My 14 year old son came in the other night dressed as a female with make-up, a wig, a mini-skirt, in full womens dress. I am a very old fashioned, traditional person. I dont like girly boys or crossdressers. I want my son to be a masculine man. When he came in I shouted "what the hell do you think you are doing?" and he said it was girls night out at the club. I threatened to ground him for a year and he called me a close-minded redneck piece of sh*t that will never be worth anything. I gave him an old fashioned beating with my belt and it left a small mark on him. He called the police, and I was arrested that night, and my son said things like "stupid dumba$$ redneck is going to the cage with the other animals" all the way out the door. the police did nothing in response to my sons behavior. I am out of jail now, and there is no restraining order to my knowledge. what should I do? My son told me I will never change him. My wife(who I love dearly) and him currently live alone
2007-09-12 18:16:33 · 21 answers · asked by sam g 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
If you're serious...then you need to leave your son alone.
Its his life, his body and you gave it to him.
Just let him be what he wants.
2007-09-12 18:20:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 8⤊ 2⤋
Upon reading this a little closer, it's obvious that this is NOT the first time you and your son have had this type encounter. Perhaps not the clothes, but the underlying issue of traditional values. The clothes appear to be more of a rebellion than a statement. He probably KNEW how you would react and dressed that way to spite it.
Repairing the relationship with your son is actually what HE wants or he would not have tried to get your attention that way. Twisted as it may sound, he wants to be heard and nobody is listening. Counseling has been mentioned several times in the answers here and that would be a great first step. However, perhaps YOU would benefit more at this stage from individual counseling to deal with your anger and self-control issues. After all, you ARE the parent.
Please, take it from a child abuse survivor... Your son will be who and what he wants no matter WHAT you say or do. However, opening an actual dialog with him would be the first step to understanding who he is and will become. Take an actual interest in him as a person and not as a child to be conquered or beaten into submission. Children can be very forgiving and understanding if we but listen without judgement.
Good Luck!
2007-09-12 18:41:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Oh my goodness. It would be heartbreaking to have my child turn out a completely different way than I would have hoped. It would also be heartbreaking if my parent, the one who's supposed to love and guide me; was against my very essence. Let's assume that this isn't a phase or rebellion. With this assumption, you must know that you absolutely cannot change your son. No amount of lecturing, therapy, beatings, cold shouldering will change him. Do you believe someone could change you into a cross dresser, complete with wig, makeup and a miniskirt? Do you believe someone could beat you to become that way? You cannot beat him to become the way you want, either. I'm sorry to say that if you displayed a strong prejudice, you may have been setting yourself up for a challenge like this. It is the way of the Universe. What you despise can manifest itself right before your eyes. You can absolutely overcome this challenge. You will be stronger in the end for it. Cut through all the layers of who you believe you are or are supposed to be. How do you feel about your son? How did you feel when he was born? If he were to pass away today and you had one thing you could say to him, I bet it would be "I love you." You take that and build upon it as you accept this challenge. You are the adult, the father. It's your job to protect, love and guide your son no matter what. You're the one who has to overcome this shock, disappointment and anger to do your duty to the best of your ability- for him. Refuse to give him the kind of father who wouldn't accept him. Refuse to give him a violent father. Refuse to be a problem in his life. He'll have enough problems. You need to be a stronger man who will bear the weight for him when he cannot bear it alone. You need to be stronger than any prejudice he will endure. The test of a man isn't how masculine he can posture himself; it's rising to an occasion such as this one. God speed.
2007-09-12 18:45:56 · answer #3 · answered by Lovey 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Let's leave your bigoted mindset to the side for a moment. You can't beat your kids anymore. It's not acceptable or allowed in today's society. I know your parents probably beat the snot out of you when you were a kid and you turned out just fine...yadda yadda...but that's not the way things work anymore. Now, if your child is gay or trans or whatever...you can't change it. Screaming at him and belittling him is only going to drive him away. Of course, your son shouldn't be speaking to you the way that he did...but he most likely learned this from you in the first place. If you are sincere in having a real relationship with your son, I suggest that you look into the group PFLAG (parents, friends, and family of lesbians and gays). They can give you the support and information that you so desperately need.
