What do you think about this statement concerning working parents and stay at home parents from the viewpoint?

Question

of a child who has now grown up.....

"If your a working mother, your kids will inevitably resent you at at some point; they'll want you there seeing to their needs every second of the day, not out having a career. If you stay home, on the other hand, theres a point at which your kids are going to say, "darn it, why doesn't mom go out and get a life? Why is she always on my case?" Ultimately, parents should do what they need to do, happy parents generally have happy kids, and no child wants a parent who goes around acting martyred."

This is an excerpt from the book, The Conversation Begins, Mothers and Daughters Talk About Living Feminism

Answer 1

I agree with the part, if you have happy parents then you'll have happy children. This rings true in my case. Both my parents work and both my parents are happy. And I grew up with more than enough love and attention from both. And I've become a happy and satisfied adult.

Answer 2

Kids, esp teenagers, are going to resent you whatever you do. So, it's really par for the course. My house is full of teenagers from 3:30 to 8:00pm, males and females (they love to read what I write on here, and egg me on often, lol. Funny that they have so much interest in gender studies...) and they ALL resent their parents, less one daddy's girl here or there. They all hate their Mom's (sorry Mom's), working outside of the home or not be damned. They all state that they love their Mom's too, but usually end it with: I just don't like what she does, she never listens, she's not down with what's going on today, she has no idea and therefore no premise to base her ideas on. Yes, Mom's I DO take up for us, but they do have a point. Whether you work or not, you have to develop some idea of what your kids life is actually like. You think you may know since you were a teen once too, but believe me things have changed significantly since we were kids. Of course the teens have their part to play too, and I do my best to explain that to them. The old it 'takes two' speech.....yea, they roll their eyes, but I do feel they are brutally honest with me.

I do know happy 'perfect nuclear family' type parents that have depressed children, so no I don't agree with that statement at all based on personal experience. The author doesn't account for biological mental illness.

Ha! I do agree with the martyr mommy statement. That was my Mom. She could lay some really heavy stuff on you, guilt you out so bad over nothing, just because she wanted to play devil's advocate or 'make us think'. And my Mom is a feminist!

Anyway, I think parent's 'should ultimately do what is best for the CHILD, even if places strain on the parent. After all, they won't be children forever. I think the author oversimplified the relations between parent and child and might be taking a slightly selfish parental stance. I take time to refuel myself as a PERSON often enough to keep me happy. I have 3 VERY active boys! So its a must! I have my own little things I do to stay happy. But, my children are minors and it is my joyful duty to put them ahead of most everything I do. If a Mom can't make that sacrifice she's not ready to have kids. Funny, we don't really ask the same of Dad's, dunno why that is.....

Answer 3

I think that statement is true, but only to an extent. Parents can be happy but so wrapped up in their own worlds that they can be completely oblivious to unhappiness (emotional or psychological disturbances) in their children. To be unaware of these things (or to ignore them) can be further damaging. That is not to say that when this happens it only happens in families where both parents work. Sadly, it can also happen in families where there is someone at home with the children.

Also, kids naturally always question and criticize their parents, no matter what the parents do or don't do...it's a child's way of figuring out who they are, what they want to be, how they want to live their own lives. Kids are going to be happiest as adults when they eventually figure these things out for themselves. If kids were always happy they'd never move out...lol! I think you have to expect that there will be moments (quite a few, probably) where your kids are going to be dissatisfied with the way things are. It doesn't necessarily mean that as a parent you are doing "something wrong." I think it's an important job of parents (but not the only one) to help their kids learn to be independent, and that's bound to be hard for both parent and child at times. A stay-at-home mom might have the greater challenge of teaching a child independence. A working mom might have a greater challenge of curbing a child's independence...kids can only handle the amount of freedom that is emotionally and psychologically appropriate for the child to handle. Too much independence too soon can lead to big problems. Too much dependence can lead to big problems, too. Both stay-at-home and working parents face challenges, different, and yet related to the same thing: teaching kids individual responsibility, and maturity, appropriate to the child's stages of development. Fostering good self-esteem, coping skills, social skills, conscience development, and emotional and psychological stability are also of great importance. Both working and stay-at-home parents face criticism from outside the family, and both have to deal with criticism from within. Both have to come up with creative solutions to fit the needs of the children, and the family as a whole. It's a delicate balance, and one that is hard to achieve. I think that in most cases kids know, by the time they become adults, that their parents have done the best they could (parents are only human, they have faults, short-comings, weaknesses, problems, insecurities, etc)... and so, many of the mistakes parents may make along the way are generally then forgiven. (There are exceptions to this, I'm just speaking in general terms here.)

