ugly marriage situation. what to do?

Question

Been married almost 3 yrs, split up 2 mos ago. Wife left - sez its cause she couldn't stand me getting on her case about being irresponsible w/ our finances (creating unnecessary debt, hiding bills -- with no job), our family business (decided to drop out cuz I couldn't hold her hand thru every "issue") , and rearing her teen daughter.

Has since moved in with her dad, 90 miles away, and he literally helps her find ways to justify her crappy behavior. She makes agreements with me - mostly now over custody/visitation of our 2-yr old son - then finds excuses to break them if things are not working in her favor.

**we've spent 2 yrs already in family counseling, at my expense.**

i do love her but can't deal with the negligence. before she left i closed the joint accounts, but have been sending money for my son weekly. when we were together, she wouldn't really discuss issues, but now she is quite explosive about them (and 90 miles away -- coward!)

where to go with this?

I ain't perfect ... and have lost my cool over this stuff.. and don't like it.

My wife has apologized several times, but continues doing the same stuff. I think she's got ADHD.

she won't seek treatment.. says she's got other priorities.

Wow! So many responses already... guess i should add....

We made a custody agreement w/ a court mediator august 30 for rotating visitation, alternating a week at a time for both of us. That took work because she was bitching about having to pay for child care once she gets a job. She waited until the last day (9 days later) to fax the court with a dispute, thus cancelling its promotion to a court order. when i asked about why, now her argument became oh, i don't want my car to break down on the drive, and oh, it's not stable for our child. she also refused to discuss any alternative.

I filed for custody/visitation the next morning (asking basically for the same terms) but the hearing is like five weeks away. I am bugging out, really, cause i have been trying to complete my studies for the california first year law exam (next october 23) but all this other stuff is wrecking my concentration. i miss my son.

Answer 1

If all it took for a marriage to be successful was love, we'd certainly see less divorces in this world.

Unfortunately, you're caught up in a no win situation. Financial difficulties can be the most difficult to deal with in a relationship, and, I believe one of the leading causes of divorce.

If she isn't able to see what she's doing is wrong and harmful to the relationship, I'm afraid it won't change. I'm one who rarely if ever suggests divorce. I believe that if 2 people truly love each other, and can communicate openly, there isn't much that can't be solved. The hitch with this is it sounds like she sees nothing wrong with her actions. As such, it won't change until she realizes first hand that there's a problem with her actions and does something to change it.

Since you're already separated, having a heart to heart is probably out of the question. Counseling didn't work, and rarely does when you have one person who refuses to be willing to change.

My advice would be to protect yourself and son at all costs. Set the love aside and view this in an unemotional manner. Protect your finances, protect your credit, if you don't have a formal separation agreement, get one ASAP. Keep an eye on your credit reports as well, she very well might try or may have opened charge accounts in your name.

I'm sorry to say this most of all. I think you should divorce her and move on. It sounds like you've done your best, but, are fighting a losing battle.

Nothing to be ashamed of, you tied your best. It's not your fault she wouldn't cooperate. Take care of your son and ensure he is well provided for by agreeing to pay your share of child support, but you may need to do more by buying him what he needs when you visit. Sounds like she'll just blow the money you send her and you need to take care of your son even in that event.

Good luck to you, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Answer 2

Keep in contact for the sake on child, for sure. Unless she admits to all these problems and wants to change, nothing will happen. I would work on the counseling but I do not think I would pay the whole bill. He daddy obviously is not helping. Don't beat yourself up about this. Try to control your temper or urge for revenge and move on. Can you get a separation agreement from the court so you can enforce the visitation? Can you get custody of the child? He really does not need her as a role model.

Answer 3

Now that you and your wife are separated, the only thing you should be discussing is your child. You two need to try to get along at least for the sake of your son. Old issues you had between you should not matter at this point. If she is still having financial issues, it is not your concern as long as your son is taken care of. Limit your conversation with her and only talk to her when it is in reference to your child. When things start getting out of hand, you should end the conversation and pick back up at a later time. There is no need for the two of you to argue like children. Both of you are adults and one can not change the other. Isn't that why you got separated in the first place? Good Luck.

Answer 4

I don't think you love her - it's just the alternative scares you too much but you have to say the relationship is over and just move on. You do this, it is up to you to take control of the situation as it isn't going to get any better otherwise.

Get the divorced finalised asap, forget the counselling, and ensure you get sufficient visitation rights in the divorce case.

minimise the impact of all of this and it will all be sorted before your son is old enough to be upset by it all.

Good luck - you sound like a good, honest person who is only too aware of their own faults, and that modesty is a good quality.

Answer 5

First off, being ADHD or ADD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. But "creating un-necessary debt" and "hiding bills" may possibly be a symptom of OCD. You didn't say what type of debt, but could it perhaps be a shopping obsession? Perhaps she buys things to make her feel secure?

There's no excuse for keeping you from seeing your kids, though. However, poor planning is a sympton of ADD, but that's why ADD people need "to-do" LISTS.

If you're still in counseling, perhaps ask the therapist about getting to the root why the debt was created. It could be eye-opening. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

Sounds like your wife needs to grow up. It isn't your responsibility to help her become an adult, therefore maybe it is time to accept that it is time to part. Obviously, you will need to remain in contact with her for the sake of your son, but if things get too complicated (she won't keep visitation rights, etc) than get yourself a lawyer and go after full custody. A child needs some stability in their lives and pingponging back and forth would be tragic.

Answer 7

Do your best to have an amicable divorce. You obviously bent over backwards and really tried to make the marriage work. You spent two years trying- I think it’s time to say that it’s over. You deserve better. Walk away from it and get the needless stress out of your life. Hopefully there’s someone who can assist to make sure that the money you send for your son is actually being spent on your son. Hang in there.

Answer 8

well then you are better off. you should have a life enjoying your wife not one in misery where she acts very irresponsible. Tell her there will be no chance unless she seeks perfessional help becuase you cannot live that way anymore. It is very important to keep the money issue in order and done responsible. If it is not done that way things will fall and you do not need that stress. Good luck.

Answer 9

Sounds like it's over since she's not willing to try anymore. Go to court and get a visitation order so that you can see your child without her being in control of it. File for divorce and move on with your life.

Answer 10

Hey you can take a horse to the water, but you can't make the horse drink the water. I know you love her, but it time to cut her loose. She has her mind up on what is going to work for her. Stop wasting your time and money on the counselor. Move on with your life. For the sake of the kid stay in touch for that reason only. Do not get involve with her on a personal level.