How do you raise spiritual kids with a non-spiritual man? Is it time for divorce?

Question

We have been married for 10 years and we have 6 kids together. We are both members of the same church, but I live the standards and he doesn't. He comes to church once in a while, but comes back home and sets a poor example for the kids. My oldest daughter knows right from wrong and she sees what he is doing.

He is a good dad other than the example he sets, but our marriage is really not very good. He has no respect for me and the amount of work I do. He even uses my toothbrush and razor! I have asked him several times not to, but he just doesn't care. I am starting to realize that the way that he treats me is the ways my sons will treat their wives and what my daughters will expect from their husbands.

We've been through counseling and it works temporarily, but he always goes back to his old ways. Is this just who he is and he pretends to be someone else for awhile? Am I crazy to think that it's better to seperate than keep fighting?

Let me just add...when I say "standards" I mean the man stays out all night drinking, gambles with our grocery money, looks at porn and uses tobacco. All of these are things I am trying desperately to teach the kids to refrain from. How can I do that?

Answer 1

Too bad you didn't figure this out earlier.

If he won't change and you can't deal with who he is, there you have it.

Answer 2

Don't give up on your husband!!! Keep lifting him up in prayers for God to open his eyes, soften his heart and give him the opportunity to change. I'm going to recommend sending the kids off and haveing a serious discussion with him about what he is doing and not doing (being the spiritual leader of the home) I would'nt say he's pretending as much as he's trying to be who he wishes he was. Take it a little at a time maybe in the conversation say ok can we try to work on this issue this month (i.e dont use my toothbrush or razor) Or (hehe) this is very cruel but you never know it just might work..after he uses your toothbrush say oh-no did you use my toothbrush?!?! ( make sure he did) and then say you forgot and put it back in the holder after you used it to clean (the sink or whatever) he will be so grossed out he'll never do it again!!! Seriously if he does agree to counselling go buy the cd sets for Love and Respect and Cracking the Communication code online at loveandrespect.com Good Luck and don't give up remember the bible's promise "raise your children up in the way they shall go and they won't depart from it" Also of course most important of all talk to your pastor

Answer 3

OK 1st up let me appologise in advance if anything I say offends , I was raised in a house where my mother believed religion would solve all of our problems and while I do not agree with most beliefs I do agree on you allowing the children to come to know what you believe is god.

Moving on from that , society is the way society is so it doesnt matter how you raise your children , you can have them believe tobacco , gambling , and everything you've stated your husband does is wrong , but when they become adult's with the pressure of their peer's they will do what ever they do and no amount of religion is going to stop that.

As to the husband issue I'd dump him and I am not even a god fearing woman , while I do believe in a higher power I do not believe in 1 man being the "be all and end all " to the universe.But thats only my personal oppinion.I wouldnt tolerate any man doing what you claim your husband does no normal woman would.

I think you've already made your decision what to do but can I give you a little bit of advice , take it or leave it , let your kid's decide , their clever little thing's when it come's to taking in information on the world and they're not as nieve as we wish them to be , keep raising them as fantasticly as you are , but allow them to grow and become their own person dont disrespect their dad in front of them (I'm not saying you do this you probably dont ) , let them come to their own conclusions on life , god and their dad and dont raise your expectations to be something higher then humanly possible , my mother did that only to be dissapointed.

Anyways good luck and make sure you get as much legal advice as is available before making your next move.

Answer 4

Religion isn't the same thing as spirituality. My husband is athiest, and I'm Christian. The kids grew up with competition and harmony and the precarious balance seems to have served them well.

And using your partner's toothbrush and razor isn't really all that disrespectful. Using them to clean the toilet? Yes, that is definitely disrespectful. Brushing his teeth with the toothbrush of the woman that he kisses each day? Not so much so.

Church isn't an excuse to pretend to be someone you are not. It's an opportunity to practice being who you are capable of being.

Are you seeking a way out? There must be other issues because what you've expressed so far are mere annoyances. Not evil character traits.

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Edit:
Those are the "other" issues!!!!

When it's harder to raise a family with the help of the partner than it is without it, it's time to lighten the load.

He may have some redeeming qualities, but 6 kids and a selfish person is a burden. If he could carry his own weight, he wouldn't be escaping through the addictions. And as long as he is focusing on why he is justified in his behavior (and there will ALWAYS be justifications if he looks for them), you are on your own anyway.

Blessings~ And sorry for the original misunderstanding.

Answer 5

I'm agnostic but did grow up with religious parents so I hope this Bible passage helps! Do contact your pastors about your problem before deciding what to do. Christians tend to pray about these things as well. Personally I think you should stay as your husband is not abusive and you shouldn't divorce him just because he isn't a believer and imperfect. I think taking the time and giving enough care and love to work things out and giving patience to your spouse even when you feel they drive you crazy, is better than just to leave.


1 Corinthians 7:12-24 (New International Version)


12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

17Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. 20Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. 21Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ's slave. 23You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. 24Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.


1 Peter 3:1-6 (New International Version)

Peter 3
Wives and Husbands
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Answer 6

I don't know. I think it's a bad example to set for your kids that you do things simply because it's the 'standards' of your church. You should do the right thing because it's the right thing not cause someone else tells you to.

Maybe you and your husband need to meet each other halfway. You stop putting obsurd demands on him that he follow what may feel to him like a cult, and maybe he'll stop being a doofus.

Another thing following a human being's 'standards' or their interpretation of what god's standards are is not spiritual, it is religious. If you truly want to be spiritual you need to stop being a follower.

Answer 7

you have married this man and you attend church on the regular bases and he doesnt, he is setting a bad example in front of your kids and your marriage hasent been great. shows you know respect after having 6 kids you realize this come on the signs were there before you said i do. fighting is not good for the kids and my heart goes out to you sometimes god places two people together with different personality and draws them closer to him just wait on the lord.

Do what will make you and your family happy


good luck

Answer 8

let's face it you couldn't have been too mad at him over the last 10 years you've had 6 kids with him.
stop using religion to beat this drum, you sound like a hypocrite. you have allowed his behavior all these years and now the kids are older and the bloom is off the rose.
seek help for yourself and then go from there. with six kids i hope he is not the irresponsible s o b you make him out to be. because if he is you are going to be having one hell of a bad time supporting all those kids alone!!!!!!!

Answer 9

Well....its hard to say...he needs to respect you that is a given but if u are a spiritual person then you probably already know that divorce is only acceptable when there is adultery. so i say pray about it and your kids will also lead by your example and you sound like a really good and devoted mother so keep your head high

Answer 10

You don't want to break your marriage vows, remember what they are? For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until DEATH do us part.

All you can do is set a good example for your children. Treat others as you want to be treated. Do things for others with out expecting anything in return. Be kind, giving, caring, tolerant, patient, understanding, have unconditional love, be quick to forgive and slow to anger. Treat your husband this way and pray for him. Let go and let God deal with him.

Answer 11

How do you raise spiritual kids with a non-spiritual man?

What does your bible tell you? Very clear, actually, it will tell you how god designed marriage to be and how a husband and wife are to treat each other.

But, that isn't your issue, you need to divorce the bum reguardless. Toothbrush? You gotta be joking. I'm sure your mouth and his mouth have been in worse places.

Your son's will learn from him how to treat a woman. Your the blame because you didn't stop it.