Divorce just got a little more complicated...?

Question

Hubby and I have been married for 5 years, and had been friends for 5 prior to that. We began having problems, a lot of fighting, little progress. We even tried to go on a vacation to reconnect, but we just didn't work out. Despite the divorce and the problems, I will probably always love him, because he's a really decent person, always has been. We just had problems.

I'm moving out-of-state for a my job, and to de-stress. This whole thing had me sick, but I found out that it wasn't stress, and that I'd gotten pregnant on our vacation 3 months ago. My husband found out that I hadn't been feeling well (doesn't know about the baby) through a co-worker of mine and has been leaving me messages to that he's just checking on me and to feel better.

We're getting along better since we began proceedings, and I don't want to disrupt that. I don't know what or when to tell my husband about the baby, or if I even should at all. I don't want to complicate this already complicated situation.

I don't want to try to hold the marriage together for the sake of the baby. I know he'd be a great father; he loves kids and is everyone's favorite uncle. We tried for a year, starting after our 2 year anniversary and nothing happened. Until now.

I accepted the transfer long before I knew I was pregnant and I do have a career to think about, especially now with the baby. I don't want to jeopardize my job on top of everything else.

I don't want him to feel obligated to stay because of the baby. We both agreed to the divorce. Now, though, with him calling all the time, and being Mr. Wonderful again, and my hormones being a wreck, I don't trust myself to make the right decision here.

Answer 1

I can understand why you might feel wary of telling him now, but if you're planning on keeping the baby, and it sounds like you are (otherwise you wouldn't be calling it a "baby" yet ;-), you need to tell him. Don't trash me, because I don't think divorce is easy, but it seems like you're taking the "easy" way out. What I mean is, you obviously love this man, and it seems like he loves you. What is so horrible that you guys are ending the marriage? Was their adultery? Are there money problems?

I understand that you just found out about the pregnancy but you're already 3 months along. You can't hide that forever. I think you're betting on a bad reaction from him and he'll be just the opposite of that. Whether you split up or stay together, this is obviously weighing on your mind heavily and is causing undue stress on you and the fetus. That has to stop. Tell him. At the very least, you shouldn't have to shoulder this alone.

You're headed into your second trimester and you need to tell your boss(es) that you're pregnant and that would be a good time to talk about the position you've accepted. Maybe something can be worked out there. I don't think that you should go, at least not now. If your husband knows about the job and was okay with it, it's only because he didn't know that you were carrying his child. I'm sure he won't be okay with it once he finds that out.

Also, men who are in the process of divorcing don't take out time in their (seemingly busy) day just to make sure their soon-to-be-ex-wives are not ill. It doesn't sound like you really want to divorce him. This is his first child? Don't deprive him of something you both wanted for so long.

Congratulations, whatever happens. Remember, you do get a beautiful baby out of the deal, and that's worth all the drama in the world.

Answer 2

You need to tell him. Yes, it will make things a little more difficult but, he has a right to know. He will be more upset if he finds out long after. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? And also if you all are getting along better now then before maybe it will work out that you all will be good enough friends for the child's sake. If this is his first child let him be apart of it even though you all are not going to stay married. Let him know you are going through with your plans to move for your new job cause that will be what is best for you right now. But, let him be a part of the child's life from the get go.....good luck

Answer 3

You need to stop the out of state move. Your child deserves to have its father in its life, and being in another state will really mess that up.

Sit down with him and tell him you're pregnant. You could give the child up for adoption, but I wouldn't bet on him being willing to do that, if he's a decent guy. But if you're going to keep this child, then both of you are going to have to focus on the well-being of the child. Perhaps with something bigger than yourselves to work for, you can find a way to manage your problems. The best thing would be to get back together, and parent your child together, as a family.

It doesn't sound like there was a major issue (abuse, addiction, infidelity) that messed up your marriage. Anything else can be fixed, if you're both willing to let go of your hurt feelings and throw yourselves into it fully, no holding back.

Pick up a copy of two books...Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. What you stand to lose if you don't fix this is huge...and your child will suffer the most.

Answer 4

Wow, nothing like adding the stress on.
You have to tell him. One, he is still your husban, and two, and probably more important, he is the father and has a right to know.
Whether or not you two can work things out or you go ahead go through with the divorce, do what is right for the two of you and don't use the baby as a way to "hold your marriage together" not fair to the baby or either of you.
Did you two ever try marriage counseling or anything with a litlle outside help before you started divorce procedings?
Good luck to you and to your new little family. I hope everything works out the way it's supposed to.

Answer 5

You have to tell him. I am no lawyer or judge but I heard once that a judge won't grant a divorce if the woman is pregnant. You might want to look into that unless you think the proceedings will drag out long enough that you'll give birth before the divorce is final.
Also, you don't want to spring child support on him without telling him of the baby first.

Answer 6

I think you need to tell him and have a heart to heart talk about what your possible solutions could be. If you are better terms, you could consider reconciliation, or at least maintaining a friendship for the sake of the child. Much better for a child to have two loving parents who get along and are civil to each other. If that is the case, don't move away, stay close...your child will need a mommy and a daddy.

Answer 7

Regardless of whether you and him stay together....he deserves to know. Its his right as a father.
Don't have any expectation of what should or shouldn't be and just tell him. And see what he says and go from there.
The two of you can raise a child as single parents, many people do. Its the one thing me and my guy have made a pact about....never ever use our child against each other. We've chosen to stay occasion lovers and raise our daughter. Well more like I raise our daughter and he visits. But none the less we do what we need to do to ensure that our child is happy and healthy, which is the only thing that matters anyway.

Answer 8

Wow, you describe that as a “little” more complicated? I feel for you. It’s a hard situation. I really think you need to tell your husband. He has a right to know as he’s the father. Talk to him. Maybe this will be the right push for you guys to work it out. You say you love him- certainly he loves you as well- that comes clearly across since he’s checking on you out of concern and wants you to feel better. So, is this your first child, pregnancy? First with him? Talk to him as soon as you can. Good luck.

Answer 9

TELL HIM!! He has the right to know that he is expecting a child. Tell him you want to go out to dinner or something to talk, and tell him whats going on. You never know, things are going better and maybe you guys could get back together and work things out. If not, he still has the right to know that he is going to be a Dad, regardless of if he is the husband or not when this baby comes.... AND CONGRATS!!!

Answer 10

He has a right to know about his impending fatherhood. What you are doing is selfish on your part. I hear a lot of "I want, I don't want" in your question. It's not about just you anymore. Like it or not this changes things. Maybe for the better maybe not, but he deserves to be 100% a part of the decision making process.