What do you do if your husband does or says something that hurts your feelings and doesn't apologize?

Question

My husband said and did something that hurt my feelings tremendously! I told him that I was very hurt by his response and what he did. He hasn't apologized and all he could do at the time was tell me that I am taking it all personally and to basically get over it. All that did was add more fuel to the fire so to speak. I am still hurting and he is acting as if nothing has happened. What have you done? Any suggestions?

Answer 1

If I said somthing that was really how i felt and it hurt sombody i would apologize for hurting them, but i wouldnt apologize for saying what was on my mind. I feel that you should always be clear and honest. Even if it may not be what they want to hear

Answer 2

Go on a trip where u KNOW u'll be supported emotionally, like a friends house for a couple of nights
OR
To a nice day spa for a few nights. Get massages, a spiritual reading, facial, do yoga
OR
go on a spiritual retreat, whether it be Zen, Christian, buddhist,ect [for atleast a weekend]
Turn off your cell phone while ur away too
And leave behind a letter, an ASSERTIVE letter expressing your feelings[non-agressive fashion]
and with your lipstick tube, draw a big frowny-face on his car windshield right before you get in ur car a split for a few days

Answer 3

The silent treatment works for me. Hubby says it doesn't bother him but I know for a fact it drives him barmy. This includes ignoring text messages and phone calls. I usually get an apology after a few hours, because he knows I'll carry on for days otherwise. The first time I did it I didn't speak to him for days. (I think of that period as his conditioning)

Sometimes you have to give in with a row and just accept you're wrong but only to make him feel like he's won once in a while.

Remember, he may be allowed to win a battle here and there but make sure you win the war.

Answer 4

He is a jerk to say the least. He showed he doesn't care that he hurt your feelings. I would tell him again how deeply hurt you are and if he still refuses to listen maybe you need to consider leaving for a couple of days to show him how serious you are. Tell him by not showing any care for your feelings in this it has damamged your relationship with him in a major way. Which it has. My husband does the same thing from time to time-I end up in another room of the house away from him til he finally realizes what he did. Trust me-take his sex away and it won't be long til he is kissing your feet. I also suggest take care of this now before he decides he got away with it and it becomes normal for him to treat you that way.

Answer 5

Been their done that.

End result he said he was sorry.

I said something everyday 2-3 times a day and no sex, no kisses, no touching me. Granted he only held out 1 full day but he still said he was sorry. It never happened again yet.

Every time he came close to me like he wanted a kiss or something I would put my hand up and say NO you still have not said you was sorry.

Answer 6

when someone we love hurts us it is important that they apologize if they don't theres no way to get over the hurt. some people never apologize because if they did that they would have to acknowledge that they hurt u and they would have to put effort into restoring what they hurt. my ex use to hurt me emotionally all of the time and he never once apologized and as the years went by the hurt never left, and finally he betrayed me and the marriage was destroyed. alot of harm can be done with the tongue, and unless he communicates that he knows what he did hurt u and he was wrong theres is no way the marriage is going to be a happy one.

Answer 7

You'll probably find that you have unwittingly done the same to him, at some stage. You are completely unaware of it because he just got over it. He probably can't understand why you can't do the same.
What you have is a difference of opinion. You think it's a big deal and he doesn't. Find a compromise.

Answer 8

man are different then women, I would of gone quiet after that and distance myself until I get excuse! But man sometimes do not mean to be hurtful, as they tend not to analyze that much! So depending on how serious is what he said you could just try to ignore it!

Answer 9

From my own experience of 28 years of living with a man like that, I don't honestly think there's anything you can do...sorry to be unhelpful!

Men are often incapable of seeing in the nuances and inflexions of words and voice the tactlessness of many of their remarks. That's something most women would see immediately, but men aren't like that. From their point of view, if they didn't intend any insult, hurt or criticism, then they didn't make any, and if you think they did, then it's your problem, not theirs.

My husband was SO unaware of the implications of many of his remarks that there was no way he could ever see that any of them could be interpreted as offensive. He was a good man in many important ways, but he had the unfortunate
tendency to remind the family of this at regular intervals. Nothing hinders genuine appreciation like having it continually pointed out how much someone has done for you!

He continually hurt me with clumsy and critical comments - and I stopped challenging him because he had no understanding of the possibility that these comments could be hurtful. That's not what he meant, so (like your husband) I should "get over it". Also, like your husband, he acted as if nothing had happened, even though it was perfectly obvious that I was angry, hurt, upset. He was usually completely detached about it - and had no capacity whatsoever to "put himself in someone else's shoes".

Our three children suffered from his tactlessness themselves, and after 28 years of it, my emotional reserves were zero...well, almost. I did manage eventually to confront him with the fact that I just couldn't face any more years of this lack of emotional empathy and understanding, and we separated. After that, we remained on good terms - for me it was a casual, occasional relationship with someone I'd know for years and the father of my children. For him it was a "good friendship".

He never understood why I wanted the separation, despite having it explained to him many times in terms most teenagers would understand well. But he did make the separation very easy for me in material terms, and for that I am very grateful. Our children (all by then in their 20s, through university and in full-time employment, independent and living away from home) certainly did, while like me, recognising all their father's good qualities. They didn't take sides, and we didn't want them to.

I think the thing that frustrated and angered me most was his inability to understand another person's feelings. But his emotional detachment was in reality what ended our marriage. I simply could't have survived any longer without some kind of emotional input from him. Eventually, I ditched the anger and just felt sad for him, because essentially, although he had lots of contacts, colleagues and acquaintances and many interests, he never had any close friends, and was fated to remain a very lonely person.

I do hope that you and your husband can work through this together, and I didn't tell you my story to make you feel bad, just to show you that I understand very well how frustrated you must feel just now. But I do think that men are often incapable of "seeing the other person's point of view", particularly when it comes to feelings.

Has your husband always been like this, or is it fairly recently you've found him doing and saying hurtful things? If he's previously been understanding and concerned about your feelings, perhaps something is troubling him that is so occupying his capacity to empathise with you?

I'd say talk to him, but you've tried that and it seems to have resulted in your feeling even worse - given his unsympathetic response, I'm not surprised. If he's always been like this, then he sounds exactly like my husband. It just took me 28 years to realise that it wasn't me, imagining things and being hurt for no good reason - it was him!

Sorry not to have been more helpful, and I hope it will work out for you one way or another.

wimsey

Answer 10

my husband sometimes do this to me to the extent that i almost took my life the first time i experienced it. Well it's because i realized that maybe it's me... i thought maybe i was just being sensitive or maybe it's only his personality to be indifferent sometimes. After almost 7 years of marriage i struggled a lot to understand his attitude towards me but because i love him so much i learned to accept his ways as part of his whole personality. My only concern is as long as he doesnt hit me or abuse me and still provides me and my family our needs and sometimes expresses his love towards me in different ways to compensate his weaknesses, that's enough for me.