Burnt out and mad about too much work for 14 mo old toddler/baby. Advice?

Question

I have a 14 mo. son and a husband who leaves at 730 for work, arrives home at 530-6pm. Between that time, I take care of son 110%. Every second he needs something or is crying constantly and I am BURNT OUT. There's no guaranteed breaks and barely a minute in the bathroom. I am also trying to diet and every meal, he's crying! 100% rushed.

I feel like an absolute slave or single mom. My husband gets mad when I complain saying 'how can I help I'm at work?' and gets defensive. I am with him 24 HOURS/DAY whereas he goes to work with adults and no screaming baby.

He's drinking way too much whole milk for his age, 1/2 the finger foods go on the floor, he prefers milk (is this typical?). Barely uses sippy (sees as toy). Walking, and always hurting himself being curious. So sick of crying!

My mom lives far and is always busy, his family is busy/awaiting new baby. 1 day he naps 3 hrs, next 30 mins.

He bats at my book, always hurts me: hits, throws, pulls hair. When will this get better?

To Shamrock girl:
I don't appreciate your comments. Just b/c I'm burnt out, doesn't mean I don't care or enjoy him. That's mean. So I can never read a book again? If you haven't heard a happy mom makes for a happy baby. I'm trying to do that! It's illegal for me to read a book or spend a minute on myself? I read to my son ALL the time! You are not supposed to spend EVERY minute of the day with your baby!

You are rude and your answer was not helpful to me in this hard time.

Answer 1

Take a deep breath...count to 10.
I feel your pain, really I do. Being a mom is VERY hard work. The pay is crappy and it's a thankless job.
Things WILL get better. My daughter is 5 now and I remember vaccuming after every meal and getting my hair pulled out. It can become overwhelming!
Will your hubby help out after work? Surely he understands that you are working as hard as he is.
One thing I used to do to cope was to use a drop off day care occasionally. There is one in my town that is $6/hour but you can drop them off and pick them up at any time. They can stay for one hour or 5. It's more like a giant playroom than anything. I know it was a good place because I worked there a few days. (They would swap hours of work for hours of daycare). When I would drop her off I would go to the mall or the grocery store, or some other place where your kids can drive you nuts.
Things will get better, and they'll get better soon. Your baby will grow and change a little every day. Soon you'll notice that some of the annoying behavior is going away. Until then, try to relax a little. There's nothing wrong with putting him in a playpen or a safe playroom and having some alone time. Don't let people tell you that you're a bad mom for wanting a break!

Answer 2

Everything you describe is normal, including your own feelings of being burnt out. I bet that even when your husband is home, that you are the primary caregiver. You are a completely normal, loving mom, even if sometimes you want to pack your bags & leave.

My husband isn't chauvanistic at all, but even he had some stereotyped ideas of how our roles should be. When I was home with our son for 7 months, he expected that when he got home from work that he would enjoy some relaxation time while I prepared dinner and took charge of our son. You know the drill: he'll play with the baby, but YOU are mostly changing him, watching him, feeding him.

I went back to work when my son was 7 months old and my husband stayed home for the next 7 months. After about three days he called his mom weeping.

So, my three bits of advice are: Have a serious "come to Jesus" talk with your husband and explain that his job doesn't end at 6pm. Try leaving him home with the baby for a whole weekend and see if he doesn't understand better.

Second, find yourself some mom's groups and/or a support group. This social contact and support are your best shot at gaining perspective and feeling less isolated.

Lastly, if it is a financial possiblity, consider part-time day care for just a few hours a week (even 4 hours or something). You'll see a remarkable change in your son's social skills and independence and YOU can lie in bed or paint your toenails. Some cities have co-op daycare so the cost is little or nothing, but you take your turn as a caregiver.