Answer 4

I'm afraid I cannot agree with those ideas....

Firstly, it is a huge assumption that children will fall under one of those two categories. I would suggest that the vast majority of kids, today, do not think about or dwell upon whether mom is a SAHM or a career woman. This is not the early stages of the movement for women to have careers...kids today are growing up in a society where both are acceptable/normal.

Secondly, because they are surrounded in school by so many other kids that have moms with careers outside the home, they are already conditioned to understand that moms CAN'T be around to cater to their every need, every second of the day. Conversely, the kids who have SAHMs don't spend much time thinking that 'mom needs to get a life'. Kids today, frankly, are far too caught up in themselves to have those kinds of thoughts about their mother.

I would suggest that this book is horribly out of date, or if not, then horribly irrelevant.

Answer 5

I can somewhat see the point but don't believe this to be completely accurate. I think happy, caring moms will always find a balance. I'm a working single mom and when I'm not at work my time goes to my home and kids (5 & 12). My kid's want me to get a life in my spare time and get off their case. I'm happy I have raised such independent children. Who are secure enough in knowing I'm there to back them up to confidently go into the world fiercely. And, I think me working shows them how to work hard and achieve things. Nothing against stay at home moms, I have alot of respect for them. And, I'm sure they find a balance of not smothering their children and teaching confidence, hard work, and independance. My sister is a stay at home mom and she mostly ignores her children (8 & 10) They do things just to try and get her attention, she is so wrapped up in home and so use to being surrounded by them that she kind of put's them off (I am not saying all stay at home moms do this, this is just an example of the question not always pertaining to stay at home vs working moms)

Answer 6

Both my parents worked my entire life and I was never once resentful that neither one of them was home for that one hour before they got home from work.

I've always thought something about parenting, and recently I read "Freakonomics" and it confirmed my theory: parenting only matters to an extent. The most important things that parents bring to their children's lives is their socioeconomic status, their love, and their stability. Beyond that, school-aged children are much, MUCH more influenced by their peers. No doubt that children love their parents, but parents aren't the centre of their children's world like children are the centre of their parents' world.

But yes, I do agree that happy parents have happy children, but again, it goes back to socioeconomic status and stability.

Answer 7

I don't agree. I think that the kid with the working mother doesn't want their mom waiting on them hand and foot, they want their mom to be around to spend time with them and take care of them.
As for the stay at home Mom. If the Mom is a good stay at home Mother, she will have outside interests besides being a great Mom and running the household. Kids would not worry about their mom having a life because she would have a life.

Answer 8

I'm disappointed to see the author's use the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mindset about a mother's choices. Although I do see the attempt to break out of it, the very act of describing it reinforces it in the reader's mind before the author has a chance to make her point.

It is enough to entice me to read the entire book, however, in the hope that my assessment is completely inaccurate.

Answer 9

The resentment, I find, only exists when the children are young and haven't learned to be self-reliant outside of the bathroom. (Day care has actually helped children become more independent.) I'm 17, my mom works, and I still can't get rid of her. But she's happy to work, and I'm proud of her for going back to school to get her BEd.

Answer 10

makes sense to me....I have seen a great many non-traditional families work out fine because the parents were ultimately happy.