My husband is a great father and helps me a lot with our son (who is critically ill and on a transplant list) but he has a problem w/porn. He has been lying to me and looking at it (on the cell phone, on the computer, EVERYWHERE) the whole 2 years we have been married. And he gets angry when I accuse him b/c he's "not doing anything". I found out last night that he has a webcam viewing account on some nasty *** website and I finally got enraged enough to leave. The problem is I love my little boy and we are both military so I will eventually be stationed away from him. I guess my question is...would you leave?
2007-09-12 23:32:19 · 22 answers · asked by ashley b 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He is very clear on how I feel about it...this has been going on for 2 years. I have given him about 10 chances now to stop.
2007-09-12 23:40:33 · update #1
If you have approached this subject with him and let him know that it upsets you, and he continues to do so, that shows lack of respect to you, so if you find that this is going to continue and it is going to keep upsetting you, then yes definately leave, your son can stil have contact, there is no need to stop that relationship between them, but ppl who say you should stay just for a child, are wrong, no child is happy if their parents are unhappy.
2007-09-12 23:40:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
It does seem like a lot to deal with... could it be that porn is his outlet? I think men, especially, need some kind of outlet when they have so much stress. Having a critically ill child is certainly stressful, and men handle things in different ways, especially when you are devoting all your energies to your sick child... he may just need time with you.... perhaps you can talk to him and tell him you know he needs a creative outlet, but maybe he could find something else to do with his time...It may help for you two to re-connect on a more intimate level,,, spend more time just the two of you... MAKE time for it, even a few minutes a day.... because very often parents of very ill children do get stressed out to the point of divorce... Use the time to grow closer.... it will be very challenging, but also very rewarding. About leaving him? With a child so sick, it is hard to handle by yourself..... and you said he is a good dad and helps you out a lot... not too many women say that about their husbands... . who else is going to take over that role?... I guess weigh all the options you have .. only you can decide if you want to stay or not. If he is cheating, then it is a different story..., but from what you write, it sounds like you found a good one.... worth the effort.
2007-09-13 06:50:08 · answer #2 · answered by suisse shoggi 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You already explained him about how you felt and he continues to do it. Everyone find the bans, limitations, "don't do"s attractive. An inner voice tell us continuously to do the things that we are told not to do. So it is natural. Perhaps you should be a little more relaxed and flexible about the situation if he feels that you do not make it a problem then it will not seem such fun to him anymore. Tell him that he is free to look at porn and try to ignore it for a while and see what happens.
I think you should try because you wrote that he is a responsible father and support you very well about your child. And it appears that he has no relationship with anyone else but you. So give it a try. And try to think if it is worth to end your marriage for a reason like that.
Good luck
2007-09-13 07:07:07 · answer #3 · answered by Ardelia 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't get it, because you say your husband has a problem with porn. However, it sounds as though it is YOU who has the problem with porn. You have a problem with exaggerating its importance so tremendously that it's even more huge in your mind than insuring your poor son keeps his "great" father. As long as you continue to insist that it is your husband who has a problem, you are going to continue to ruin your lives. When you accept that it is you who has the problem, things can begin to improve. Destroying a family over such a trivial thing is like saying, "If you were married with a baby, would you leave if your husband kept putting on his left shoe before putting on his right shoe even though you have told him for the last two years to quit doing it?" The answer, of course, is that you don't break up a marriage over a triviality.
2007-09-13 08:23:46 · answer #4 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to decide what is best for you. Spending your time worrying about what he is doing is not beneficial to your son.
If he is that good of a father, he will be there for his son whether you are married or not. There are a million former couples who are in similar situations. If your better judgment tells you to leave him, there are plenty of support networks and programs to help you with your son.
The arguing is not good for your son. As much as you think he doesn't know, he does. Kids always know, no matter how well you think you hide it.
Just know that you are strong enough to deal with the decision you make.
As far as what has brought you to this point, porn is one thing, but when the web-cam comes into it, that is not fair to you or your son. He obviously doesn't care how you feel if this has gone on for two years.
2007-09-13 07:50:38 · answer #5 · answered by Carrie 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is a great father, supportive, helps with your critically ill son and you want to leave because he likes the visual stimulation he gets from porn?
I am missing something here. Since when was it up to the spouse to decide what the other is allowed to look at?
Has it occured to you that this is one way that he can escape reality and relax so that he can keep being a great father?
Why are you so threatened by this, it really has nothing to do with you personally. Men are simply prone to visual things.
Let it go and appreciate him for the good man that he is. Believe me there aren't that many out there who could deal with a harping wife and an ill child. Make amends, find a compromise and realize that marriage is what you make of it.
