Should I break it off....?

Question

So, for those of you who don't know...
I have been dating a guy for 5 months who is a convicted felon. Everything leads back to a drug addiction which he has overcome. I love him but I don't see a future with him. This sounds so selfish but I feel like I deserve someone who will support me as much as I support them and with a felony on his record that doesn't seem possible. So, I've decided that I need to end it before things go any farther.
Once I set my mind on things like that I always like to get it over with so it doesn't eat me alive for days and days. I'm going over to his house tonight to have dinner and would really like to tell him. How do I wade into it though? I though about just telling him that we needed to have an honesty session and dive in then...? I love him and don't want to hurt him - this is the way it has to be though. I don't want to ruin our friendship although I think it can't be helped - I would like to stay on good terms with him though! Please help!

by question is more of how should I break up with him. I've decided that i'm def. going to now.. thanks for the answers so far!

Daniel: i have thought about that and hate it but am i supposed to be miserable because it might adversely affect him?
and that isn't the only reason - he has also started to be jerk to me and i don't do that....
Everyone else:
he can't support me emotionally or financially. I feel like i'm always giving him the encouragement he needs but get nothing back...

Answer 1

first of all, cancel dinner.. no intimate settings.. call him and tell him that you have to cancel said dinner date and will call him tomorrow..he will ask why. tell him that you are going thru a gut check and need some space..that will be the first step.. DO NOT SAY I LOVE YOU,, IF he does say thank you for your love..if he knows where you live, go visit someone for the night, sister mom or friend. no date..also if you know who his counselor/ mentor is, call them. tell them what you are doing. ask for advice. tomorrow, meet him at starbucks, with a letter with all the emotional stuff. but when you see him be straight faced, sad. tell him you have decided to make some major changes in your life.. tell him that you will not be dating for awhile.. you're focusing on the future at work and financially. you cannot go into a serious relationship for awhile. Tell him the best thing for you is to cease this relationship indefinitely. he will ask all kinds of ques, just tell him that you would rather keep it to yourself. tell him it is extremely hard to do this, but you have to for your future. tell him I have to stand up for myself and not depend on anyonelse. that is what you will need to do. and stick to your word..good luck.

Answer 2

When you say that you want someone to support you as much as you support them, do you mean financially. If so, that is pretty sad.

Two people supporting each other is part of what a relationship is all about. That support is emotional and physical. It is not just financial. Even the best provider can have a downturn. Would you dump him?

I think you really need to consider your priorities. It is not like you had no idea that the guy was a convicted felon. Just make sure that the lack of a future is because of reasons other than him not getting a good job.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 3

By "support" do you mean emotionally or financially?

If emotionally, what makes you think he cannot support you emotionally? If financial, what makes you think he cannot support you financially?

You say you care for him and love him, so I'm confused. If money is that big an issue for you drop the pretense of "love" and just be honest with yourself. Go find yourself a rich lover (I hear old men are best) and then you won't have to deal with such decisions.

Not trying to be mean or crude, just calling it like I see it.

Also, a convicted felon has a hard enough time with life. Have you considered how your leaving this guy because he's a convicted felon will affect him, this person you claim to love?

Answer 4

Honey, you don't want much do you.

OK. For what ever reason - and it really doesn't matter - you feel you don't have much of a future with this person. OK so break off with him.

But do it cleanly. that means, NO, you can't be friends. No. you can't continue to see him - for whatever purpose. NO. you can't go over to his house and do this in private.

Meet for coffee at a public place. That way neither of you will cause much of a scene.

Then tell him politely that you think highly of him - even love him - but that you really can't see a future with him - not just because of the felony - but because he's just not the man for you - and you're certainly not the woman for him. That's all the explanation needed. Don't go into the whole 'support me as much as i support him" speech.

Don't allow him to debate the issue. Get up. Pay for your coffee - pay for his too if you wish. But get up, put on your coat and gloves and leave. If he follows, tell him to stay where he is or he may find himself behind bars again.

Change your phone, email and other contact information. Change your locks too.

Have no contact with him - ever again - not even through friends.

Answer 5

Yes you should break it off if ur asking urself this. Do it cleanly and nicely and do it in public because if u do it privately theres always a chance he might hurt you in any way. You cant have your friendship with him no matter what. But if ur gonna do it cleanly dont mention anything u dont want to be with him because he is a felon or the fact he doesnt have a job because that sounds bitchy. Just say you dont see a future with him even though you love him. Good Luck.

Answer 6

I totally agree with you. You sound like a very wise person, and you have to do whats right for you first. If you care for him, please remember this is a very hard time for him as well. Getting off drugs takes everything you got. I would suggest you don't use that as a reason. It would put the focus back on drugs and be just what his psychie is looking for to get back on them. I think letting him know you will still be there for him as a dear friend is a wonderful idea, he needs all the love he can get during this time. Good Luck,

Answer 7

you seem like a smart woman, I'm sure you will handle it the right way.

I would like to comment on the situation however. We all make mistakes in our lives. There is nothing more destructive than falling into drug dependancy though. The likely outcome is inability to hold a good job, inability to say out of trouble and inability to develope a strong and healthy relationship with a partner. The sad situation that we just read about is just another example.

Good for you for standing up to for your own safety and well-being. Good luck.

To you ex, I would merely remind him that he dug his own hole. It will take great strength to climb out. His happiness will never be assured until he climbs fully out of that hole and lives a free life. Good luck.

Answer 8

Well, you have already ruined your friendship because even if you are broken up he will always want more because he will not want to take a step backward in your relationship. Tell him it is over (you can do that nicely) and make a clean break. There are millions of men out there, and there will be one for you. You are too young to be carrying around too much excess baggage!!!

Good luck

Answer 9

Don't avoid the inevitable. He is going to be hurt, and you are being selfish. It seems to be about what you want. If you truly loved him you would try and work it out. But if you feel you should not be in this relationship then it wasn't meant to be. So face it , he is going to be hurt and possibly angry. That's something you will have to deal with. Don't beat around the bush.

Answer 10

If you love your man, don't let him go. Chances are you will not find another with that type of love. Don't judge him for his past. Take it day by day. If he get's a job, great! If he shows no effort in working, then dump him because he is lazy. You are judging him for his past. You wouldn't like it if someone did that to you. Over 50% of our men are incarserated for one thing or another, and 35% of that 50 have changed lives when they end their prison term. They are good fathers, good grandfathers, and good citizens. Don't give up! Lift your man up and have his back, that is what he needs!