would you be *slightly* upset if this happened to you?

Question

say you had this friend that you trust a lot, get along with well and generally close to them. but then they have some episodes with minor depression so you help them as much as you can. then, a few months later, they tell you that someone else has really helped them and they keep acknowledging them, although you have helped them as well. but they never mention how much you've helped them even though you have known them for a longer time than the other person helping them.
how would you feel if that happened? would you think it was unfair?

btw, if you're going to post silly answers then don't bother. i'm only looking for opinions. thanks.

Answer 1

First, notice one answer you got. The person ranted, and permanently alienated their former friend.

So you could, if you wanted, completely lose this friend.

Assuming you DON'T want that (and no one in their right mind would), let's look at this a bit.

It may be that the things that the other person did were actually more helpful than what you did. I don't know, as you don't say what you did and what she did.

Sometimes, people who've gone through what you're going through just is more helpful, because they understand it. For instance.

Still, you were trying to help, with the best intentions, and are now feeling dissed.

As someone else said, it's also possible that everyone else in your friend's life is getting an earful about how great YOU were during that time.

Still, again, you don't know that, because she's not saying it to the most important person she could say it to: you.

Or it may simply be she's distracted by this new friend, and is taking you for granted. (There was an answer that describes this happening, and the new friendship has since ended, the old continued.)

So, what, if anything, to do about it?

I think it would make sense to bring this up with your friend. But don't do it in a harsh, ugly, alienating way. Do NOT go off on her.

Some time when she's gone on about New Person, let a silence sit for a while.

Then very quietly say something like "Yes. You keep telling me how much she helped you. I tried to help you then, too. But I guess you don't think the things I did were helpful at all. This makes me sad, as I thought I was being a good friend to you through your hard time."

It's possible that, even if you're completely non-hostile during this speech that she'll get mad.

Don't let that get to you, as most likely that would be her guilt speaking.

Just get away, and give her some time to think about things.

At some point, unless she's really NOT your real friend, this should bring some realization to her that she's hurt your feelings, and that a little acknowledgement of how important you are to her is in order.

BTW, if you don't think you can talk to her about this calmly, in a way that's most likely to make her think, rather than make her mad, then write her a letter. (Don't text message, or use an instant-reply technology. What you want is for her to think about this. You don't want what her immediate reaction is, you want what her response is after some reflection.)

Answer 2

I have a friend who I am always there for, I listen when she's down, I take her shopping as she has no car, give her lifts here there and everywhere, but that's what friends do. She has a new friend now who she keeps referring to as "the most loyal and caring friend" anyone could have. I was a little hurt, but I know that I will be around for her a lot longer than Mrs Newmates!! She got friendly with someone a few months back who she said the same about and she doesn't speak to her anymore, real friends stand the test of time and your kindness becomes unnoticed after a while.

Answer 3

I would definitely feel upset, at first. But perhaps this other person has helped them differently, made them see something in a new light. Sometimes it's better to talk to someone that you don't know all that well. The truth of the matter is, that if you are close to this friend and them to you, they probably do appreciate the effort to help them they just might not be voicing it out loud

Don't dwell too much on the fact that someone else has helped them, just be glad that they feel better.

Answer 4

Yes it is unfair, your friend should at least give you credit for what you have done. I know it makes you feel as if you were just being used for your knowledge. Personally, I would feel quite disappointed, too. Talk to your friend and tell him/her how you feel. Let the person know what bothered you and so on. I understand you don't want to make a big deal out of nothing. I also know that you are not looking to get extreme credit for this, so generalize the situation to your friend's attention. I hope that you are able to still maintain your friendship. If not, then you know what to do.

Answer 5

It's only natural that you would feel this way, a situation similar to this has happened to me in the past, and the best thing to do is focus on the fact that your friend is happy now, rather than the fact he/she didnt give you praise. I'm sure this person appreciates you a lot, but maybe for different reasons.

Just let your friend know that you'll be there for them whenever they need you and you want to let them know that you want to help whenever possible and you care for them a lot.

Hope that helped!

Answer 6

Its difficult when people take you for granted, and then praise other people. I wouldnt react in anyway to it, they'll only say your jealous, even though its not the case. What I would do however, is try and spread your wings a little. I dont know the full situation but try and get friendly with others outside the circle, work colleagues etc. Dont burn your bridges, but then one time when its taken for granted that you will be meeting up, you will be able to say sorry, im meeting so and so tonight, but will go next time.

Answer 7

To be honest I wouldn't be upset in that situation. If your friend needs help then they can use all the resources that they can and if one person really helped them through tough times then that's what happened. Sure, I might be a little jealous but that's all that I would really be concerned with. If a person needs help they need help and if someone gives them a breakthrough then they deserve most of the credit anyways.

Answer 8

Yes, I would be very upset.

I've actually had a friend who has done this to me. Her name's Allie. She went through some depression and as far as I knew, I was the only one who cared. Then, after it was over, she kept talking about this other girl who helped her out. We'll call her Mandi. "Mandi did this" and "Mandi did that". Was all I heard. I can be agressive when something goes completely wrong, and that day, I did. I interrupted her little "love" speech about Mandi and I said "Well, how about the times I listened to you? What about that one day I gave up my plans to go to Alex's and spent the day here talking to you? Are you implying that you don't care about what I do?" and the rant went on... Now, I don't speak with this person because they've ditched me for this Mandi. I haven't talked to her since that day.

Answer 9

this exact thing happened to me. the person made a new friend that will help them. its not to say that they dont appreciate you. they just have someone new. it could be temporary or maybe they will stay friends. theyve known you for a while right? if they are a good friend, they will stay with you. good friends know how much you are worth and wont leave you for the other person just because they help too. dont be too upset. :D

Answer 10

yes i would be upset. they may not realise though. how many times have you said something to someone and then realised that it wasn't that tactful? If I were you, I would make a joke about it next time they mentioned the person and say something like " and what about my help, does that not count then?" if you say it with a smile, they won't think you are being agressive but they will realise that they have to acknowledge you too.