Answer 3

I understand where you are coming from. My son is now 16 months old, and I'm a stay at home mom/finishing up my last 2 classes for grade school. My husband is the full time worker and is almost never around. I appreciate that he works and pays the bills, but yet sometimes I'd like to work so that I had a break. Anyways, I don't know how you are for money, or what not but have you thought about maybe getting what we call around here a "mothers helper" to come over. Basically (before I put my son in daycare) I found a local highschool student who was very good with kids and I would have her come over a couple afternoons (2 days a weeks) after school (like 2:30-5:30) to play with my son so I could have some alone time. She would take him for walks, or play with his toys, read to him, color with him, whatever and it made time available for me to relax and cook dinner, do laundry, clean up around the house, or just be lazy for a few hours. I obviously paid her, but it was well worth the $25 or so a week to get 5-6 hours where I could do thing w/o having to give him 100% of my attention.
Athough this recently changed as she went away for college this august and I now have my son enrolled in a day care, 2 days a week and he seems to be loving that. It good for his socializing skills. . . he has friends now that he enjoys playing with, and he's learning to share and play with other children, which he doesn't have to do at home because he is an only child. I know daycares can be expensive so it may/may not be an option for you. Some places even ofter a part time mornings, so its like 8-noon on tue/thurs, so its still 8 hours a week for yourself.
As far as your questions/comment on his eating and drinking my son goes through times like that as well where one day he eats very well, and the next the dog eats his entire meal. Will he drink diluted juice? bc i give that to my son, or if I am thinking he's had too much milk/juice in a day, i just give him water. And as for the hurting himself, my son could literally trip over a chalk line. He is constantly bruised all over his legs, he climbs everything, he falls and trips over anything, its like he has 2 left feet.
Anyways hang in there. I know exactely what your going through, bc my son is the same way, and at almost 17 months. . . it doesnt seem to be getting any better! Hopefully soon though. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 4

Being a mom is hard work. And it is work! Give up the idea that you are going to read a book or watch a television show or a movie or anything else while he is awake.

When he is awake that is the time for you to be together.. First you need a schedule for him. Time for breakfast, playtime, time to go to the park, time for snacks and lunches, bath time, bedtime, etc. This is the ONLY way you are going to have any sanity.

Go to the park or playgroups so you have a support group of friends and can have an adult conversation once in awhile.

Recognize that your husband is right.. he can't help when he is at work. However in the evening he can help by doing the entertaining why you make dinner or catch up the laundry or whatever you need to do. He can help by playing with the baby while you take a bubble bath (grab that book!). He can help with the bedtime routine.. bath, story, tucking in or what not.

Answer 5

I know how you feel. I eventually had to get help from the Community Mental Health office who contacted CPS. They've provided me with full-time daycare for 4 mos. Now I feel bad that I'm alone so much and under surveilance.

Hopefully, you can talk to your husband about daycare or paying for a babysitter for you. Tell him, that if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. It's so true because your children can feel your tension.

Don't beat yourself up for not being the mother you thought you would be. You've obviously tried to be brave and hold out under so much pressure. That screaming just shorts out your circuits so you can't think. You feel helpless without your husband. I know. My husband works the same schedule too and he started right after our baby was born! My husband felt so bad when he found out what I'd done because we were scared we'd lose our kids.

Tell your husband, it could come to that for you too without his help. Meanwhile, don't worry that you've failed to feed your son enough as long as he's a healthy weight. Remember that small tummy. My son likes the sippy cups with that rubber nipple. It feels like a bottle. Thank goodness for the times he naps three hours. Do you know about putting baby to sleep in a stroller or car or in a wagon that you pull behind a bicycle? Do you have a beach nearby?
Oh yeah, I just found out that our local gym has daycare for two hours with membership. Does he go to the playground or beach? That sounds like a very active baby that hates being cooped up.

Maybe you could switch some of his whole milk to soy or rice milk or skim if you're worried about his tummy. And for you Brewer's Yeast tablets and chamomille tea and soft music and clothes.

I've also heard that sometimes it matters how you respond to the babies cries when he tumbles. When you say,"oh you poor thing!"he might cry more than if you say,"let me kiss it. You're such a brave boy. All better." he might suprise you and just get back up again.

He probably enjoys other children. He's just got such strong feelings. Emotional guy. Sometimes, it's all how you look at things.

