feeling guilty because of having sex?

Question

i am 20 years old and i am in a serious relationship.things are great between us,we love,respect and take care of each other.so it is normal that we have sex.for my parents it would not be normal,so they do not know anything about it.but yesterday my uncle found out that my cousin who is only 15 years slept with her boyfriend,everyone is furious and dissapointed.i go to universty and i am doing great,they support me financially,i have had cancer 2 yrs ago,so they help me,but i give them back as much as possible,i think they would be dissapointed too if they knew,and i feel gulity,although i do nothing wrong,i am an adult,i cant just go and tell them it would break their heart,but how can i feel better and stop thinking that i am doing against their will.i am so happy in my relationship,why cant they accept the fact that i am grown up.

Answer 1

A parent's view:

The definition of being an adult is to be over the age of 21 and RESPONSIBLE for your own behavior and actions in your life. Perhaps the guilt comes from the fact that you are still financially attached to them. Perhaps a student loan and taking the responsibility of your costs in life would go a long way in showing them they really should have no say in what you do or not do. For my own children, respect goes hand-in-hand with their own responsibility for their own affairs. I do not need to control their life if they can handle their own messes and sucesses. I can express my feelings that what is happening is not in their best interest but beyond that, it is their life... I will love them unconditionally. They can mess it up as much as they can handle. My job is already done. If I did not instill some decent values in them while they were growing up then what will change now?

If you become pregnant and that is always still a risk even on birth control, then who with absolute certainty is going to step up and support that child for the next 18-20 years? What health insurance is in place if the birth of this child God forbid, isn't healthy and needs continual care from birth to the grave? If you do not have a good answers for these questions then perhaps the guilt is well-serving. Children acting as adults do things without a plan and then look like deer in headlights when it goes all wrong. As long as you have good contingency plans in place and accept the risks and the responsibilities attached to them then there is no need for guilt. It should be clear to you that you have no legal standing in a "committed" relationship as to financial help in raising any accidental children. From what I remember, every guy was "committed" to their sweetheart when they were getting laid with no responsibilities cause they KNOW they can always move on to someone else with ease.

Your adult business is your own so why would you tell them? Do they tell you when they have sex? If you don't want or are afraid of their input then keep these things to yourself.... needing their approval is just something else that may be pointing to you not being ready to do this. If you know it will make them upset then what is your perceived value of telling them? All this will accomplish is make them worried and you will still feel guilty. Where is the pay-off to you??? Other than to share your guilt so it lessens your burden, it shifts some of the stress load to your parents.... not very adult behavior. Do what is right for you and your future rather than rationalize poor behavior. That is what your guilt may be really trying to say to you. If doing the best for you is the thought pattern as your guiding star then most parents would be very supportive of any decision you wish to make in life.

Answer 2

i think that you need to take your own advice. just like you said, you are a grown up now. if you have your responsibilities, an you take care of them. you are in love. its not like you are going around having sex with random people, an acting totally trashy. Think about it, they may be mad at your cousin because she is 15! i would be too! she isnt old enough to take on the responsibilities of a child yet, or her own family! you on the other hand are 20, well entered being an adult. if you had to support another mouth to feed you could if you had too. being sexually active doesnt make it your parents buisness, no matter how much they would dissaprove. you cant feel obligated that you need to tell them everything. you have your own life, an your own secrets. as long as you know that you are being careful, and not careless about the desicions that you make, then go on living!!If they get mad at you for doing something that is only human at your age, then there is something wrong with them. as far as them helping you in the past? they should have! you went through some serious things in your life, an they are your parents, they are there for you when you fall. just go on with your day to day life, most importantly, dont get involved with the whole cousin buisness, an be happy! you are a very lucky person, an im glad that you over came the cancer!! good luck in life deary!

Answer 3

I can understand them being disappointed in a 15 year old, but a 20 year old? You're an adult and are old enough to decide if you're ready to be having sex or not. You're cousin on the other hand is not of age and may not be ready to deal with the emotional aspects that come along with having a sexual relationship. If you really love each other, then why feel guilty about expressing it? 15 and 20 are two totally different age groups, please keep that in mind and don't EVER feel guilty about having sex with the person you love.

Answer 4

Some parents are ridiculously old fashioned and conservative.

Keep in mind that there is a world of difference between a 15 year old having sex and a 20 year old. But even so, some people have this puritan outlook on sex.

Frankly though, it is none of their business. You are in a serious relationship and you have decided to make that relationship sexual. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. So stop worrying about it. You can't go though life feeling guilty about what everyone else thinks. You have only one life, and you should enjoy it. Life is way too short for worrying about such things.

What they don't know won't hurt them.

Answer 5

take a scroll at the Yahoo personals sometime. Women seeking men, the women are overwhelmingly older than 30. They may have the career, education, and the bling, but still can't find a decent husband. 20 years ago, they were like you and your cousin are now. If you had two daughters, one a virgin, and the other a single mom, who do you think the more successful men will be interested in? As for me, my old hoochie mama booty calls gave me what I wanted, and never got that diamond ring.

Answer 6

Haha! Well I can understand where you are coming from. I'm 22, just graduated from college and have a wonderful boyfriend. We also sleep together and my parents know nothing about it. They believe it's immoral and wrong (because of religion). While I grew up going to church, I don't think it's that big of a deal. I can't say i've ever felt guilty about doing it but I definitely have felt guilty about NOT feeling guilty if that makes sense. I definitely don't think you need to outright tell them that you're having sex, at your age - it's not their business. Just make sure to be careful and if they do find out, deal with it then. But remember, you're a grown up and it's your choice. Good luck!

Answer 7

They can't accept it, because they're your parents :-) If you feel like you are in a good and solid relationship and sex is a way you and your boyfriend choose to express your love--Fine. However, you do need to make sure to practice safe sex. In addition, you are not obligated at the age of 20 to discuss your sex life with your parents. Allow them to support you, keep your grades up, stay on top of your remission. Ultimately, you have to make your own decisions and do what YOU want without disrespecting and embarassing your parents.

Answer 8

To answer the question of why your folks can't accept the fact that you are grown, maybe due to the hardships they've watched in your life to this point. Some parents don't want to let their babies go, not that I am saying you are a baby mind you. But none the less sometimes it's hard to let go. You can bet they was getting their freak on when they was your age. Nothing wrong there, unless you're doing your cousin.

Answer 9

If you are in a serious relationship and your 20 yrs old they should understand that. Its none of their business though and you do not need to tell them anything . There is a BIG difference between you a 20 yr old and a 15 yr old. 15 is way too young to start being sexually active but 20 is a different story.

Answer 10

Because your their daughter so you will always be their little girl! I am 26 and I am still my daddys little girl. Ultimately, the decision is up to you and your boyfriend and as long as you guys are safe (always safe!) then dont feel guilty. You are a grown woman. They will eventually except that you are grown up but that may not be until you are married. Make sure you finish up school and have safe sex and you will be fine. i think its real sweet that you even care what they think. They must have raised you well.