Ok so I have posted lost of questions about this guy and ya'll are pretty rough....most answers are "forget the loser piece of crap"and things like that. Here's the deal in a nutshell....he's my ex, I am recently remarried, my ex and I share a 16mo old boy and he is a severe alchoholic and pot smoker. He has done terrible things to me and hasn't really been a part of my son's life, but I still care about him and I want to help him. I am a Christian and I believe in forgiveness and helping others. He is still the bio father of my son. My new husband is wonderful and yes it is dangerous to allow this man to get too close to me, but he reaches out and he honestly has NOONE else who cares....most think of him the way you guys do and rightfully so, but doesn't everyone deserve a chance? Is there anything realistic I can do to help him. He is drinking 3 - 5 nites a week HARD and depressed deeply, he raises 3 of his 5 children but mine isn't one of them. Yes he is a mess, can I help?
2007-09-13 04:50:58 · 31 answers · asked by LilSunbeam 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He does admit to having a problem and has hit a few AA meetings.....and you bet he has limited time with our son...very limited! Thanks for all the advice you are all great!
2007-09-13 04:57:34 · update #1
No one can make him stop drinking but himself! That said, alcoholics are addicts AND addicts are very manipulative. Do not allow him to manipulate you in this way. He has HIMSELF! That is the only person he really needs to help him get sober. You have a new husband and a young baby that need all your positive energy and love, do not waste all that on your ex! I understand you're "need or want" to help him, due to your connection to him through your son and him being your baby's father (he deserves a healthy father). But you have to recognize that your ex will need to find his own way in life. You cannot guide him through the ups and downs of life forever... if it's not this it will be something else. Like his parent did at some point... you have to let go and let live. You are no longer with him, and he cannot expect you to "be there for him" anymore, and his manipulation to get you to "be there for him" will certainly negatively impact your new marriage - don't allow that to happen!
You will find that the less you focus on the negative and difficult in life, and the more you are grateful for the positive and focus on what you want out of life - things will shift and you will have much less negative to deal with. HE IS negative in every way, at least right now he is. Steer clear except when it is necessary to have contact with him. Focus on other things. You will soon see that he will certainly find other people to talk to... hopefully at AA or Rehab! I wish all of you the best!
2007-09-13 04:56:38 · answer #1 · answered by I, Sapient 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey there is nothing in the world you can do. It is up to him.
Their is and old saying you can lead a horse to water. But you can not make it drink.
I have tried with a few Friends to help them out but there is no way to do that. It is up to them and only them. If at all possible keep him away from your children. What kind of father prefers a bottle or a pot over his children. Two storys. I lived next to a drugy his son awas about five. They lost their home. I ask him if i could adop the child? He said no. What kind of father would not let his son go some pleace to give him everthign he needs to give him a good chance to a good life? I will never for get this night. I was in my Teens . I was coming home from out running the streets. The neighbor lady and her children where out side near the street. Ask them what they where doing out side, She told me that were watching for the the space capsule . It was not until later years that it came to me what really happen. they were weighting for some to come and pick them up. Husband came home drunk. They must have had a big fight and she and the kids were leaving to go some place. To this day when I think about this it hurts bad in side of me. What she and her children have gone thought there lifes. The only thing I can tell you is call child services and see if the children can be placed in a foster home. Ask him to send his children some place so they have a chance at a better life. Then walk away and never turne your head back. A though came to me if the childern are in there teenns they might be able to go to the courts and as to be remove from the home. This is all ican think of.do not fell sorry you have do the best you can. I know it hurts but that is life.
2007-09-13 05:35:49 · answer #2 · answered by tadm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't confuse subjecting yourself to the selfish behavior of an alcoholic with being a good christian. The more important question is why do you feel the need to waste your time and energy and possibly jeaporadize the stable relationship you have now by continually inserting yourself into this mans problems? You aren't doing your son any favors. Concentrate your attentions where they should be. Get some help for yourself to figure out why YOU have a problem letting go. Your ex will come to his place of understanding one way or the other. Let him know that you will pray for him, give him a list of phone #'s of places he can get help, and walk away. If you truly wish to help him that is the absolute best thing you can do. Get yourself help as soon as possible, see a counselor try al-anon or both.
2007-09-13 05:08:09 · answer #3 · answered by o 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you have got to come to a decision that you're no longer going to be an alcoholic anymore. Then, there are more than a few types of help that you'll get. Medications, hypnosis, counselling, help organizations, and extra. AA isn't the one resolution You will DEFINITELY want counselling to spot and difference the behavior of habits and idea that you just built as an alcoholic. Alcoholics proportion trends closer to making excuses, warding off accountability and blaming others for his or her movements and the penalties, making specific exceptions for themselves, and seeing best what they desire to look. You will want support to get beyond that, or it'll sabotage the whole thing that you just do, notably your healing. It will take time to rebuild the relationships which were broken, and a few could also be irreparable. There continues to be time, although, to construct new relationships. Added: Consider healing to be an funding on your long run that may pay you again as so much or greater than a university schooling, and be ready to make a big funding of time, cash and energy into your healing . Ask your self this. If the healthcare professional instructed you that you've got a disorder for you to motive gastointestinal harm, liver failure mind shrinkage, aberrant habits and untimely demise, and provided you a healing, could you're taking it? Recovery can avert profession missteps that would lose you a excellent deal of revenue over your lifetime. Recovery can broaden your happiness, when you consider that alcohol is a depressant. Recovery can support to avert harm on your relationships that could go away you very remoted, certain on your later years whilst you're so much susceptible. Recovery might require plenty of will vigour, time, attempt and cash, however it'll pay you again a hundredfold. I am definite you'll be successful, and despite the fact that you best controlled a transitority healing, it could nonetheless upgrade your well being and happiness for that interval of time, and provide you a way of achievement. So, you can not cross unsuitable. "One day at a time" is a well motto for healing, and even "one hour". Best of success.
