poetry help!!?

Question

sooo my english teacher asked us to make a "duplicate" poem like the one william carlos williams wrote ("this is just to say")..but we have to make up our own..however, it has to be similar meaning..do u guys get what i mean?!? sooo heres the original poem..http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/this-is-just-to-say/
and for my version..i dont really like the title..so its great if u guys can help me and revise some of my words and add more lines..just suggest!! tell me if its funny cos its supposed to be kinda funny at least..thanks..

A Camp Surprise

Take my apologies ahead of time,
I didn’t mean to do it
Just to let you know,
I have used the last roll of toilet paper
That was in the bathroom
And which you were probably saving for your overnight camp

Please forgive me,
It was two-ply
so soft
and so absorbent
plus, my stomach was upset
they kept me entertained,
and so I finished my origa

and so I finished my origami art project ahead of time

this is the last line..couldnt fit!! :)

Answer 1

I think you might need to ask your teacher to define further what s/he means by "duplicate." In tone, I think you've captured (even magnified) the cheeky irreverence of Carlos' poem rather well. Stylistically and structurally, Kevin's revision of your poem is closer to Carlos' minimalism, although it leaves out some parts of your poem that are worth keeping which I'll mention later.

It seems a little creatively stifling for you to have to match Carlos' poem on so many levels. For a poem to function as an homage or satire of an original source, it should be enough to create a an echo of the source material. That being said, I would probably pick up more quickly that Kevin's revision was an allusion to the Carlos poem if I hadn't been told at the outset.

There was something unsettling (in a compelling way) about the juxtaposition of toilet paper with an origami project. The transition from the mundane to the refined is rather startling, and the suggestion that you need to take care of the first before you can get to the second bears out in this unusual association.

I hope you literally didn't mean that sheets of toilet paper were used for your origami project, because logistically speaking, toilet paper would be a very difficult material to worth with in origami. My interpretation instead was that getting the ol' bowel movements out of the way allowed more time to complete the origami sooner. But the two kinds of tissues (toilet paper versus the implied use of origami paper) involved in their respective processes creates a disturbing yet clever ambiguity.

In a way, I wish the setting was occurring at summer camp, where all these factors would logically come to bear. It would speak to the absurd mixture of low-brow and high-brow cultural experiences that is so typical to a summer camp experience.

Which leads me to the title "Camp Surprise" which I rather like. It's a rather clever play on words since "camp" can also be taken to mean "the deliberate affectation of manners thought to be artificial, vulgar, or banal."

Final suggestions: make the setting summer camp, rework the origami part, and rewrite your lines in the stark syllabic minimalism (similar to what Kevin proposed, but make it your own) that would be suggestive of Japanese aesthetics in poetry and origami. This would all work to create a collision of the low brow with the high brow within your poem.

Answer 2

your attempt wasn't bad, but if you're going to do a duplicate poem, your poem should be true to the form of the original, which means that your poem should have three stanzas, each with four lines, each with a similar beat to the original. Also, the first stanza should say what you did, the second recognizes there was another purpose, and the third presents the apology and excuse.

So, your poem would become,


I have used
the last roll
of toilet paper
in the bathroom

and which
you were probably
saving
for your overnight camp

forgive me,
It was two-ply
so soft
so absorbent

...and that would become your "duplicate" poem.

Answer 3

I find it irresistible. This is the last sentence from Sex Without Love via Sharon Olds which first confirmed me what poetry is competent of (it is a little lengthy): they're like first-class runners: they recognize they're on my own with the avenue floor, the bloodless, the wind, the are compatible in their sneakers, their over-all aerobic- vascular well being—simply elements, just like the associate within the mattress, and no longer the reality, that's the unmarried frame on my own within the universe towards its possess exceptional time. Edit: and sure as Cheese Whisperer says I might not be following instructional materials...it is near regardless that.

Answer 4

Very, very cute...don't change anything.

Answer 5

GOOD ATTEMPT.