Should one stay in a marriage because of the kids and one's age?

Question

Husband possibly cheat - no hard evidence; very little in common with the spouse; I really want a companion to grow old with which I thought I had found - but he changed after a few years into the marriage. We seem to be night and day on all subjects, even how to raise the children. Been through one divorce and don't want to do it again; Without a companion / bestfriend to share everything with life can be unhappy. Being single again with the potential of not finding a true companion really makes one wonder "Is it worth going back out there, or just keep trying to make this one work?" We have had counseling and discussed our differences. It seems he'll change just long enough to soften the waters, then back to old habits. I feel I have give 150% most of our marriage. At this point I don't even try because I know what will happen.

Answer 1

You are right in that you want to grow old with someone you love and a best friend, but how miserable do you think you will get trying to force a situation? Don't try to change a man, and don't change yourself. That is the problem with the courtship phase of relationships. Everyone is trying so damn hard to impress the other one that they step out of their own way to do it. Then you do it enough to each other that you get married and the next thing you know everything changes. I would have to say if you are that unhappy and you feel you have tried everything then cut your losses and start from scratch again. Before you enter back into the game, take time for yourself and see what you want and need first. Once you come to peace with that then go looking for it.

Answer 2

I know life can throw curveballs at us but you are not alone. He has changed and so have you. When you ask if you should get a divorce the answer is no. Dont let a suspicion get in your way of a marriage. Try to work out the differences you have because even if you leave and find another he will also change in a few years and you will be right back at where you are. The only thing that is constant in this world is change. It all boils down to how we handle it. What both of you have to do is come to a compromise on how to raise the children, and other subjects. Marriages will have the down times where everything seems hopeless. The really successful ones are the ones who wade through and make it past this time of crisis. Remember why you married him in the first place and if you look closely you will still find that same person is still in there. He has only grown as you have. You I can quarantee are not the same person but you are still the same person inside. Sit down and discuss with him what he wants and desires and you do the same. Write things down and compare and you might see some of the same things on both pages. My true advice is to get a baby sitter, go out on a date but dont go to the movies. Go somewhere you can actually talk to each other. I mean actually talk dont just have a conversation. Then come home and turn the lights down low, sit and cuddle for a while, search for each other again in your life and you will find it. And in the morning remember what just happened and keep doing it. Pick a couple of nights without tv and only the family. Play games and talk as a family. Also pick a couple of nights when its just the two of you and get lost in each other like you used too. Let me know if you succeed.

Answer 3

Tough one! Yes, people change over the years. Nothing much you can do about that. I would try to focus with him on the things you DO have in common and then do those things together. Differences on child rearing you guys will have to come to a compromise on. If what he suggests is wrong, DON'T automatically chastise him for that and point out how right you were. Give him credit and appreciation where it is due and hopefully he'll start to do the same. I'm all for staying together, not just for the kids but because trying to find someone else out there is going to be just as difficult...and then you'll have to also find a man who will love your kid(s) as much as you do. Sticking with the father is your best bet, though it will continue to take work. At one point, I told my husband I was tired of trying and if he wanted to stay together, he was going to have to try for awhile. And it worked! He's not perfect...but I acknowledge that he's trying.

Find out from your hubby what 5 things he would like to see you do more. Is it cooking him elaborate dinners? Is it giving him a simple little massage now and again? Is it more sex? And then try to give him each of those 5 things each month. Sometimes when you work harder by giving him exactly what he wants from you, then he'll be happier and try to do the same for you.

Just remember that there are no perfect marriages and there's something to this man that you initially fell in love with. Yes, he's changed. Okay, he might or might not have cheated. But he still has something in him that you've gotta love about him. Our spouses can't always be who we want them to be...and it's especially so when you guys have kids. But sometimes when your kids are grown and you're able to focus more on each other as people, that spark of interest might come back.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You are in a relationship with what amounts to a vampire. He drains your energy. The fact that you are back on this forum asking this same question says that.
He really isn't around to raise the kids so his input doesn't matter.
Cut the cords.
You are good-looking. You have a good heart and have really put everything you have into this marriage with nobody giving back. You might as well peel off the energy mooch that knows better.
When you close one door, another opens. Make room in your life for someone who will help and love you and the kids unconditionally.
When you get the chance, hit Half-Price Books and pick up a little book called "The Prayer of Jabez" by Wilkinson... very powerful.