You need to put limits on him for hurting you. Sometimes, you might have to put him in a high chair or crib or playpen or something for a minute and keep putting him there whenever he hurts you. You're in charge. Not him.

There's probably a parent help line somewhere on this internet.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Sounds like your baby controls you not the other way around. First take the bottle and show him no more bottle [ throw it in the garbage, let him see what you have done]. Hand him the cup tell him this is it. If he throws a fit let him cry it won't hurt him. Turn radio up loud or TV he will shut up. I raised 4 and it worked for me..
Start him on table food he is old enough, take snacks away. No more [ he will start to get the message, it the food or go hungry] won't hurt him at all. Be grateful your husband is even around. Mine where 6, 4, 2, and 5 months when my husband died in a car crash. I had no one to cry and complain to. Thank God for his Social Security, if not that I would have been in the Welfare line for sure.
When feeding him sit him at table or in High Chair [ never on floor ] no toys or distractions.
While the little ones [except 6 yr] took their naps, I would relax with a cup of tea and read or watch my favorite shows.Mine usually slept for two hours. Sometimes even got house work caught up...Relax things do get better. Be thankful you only had one for now :)
If you wish more help email me...

Answer 7

I agree with Magy. It sounds like you need a break though. Try letting your husband take care of your son so you can go do something by yourself every so often. Even if you just take a short walk around the block or sit in the backyard. Anything just to get away for a little bit and let your mind clear and not have to worry about doing something. If you have some friends nearby (I know it's hard to keep up on friendships too) try having a girls night out sometime...it can really help. Hang in there...I know it will get better for you.

Answer 8

Whew - you are burned out. You need to take off and go relax for awhile when your husband gets home from work today! Just go!

For the food - give him the food first and then milk when he's done. That way he will eat the food and not fill up on milk. Although, I'd give him as much as he wants - he needs it for proper brain development.

I'm sorry to say - but I think you're overwhelmed because you don't have control of him (he hits, throws, pulls hair, etc.). All of that needs to be stopped now! He needs to learn that is unacceptable behavior. And cups and plates, etc are not toys and he needs to learn that too.

Can't help with the getting hurt and crying - that happens. He's a little young to teach him what to do instead of crying. But, just talk outloud and pretend you're him - what would you say instead of crying. Just talk it out and he will eventually get it when he gets older.

Good luck and get a break!!

Answer 9

Children of all ages, especially that young, react to our mood. How else can the wee ones survive without being totally tuned in to mood of caretakers????

You love your child. Remember that. A toddler can't survive without you - on some level they know this and experience fears even they don't know it as such.

He crys because he is trying to communicate HIS frustrations with the situation also. I believe on some level children know when a parent resents caring for them - crying and demanding attention is a way to hold back fears of abandonment or not being taken care of.

At the same time, you don't want to let your child develop a pattern that sees a fearful toddler becoming a 5 yr. old tyrant whose every demand must be met. "She will take care of me because I'm making her take care of me."

Establish a routine and schedule, and stick to it - make changes only to accomodate unexpected situations. Children are actually comforted by a routine and schedule that is kept.

Network and find another moms who might be interested in a time share kinda arrangement. Hang out as a group with your kids and take turns being the "daycare" for a couple hours just so each other can.........do whatever they want in that time period.

Think outside the box. Where are the other at home moms??U are not alone. U need other adults now and then, and your child needs the social skills of being around other kids, too.

Answer 10

Yes, it will get better, but it's hard to say when! Are there other Mom's in your area? Maybe you can do a trade off for babysitting for an hour here and there.It sounds like you are overwhelmed and could use some adult time, or time for yourself!Where I live, I take my neighbors child a couple of hours a week, and then she takes mine.We don't have to say what we are doing, just leave a cell phone number in case of an emergency.It's nice to just sit quietly for a couple hours and do nothing if you don't feel like it! Try to get involved with other adults, sometimes you just have to have an adult conversation, then you won't feel so isolated! Good luck, and try to enjoy this time with your son...h will grow up way faster than you think!