2007-09-12 18:36:58 · answer #4 · answered by Zaggy 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
wow I wish American society was more accepting of this like in Japan they think visual kei is pretty awesome and I have to admit now that I know about it I find it all pretty fun and amusing where as before I thought it was just weird. Maybe your son should move to Japan the girls really don't seem to mind that kinda thing some of the prettiest guys all dressed up I've ever seen were from malice mizer and dir en gray
If having a relationship with your son is important to you than I think this is one argument you might want to cave in on after all he could be doing a lot worse things like drugs, violence etc I'm sure he could really use your support
2007-09-12 18:28:41 · answer #5 · answered by Lenas77 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Beating a kid never teaches them a thing.
He may be out of control in his behavior, but you responded in a way that may shut the door on your future relationship. I suggest rebuilding contact with him, slowly. Do not try to seem overly controlling, as he will probably turn on you. Admit that you were both out of control and that you're sorry for any pain you caused him. Hopefully he will reciprocate.
I think you can be a responsible parent without having to hit a kid. That screws them up for life, and I should know.
P.S. I see the thumbs down. Is that you? I can promise, if you only listen to one side of this and you act too controlling (I don't mean reasonable parenting, I mean hitting a teen, even if he acts completely irresponsibly), your son will probably not take up contact with you again. Is this what you want?
Seriously, I feel for you. He was behaving completely irresponsibly. He was partying like a wild kid and a little too over the top in the clothing, though you have no right to force him to be either a feminine or masculine male, as these are elements of who he is. Take it from a woman and former teen rebel: By reacting with a belt and not looking at his side of things, you're pushing him away at a delicate time in his life, and it's probably going to make his behavior worse. I suggest joint counseling for the two of you.
2007-09-12 18:21:18 · answer #6 · answered by Dalarus 7 · 7⤊ 1⤋
alright. it's not easy when molds are broken like this, especially gender roles and norms. but the only thing you can do is at least try to have a conversation, reach an agreement, talk. Beating won't work and honestly, you can't change who you are. being transgender is a real thing. As a father to your child try not to do the things that the community at large will unfortunately want to/try to do to your child.
you may not understand now or ever, but you cannot change it, you can only be a father. protect, help, nourish. please don't beat, ridicule, hurt or impose.
not to get all psychologist cause I'm not one, but if your child is talking to you that way there seems to be communication issues already in the family.
peace.
2007-09-12 19:20:29 · answer #7 · answered by jimmy's guitar 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your son is 14. He may change. If he does not, then learn to accept him. You were not arrested for trying to change him. You were arrested for child abuse. You may be traditional, and I doubt you hurt much more than his pride, but you cannot take a belt to a child under today's laws. Counseling might help resolve the real issue- he should not talk to you that way, and you should accept your child as he was born. I wish you both peace, growth and love.
2007-09-12 18:22:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
ok u cant hit someone because of their sexual oriention that's just wrong. that's like a gay father beating his son because he's str8. U can't choose who your sons or dauthers want to be, so.......be a smart parent and think abt your son's feelings or something i mean he's not a robot. he has his rights for freedom. Just keep this in mind, u will never survive in life if u dont forgive and forget. There r things that can't ever be changed....u have to accept that.
2007-09-13 12:36:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your son isn't hurting anyone with his behavior--it's not like theft or murder or anything. You may not like girly boys, but if you truly love your son, you have to accept this about him. If you didn't like Germans, would you beat your son up for taking a German class at school? I think he was entirely justified in his actions. If you decide to see him, I can't imagine he'll be very happy to see you.
2007-09-13 10:40:37 · answer #10 · answered by GirlInside 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you can't beat him into changing, that's for sure. Let him be and focus on your wife. Try to either live with both of them in as much harmony as it is possible for you to do or live nearby and see your wife until your son moves out and you can liv e together again. The beatings, obviously, cannot continue and while I understand your feelings, you can't change anything by beating him. Not worth the trauma for him or for you.
2007-09-12 18:23:40 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