Scared of sex at 25?

Question

I'm female, 25 years old, and scared of sex, but I don't know why. I've never been sexually abused in the past or had any horrible sexual experiences, but the thought of full sex makes me feel physically sick and very panicky.

The most I've ever done with guys is some above the waist stuff, which I'm fine with. But as soon as their hand goes below the waist I get really scared, push them away and usually end up in tears.

It's not that I have no sexual desire, I do, and I masturbate from time to time, I use a vibrator as well, although I don't particularly like the feeling of having anything inside me, it makes me feel a bit sick sometimes. But the thought of letting anyone else touch me scares me, and the thought of full penetrative sex terrifies me.

Any ideas what's causing my fear? How do I get over this? Because ultimately I want to get married and have kids, and I want to be able to enjoy sex.

Answer 1

I suppose it COULD be something repressed, some abuse in infancy, but honestly, i don't personally believe that repressed memories are all that common.

I do think that it does bother you enough that you need to explore it with a professional. The time is now, not when you are in a relationship and it becomes a critical issue, contrary to the opinions of other posters. In fact, I believe this fear could cause you to AVOID relationships and so, should be addressed now while the stress of emotions for someone else are NOT an issue.

I think something very key in your post is when you said..

"...I don't particularly like the feeling of having anything inside me, it makes me feel a bit sick sometimes. But the thought of letting anyone else touch me scares me, and the thought of full penetrative sex terrifies me."

This is the passage that jumped out at me.

Phobias can be quite complicated as well as stubborn and may have little to do with the actual activity feared.

For example, a woman who was once held captive and raped may have panic attacks triggered by standing in a grocery store line or driving on the interstate. Explanation? These two situations cause her to feel a loss of control, a feeling of not having a choice, being crowded, pressured or stressed. They simply touch on feelings that were present at the time of the trauma and continue to prevail due to her assault.

So the fear of penetration may nave nothing to do with past sexual issues but some other form of having your body integrity breeched, or being in some position of inferior control. Other kinds of trauma may play out in sexual triggers. It could be something quite mild actually, that as you seem to fail time and time again has only become bigger n your mind.

Having said that, you still might be able to figure this out alone, but what a dismal prospect and lonely too. Please, do something now while it isn't at a crisis level, while you can work on it without a romance or relationship hanging in the balance. I just can't stress enough how freeing healing from something like this can be and suggest you make it a priority.

Sexual intimacy is such a gift, so much of what makes us human and the beauty of what can be shared between two people who care for one another. Don't cheat yourself out of this experience for fear of facing it and dealing with the work it may take to heal. I promise you, honey, it CAN be overcome and you will be much happier with yourself for having done it.

Many gentle thoughts to you, darling.

Answer 2

Perhaps it's just a fear of the unknown. You've experimented on your own, so you know what to expect. It's going to take a patient man that you love to get over this; rushing into it with a total stranger will likely cause guilty feelings, let alone not help you at all.

Don't worry about it for now because you're not in a relationship where this is an issue, and worrying about it now is only going to make it worse. Continue experimenting with yourself, and if a relationship reaches the point where sex is an option, talk very frankly with your partner. The right guy will respect your honesty, and he will help you through it. If he's pushy, he's not the right guy.

If you're not opposed to counseling, that may be an option for you because you're describing what almost sounds like a phobia.

Answer 3

At the risk of being "thumbs downed"... I dare to ask, does having sex scare you and cause ill feelings, or is it more the thought of having sex with a man? If you are without a doubt heterosexual, then you should seek the advice of a therapist. Being able to let go of all your fears and insecurities is a must when totally surrendering yourself to another. This can be terribly overwhelming, and you may need some counseling to overcome this.

Good Luck. Sex is a wonderful experience when you can learn to relax and enjoy it.

Answer 4

Personally, I was sexually abused as a child and I was very nervous about sex. I recently lost my virginity to my bf (yes, I am 25- and I lost it at 25). However, it wasn't so much the fear of sex that caused me not to have sex-- it was the trust issue.
I needed to know that I was with someone that I fully, 100% trusted and when I was able to trust my boyfriend then we were able to have sex.
I was also terrified of the pain as well- I just told my boyfriend that I trusted him and since then we've been doing very well (Also, I find sex enjoyable).

You may have experienced something bad that happened to you that you have decided to blank out; however, I wouldn't force yourself to remember.

Be honest with the people you are involved with and if they refuse to understand then they are not worth your time.

Much luck and i hope it all works out well for you. =)

Answer 5

u need to explore your own body first,sort out in your own mind want relaxes u and makes u orgasm and get used to walking around naked and not feeling ashamed of your body,maybe do it with someone u trust, u need to relax otherwise nothing will ever happen,and if u cant make yourself orgasm what chance has a man got?U should also try 4play 4 a while with someone u trust and then gradually when u feel comfortable move on,maybe at first with some teasing so dosent go all the way in and then use lube then u wont feel so anxious. Relax its fun when u get going.xx

Answer 6

Not sure what is causing this Jen, but sounds like it could be a mental block of some kind.
Maybe the reason that you respond like this is because as yet you haven't found the right person to make love to you. As strange as it may seem you might need to feel genuine love before you will let it happen.
I would not get to uptight about it or things could get worse.
If it worries you that much go and see your GP and see what they say.

Answer 7

Hi. I've had this problem all my life and because of this am still alone in my mid 30s. Being alone doesn't bother me, it's the responses from those who should know better.
Perhaps you suffer from a condition called vaginismus - where the walls of the vagina spasm painfully so much that intercourse is impossible. You'll have to go and see a specialist, but it is treatable.
Good luck...

Answer 8

Sometimes the ways we were taught to think about sex when children can affect the way we think of it as adults. Maybe you were taught that sex is dirty, so a part of you still feels that now?

Take it slow, don't feel any pressure to have sex before you are ready, and if you feel you need help, then there are counsellors you could speak to who are trained in this area.

Answer 9

It may be a lot of things causing the fear, pregnancy, STD's, being naked, not knowing what to do, etc.
I think when you are with the right person and want to share this emotional moment with them it will happen naturally.
If not you can consult with a sex therapist they may be able to help you.

Answer 10

The best thing to do is to go and see your GP (Doctor) . Everything that you tell them is stricly confidential and they will definitely point you in the right direction.
I hope all goes well for you. Good Luck.