READ my english response (high school level btw) to a speach by Elie Weisel? Tell me if it's good!?

Question

and where it says examples is where im going to explain stuff from his speach. Feel free to change it around, tell me what you like/ don't like.

I think the main theme in this speech is indifference. (Examples)… Indifference is what forces the world into a stagnant rotting state. It’s the fuel for global warming and poverty, people just don’t care. We need to inform and educate ourselves about problems going on in the world so we can step up and take action. We need to start changing to improve the condition of the planet and resolve global issues. Indifference is just another word for uneducated, how can we stop acid rain if we have never heard of it before? Choosing to do nothing is the same as letting the situation get worse.

Answer 1

Maybe try to show why you think the theme is indifference by giving an example or a quote from it. (Teachers LOVE that)

Also, sometimes the writing flows a little better when you mix things up. For example, you started your sentences with I, Indifference, It, We, We, Indifference, and Choosing. I like choosing, but it would probably sound good if you said something like...
Informing and educating ourselves about problems is a needed skill in order to make a difference in the world.
... instead of We need to inform and educate........ you get the picture.

The question at the end is good, and you have a good point.

PS-- you've got a good voice, so don't edit the natural sound out of it and good luck with it!

Answer 2

You did a good job, and you got some good advice here.
Reading your response, I only had one issue. I don't think indifference has to do with being uneducated. If you don't know about something, you can't be indifferent to it. You can't feel anything when you don't know about it. (did I just violate that first person rule? Oh,well.)
Indifference is Knowing something harmful is happening, and still doing nothing, even pretending not to know. For instance, if you see someone slap their kid in the face in a public place, do you just keep walking by?
I would expand the issues beyond just global warming and acid rain. They are valid, but I'd make more of poverty, and more on the interpersonal level. I'll bet Mr. Weisel was thinking of "people" issues, after all he went through. Indifference caused the people of Germany to say they knew nothing about the ovens and the camps.
"Choosing to do nothing is the same as doing the wrong thing."--I think that is more powerful. (to me anyway)
Good job!!

Answer 3

"Indifference is just another word for uneducated, how can we stop acid rain if we have never heard of it before? "
Just a lil' advice if you are going to ask a question, answer it. It shows the reader you know what youre talking about and also that you did enough research on the topic and know it well enough to inform the reader, who knows nothing about what you're talking about.

Also, try not to use words like "we" (who is "we"?)

"It’s the fuel for global warming and poverty" instead of it's, use the actual topic, so Indifference instead of It's ( because again, what is "it"? Maybe try to add in a quote Weisel used and then explain your take on it. =)

Answer 4

I think that you wrote this well. Some things to consider:
It’s the fuel for global warming and poverty, people just don’t care.-here, it sounds like a fragment. Maybe try 'because people just don't care.'

Also, 'Indifference is just another word for uneducated, how can we stop acid rain if we have never heard of it before? ' Sounds like a run-on sentance. Try putting a period between them, or adding 'For example' between the two sentences.

Answer 5

It is fine, but take out the I think at the beginning. Be positive. The theme IS indifference. I think shows weakness and uncertainty. Pax-C

Answer 6

You should never EVER use second or first person when writing a response to a writing, unless told to do otherwise.

Always state your opinion as fact, so instead of "I think the theme is..." simply say "The theme is..."