Answer 5

why do u keep speaking in third person? Like if you don't have a mate u will dissolve.
Think about the kids who watch you be unhappy day in and day out but are helpless to help u. I watched my mom lose her youth with my stepdad and when he DIED and left her only a small amount of insurance she is still crazy because now she old
does he have habits?
Is he just an ***?
are u being picky?
Do u have a hobby or some diversion besides him and his husbandness?
Have u meditated?
are u focused or just feeling depressed

Time is only given once, go out there alone if u wish u won't die from lonliness

Imagine a house that is mom and kid owned, that is happy
Imagine a husband wife house with kids that is happy
visualize positivity
it will happen

Read co-dependent no more by melanie beatty
after you read Seven habits of Effective People by Steven Covey.
U are your own not his wife you know

Answer 6

Most people would tell you to jump ship.
I think I would want to, also.
I know I would.
But then, here's the last question to ask yourself before you do:
If you have been unhappy, and attracted to men with whom you can't work things out, how much of it is just our culture, and how much of it is you?
If there is little way to know that you can improve things romantically for yourself anyway, why put the children through it?
You seem to be dreaming of being single and finding the right guy, but that can be done later.
I know, they say older women can't get a good man.
Nonsense.
40 is the new 30, etc., and a good man knows a good woman when he sees one.
Your kids should be the ones who are there when you are old. THe likelihood is that will survive any man you find from here on out- so what's going to happen to you when this potential lifemate dies on you?
You'll want to be close to your kids.
You'll want to be close to your grandchildren.
You'll wnat to know that you did the best for them.
Single motherhood is a big factor in many children's problems, and they can be life-long problems (drugs, young parenthood, etc.)
Just something to think about.

Answer 7

What does age have to do with any of it? I was in my late fourties when I left my ex. You want a companion? Get a dog. You're never going to find what you want by being desperate...all you will wind up will be those who prey on the desperate. I love being single. I can live my life the way I choose, I have a varied circle of friends, I travel, I enjoy the arts, theatre, concerts, etc. I enjoy going out to dinner at least once a week to "upscale" restaurants. I have never been lonely since becoming single...however when I was married I was lonely for 15 years. I haven't cried since I pulled that u-haul truck away from the driveway in New York and drove it cross country almost 6 years ago....I spent 17 years crying myself to sleep at night when I was married. I'll take my single life over marriage any day and will remain happily single.

Answer 8

Hell no... live it up!

My boss has gone through 5 divorces and has three good off-springs. We play around at the office because she doesn't even give the guys she dates names, she just labels them as potentials followed by their occupation (Meat guy, weight lifter, pool guy, coffee dude, etc...)
She's also looking for a life-mate but is having fun in the process, instead of WASTING her life trying to patch up a shotty marriage. She tells me she is having the most fun she's ever had in her life and she's pushing 50.
We go out clubbing/dancing and she just keeps her eyes open for someone she likes. She found this 35 year old that was by far amongst the sweetest catches. They were together for months and he remained sweet and sane. She broke up with him because of her pet peeves, and went looking for someone else.

Moral of the story:
It's never too late to shop for a partner, there is over 6 billion people in the planet... I'm sure you'll come across a few fair catches!

Answer 9

NEVER EVER EVER stay in a marriage just for the kids they can sense when there is something off and it is more UNHEALTHY for children than just parting ways...nobody wants to see their parents unhappy and you need to make the decision on whether or not it is worth staying unhappy or possibly being happy with someone else...dating isnt always fun but you can make it fun and end up truly happy with someone else that is willing to give back all you give you will eventually resent him for everything and it will become worse you need to get what you deserve dont stay unhappy for the children they will eventually understand why you did what you did kids want only the best for their parents and for them to be happy if you guys are better apart than i suggest you part

Answer 10

no please get out I stayed in a horrible marriage for 17 years I met someone who is the love of my life weve been together for 3years I have two kids at the time they thought there world was coming to an end but now they see how happy I am. and I am a better person and mother believe me you will be so much happier youre not getting any younger and this is the only life you have my boyfriend is a bit younger than I am but we are made for each other good luck take a chance dont be unhappy for the rest of your life