2016-09-05 12:44:30 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, I know what it must feel like to be in your shoes.. You are just a nice person, who has a history and to be honest a future ( your son) with him. I wish I could tell you that yes you can help, but honestly the only person who could help him is him. He needs to take the first step. Have you spoken to him about the fact that you want him to pull his life back together? Maybe this would be a good idea. But honestly if once you confront him and try to help, there really isn't much more than that you can do. He is an adult and ultimately needs to make decisions for himself. I would just make him aware that you care and are here for him.
I do see a light at the end for him, as 3-5 nights a week isn't as bad as all day every day (like life interfering alcoholism) and smoking weed is stoppable too. My current fiance drank almost everyday for a while and smoked weed everyday for like 2 years... and now you would never know it.. once he changed his lifestyle he never went back. It's possible so keep up hope! But again, you can only be there for him as HE makes the steps.
light & love!
2007-09-13 04:58:07 · answer #5 · answered by Blond&Tall 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he really wants help then yes he can be helped. But to me a couple of aa meetings is not enough effort on his part. From the sound of things he doesn't really want help, he wants sympathy...I understand your need to help, but your involvment with him could and eventually will injure your relationship with your new hubby. Yes everyone deserves a chance, and being that he is your ex, he's obviouly had a chance with you and for you to help him. I'm sorry to say your more than likely not going to be the one to help him. He is going to have to help himself. Him reaching out to you sounds as if you are the only one who hasn't given up on him. I would have one last conversation with him about his drinking and drug abuse. You should tell him that you can no longer be his safety net. Which unknowingly, is exactly what you have been to him. You are the only thing that is keeping him from reaching rock bottom. More times than not it takes a person hitting rock bottom to realize they destroying their own lives. I would be more concerned for the children he has costody of then for him. He has the ability to control his surroundings and what he does to his life, those children do not yet have that luxury. I would tell him you are going to call child protective services. Maybe loosing you and your sympathy and having the risk of loosing his children will be a wake up call. Tell him he needs to set a better example for those kids and show some adult influence, instead of acting like a child himself. Another thing my bio father was an alcholic. My mother divorced him and I was raised by my step father. Sometimes loosing everything does not help, it didn't with my bio father, he died 8 or 9 yrs later of liver failure and lung cancer. If your husband is a good father to your child then great! Let me tell you it's not about who's genetics you have. I know from experience. My Daddy and I don't share the same blood but I have his values and his love and everything good that he is, is now a part of me. So, don't let your ex pull you , your marriage or your baby, down with him.
2007-09-13 05:23:21 · answer #6 · answered by h&t_oct282007 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The fact of the matter is that he probably doesnt want help, therefore, there is nothing you can do for him. I feel sorry for the kids in this situation. Isnt there someone better to raise them than this guy. Even neglect is abuse. I know, I adopted two kids from a home with severe alchohol and drug problems. They will probably always have some problems, but they didn't deserve what happened to them. (we got them at 4 and 5, and had to potty train, and teach them to speak.) If he wont get off the stuff, then you may want to protect the children.
2007-09-13 04:58:44 · answer #7 · answered by Qyllix 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What a ray of hope you are! Being a Christian is very challenging and seeking God's wisdom and guidance is the best you can do. Since you're married to another is he Christian also? Regardless of his state, the Holy Bible says we should as christian wives, submit to Gods word in all things and to our husbands first, and in so doing we shall be blessed. How does your new husband feel about your ties and friendship with x? Give your x completely to God in prayer. Tell him you will pray for him, but God is the only one who can deliver,heal, and set him free from this disease, not you! Show the fruits of kindness and understanding but first protect your heart, your son, your new spouse, from all bad affects of this disease. Letting go is so hard. Letting God is not so easy , yet is the safest protection for all. I was married once to an alcoholic and it took God and Al-Anon to help me realize, we are helpless, and how easy it is to become the enabler of someone we love or care about. I pray this helps in some small way. I'll be praying for him and you. I'm always here if you need another Christian woman to talk with. God bless you and lead and guide you.
A Friend in Christ-
Elaine
2007-09-13 05:52:35 · answer #8 · answered by farmingwithfred 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, everyone deserves a chance. But when someone has a substance abuse problem there truly is not a lot anyone can do. The reason is that the only person who can do anything is the person with the problem. They have to decide that they want the change and then they have to do it themselves.
All you can really do is to assure him that you care about him as a person and that you are there to support him when and if he decides to quit. The rest is up to him.
2007-09-13 05:23:09 · answer #9 · answered by Rebecca W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is an old muslim saying, "have trust in Allah but tie up your camel."
If he is serious about being a part of your son's life you need to get a court appointed supervised visitation schedule. Let him know that under no condition will he be alone with either of you due to his destructive behavior.
He is an alcoholic and will not stop. You can't make a pig sing. You will frustrate yourself and the pig.
2007-09-13 04:58:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