. File for divorce and leave this idiot before he uses up all the good years of your life. When the minister said till death do you part, he didn't mean you dying, he meant the relationship. This one sounds pretty dead to me. You'll get past missing him. Young love is weird that way. He isn't happy with you, you are not happy with him. Why are you staying there and getting beat up every day one way or the other. This guy has some really serious issues to deal with. You didn't cause them and you shouldn't suffer for them. If he really cares about you, he will spend the near future getting some serious help for himself. If he doesn't care, then you can surly believe that the only reason he keeps you is to have a live-in punching bag that cooks and does his laundry.

Answer 11

okay dear, there is only so much that you can take until you can't handle it anymore. I had the same problem in my marriage but I was the messed up one. I was never abusive but I had a problem with communicating with my husband and getting angry all the time. I also was very lazy and complained alot of what I do when I really didn't do anything. your husband should've stopped all together with his issues and take them out on you. Yes id does take a while just to make the changes as a person, but like I said he has to competely make the effort to stop being so angry with you so easily. It took me almost three years to finally work out the kinks with my issues and yes past expieriences does affect the person and his or her behavior but he shouldn't take it out on you when it is never your fault for his mistakes. I would break it out to him and say that you can't put up with it any longer and he either needs to make that effort to change or you leave. When it comes to that point, he should know that it is time to make the difference to work it out and not just say he will try. In my book there is no such thing as trying, you either do it or don't. He needs to step up and be the man that he wants to be not only for your sake and your marriage but for his sake as well. He has alot of inner healing but he can't just do okay for awhile and then go back to the old ways is what I have notice in your story here. He needs to stick to it and I'm sure he will be just fine. Try it out, I'm sure he will make the sacrifice to change his ways. GOOD LUCK!