2007-09-13 07:14:13 · answer #6 · answered by Rebecca W 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I personally dont understand why some woman get so upset about their husbands looking at porn. He's not cheating is he? Some people are just freaks and get off looking at that stuff. He is probably ashamed about it, but with a ill son, he probably is stressed and this is his outlet. Does it affect the way he treats you? You say he is a good father, I would only be upset if he neglected me and my son and spent lots of money on the porn. Things could be alot worse, he could be satisfying his porn addiction by having affair. No I wouldnt leave, I would just ask him to do it less often and not spend any money and try to help him find something else better to do, a better outlet, maybe you can be his porn star. good luck
2007-09-13 06:53:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
Hon if your baby is sick, I would advice for you to stay around for a while until he gets better, this type of changes could affect the child even if he is a baby, they know sweety and we don't want to upset him when he is so critical.. You have to do what is best for the child, unless is a lots of fighting and arguing and if the both of you are constantly arguing then I would think leaving is the best, but do it so carefully that the child won't hardly notice is because of a dispute..This child needs a peaceful home setting and he needs the both of you to try your best not to argue around each other bottom line your his mother and you have to do what is best for him. I understand that your really bother about this habit of your hubby, have you suggest counseling? maybe you guys should try it, maybe he is doing this to take his mind off what is happening to his son.. with men you never know ... Do the best what your hearts tells you is my advice.. good luck, and I will be praying for your little angel..
2007-09-13 08:03:27 · answer #8 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ashley Dear,
Men look at porn. So if you have any design on leaving and finding a guy who does not look at porn ( especially around the military ) think again. You might try checking to see if any monks want to hook up, but then I think there is some porn to be found in the monestaries as well.
I'm thinking that with all the stress your lives right now you have not been as sexual as you might have been. Why is it such a problem for him to find some release.
Its not really cheating unless he is sharing a warm body.
You have set up an unattainable goal. Because you do not like it or feel slighted somehow is not a good enough reason to expect him to never look at it. On top of that you have made it into a trust and honesty issue and he has stepped over that edge. Why would he be compelled to stop at this point since you've already made him into some sort of cheat.
Men use porn for a stimulation to release, it quickens the job.
They do this without getting involved with another warm body. Get it straight that porn is IN LIEU OF INFIDELITY not infidelity itself.Whether we want to admit it or nor not porn and masturbation are a decent method of stress relief. There's no stress going on in your life right now either.
That you would consider leaving him over this is frankly shallow, unrealistic and demonstrates the lack of commitment that you think he has. Unless this is affecting the way he is servicing you where is the problem?
Perhaps you should back off on this subject and reduce your anger on this issue because most of us men think it is misplaced. You have enough other problems going on right now that you do not need to create any more.
If you believe that you can move on from this marriage and find that man who does not do porn you are mistaken. It is my experience that guys who do not look at porn are not interested in any sexuality and that would include you.
You need to grow up a little and do it quickly. Learn to pick your battles . Hes not going to stop and neither is any other guy with a normal libido.
Concentrate on you child. There is a lot of love required for that and you seem to be finding reasons for less of it not more.
If this response sounds a bit harsh it is intended to be.
Wake up and examine why this is such a big issue for you that you would break up your marriage over it.
Get some counseling first before you proceed. I think they will find some mispalced anger being directed toward this issue.
2007-09-13 06:55:48 · answer #9 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 4⤋
Yep, I would leave. Webcam account? so, he watches real, live, women? or does he show himself naked on there too? hmmm... him being a good father is not making up for what he does to you, he may think that makes up for it, but, you can't make up for what you do wrong... that does not make it ok for him to keep viewing this crap... not only is your son sick, so is your husband. He needs to be connecting to you, not playing w/ himself to relieve "stress" or himself. what about your stress??? =(... an outlet? nope, this is not a healthy outlet, he needs a better hobby...argh! Forsaking all others was the vow, this includes looking at naked women to "relieve yourself" =(... on the cell phone? and he still does it after you told him how you feel about it... he does not care about your feelings, he only cares about his hard one... this is no example for your son... he can be there for the son even if you separate... just supervised... you don't want your son picking up this horrible habit... kids are not dumb... my brother did this crap in front of his 3 year old daughter! He's there for your ill son, but, what about being there for you? People don't see how porn is destroying families... =(... and the only way to make him see it is to leave him. good luck! don't listen to everyone else... there are many men who don't look at porn... so, your man can either change, and stop, or tell him you will find a man who knows how to treat a lady! =)
2007-09-13 07:00:37 · answer #10 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is very natural for men to look at porn. I would talk it over with your hubby and explain to him that it is you or the porn. However in a mans eye what he is doing is no big deal. I would try to work things out with your hubby for your sons sake. It would be a different case if you would of said that he does not help you with your son but he is trying to be active in his life. Since you both are in service yes one of you will be relocatd and will make it hard on all 3 of you.
2007-09-13 06:48:57 · answer #11 · answered by tweety_angel23 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