Before I married my husband I already had a little girl whom he knew about. My little girls Dad visited her regulary but has stopped because my husband did not like the idea of my ex coming into the house to see his child. My husband wants my ex to pick up my daughter if he wants to see her and my ex has since then picked her up once in a while. My husband is still not happy because when my ex picks my daughter up he steps foot in the house. This has brought a lot of problems and I am worried this could have effet on my little girl. My husband has issues with my ex calling, has issues when my ex's mum calls to check up on her grand daughter and says he doesn't want me to be around my ex. I also have a baby with my husband and I dont like the idea of bringing up my children in a tensed environment. I have told my husband my little girl has bonded with her dad and I'm not willing to put any boundaries between them either he accepts it or we separate. Is my husband's behaviour right?
2007-09-12 03:32:45 · 28 answers · asked by Lin 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds like your husband needs some counseling for control issues and, more than that, a big dose of reality. Your ex is your daughter's father and nothing is going to change that.
2007-09-12 03:36:15 · answer #1 · answered by leaptad 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
as a father of many, and one who has flirted in and out of relationships without taking responsibility, people would most likely expect me to say "good on ya mate tell ur misses ex to stay away".
Not the case I'm afraid, as explained i have been in the very same circumstances and believe that your daughter is entitled as much as your ex to have regular contact providing it doesnt upset her, it sounds like your new hubby has security issues, whether you have given him reason or not.If he is being unreasonable then he needs to be made aware that you will seperate, even if it means struggling on your own with both kids. You have already explained to your ex, that there is a problem with him coming to the house, he should also respect the wishes of your new husband and either picks up his daughter from outside the home or maybe you could have her picked up and dropped off by a 3rd party or at her granny's. It seems you are stuck in a triangle, and either way someone is going to be hurt, your ex, shouldn't be an issue, but your new man is obviously hurting, your daughter may miss out on seeing her dad, and you are continually unsettled. You never said if he was abusive or not , but if he's not willing to understand, maybe the better idea would be to move on, even if it is til he realises his problem. You are all adults in this but you have 2 kids who are the most important, see to their needs first, and if he isn't happy, sod him. If he loves you , he will come round, ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and he wasn't allowed to pick his kid up from the house.
His behaviour is totally unacceptable and can only lead to a divide between him and your daughter, tell him to get a life, or get a taxi.
I wish you the best of luck x
2007-09-12 10:53:53 · answer #2 · answered by robertsutherland1@btinternet.com 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No he is not right, he is territorial, which is kinda normal, but at the same time, he shouldnt get in the way of the bond between your daughter and her dad. Plus it seems that you and your ex have and amicable relationship which is really good for your daughter and he should be an adult about the situation if you two can. Is he jealous of your relationship with your ex and his parents? Family is so important for children and it sounds like she has a lot of people that care about her, your husband she let whom ever call or visit, since her dads not in the home, because she might need their support and reassurance. I would just talk to him a little more and tell him to picture his self in your daughter shoes or your ex's shoes. If you leave him and he had to visit you all's child would he like your new man acting all stupid? Good Luck, maybe it will get better with time.
2007-09-12 10:49:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your current husband sounds like a real control-freak or he is just a very insecure guy and probably jealous with your EX....or your previous relationship.No,he should allow more contact between your daughter and her dad and family....thats NOTHING to do with him.He shouldnt have to be there when they visit but why cant he behave like an adult in this situation.I mean he is a father himself and should realize the importance of a fatherfigure or does he want to take over,dont let him.Stand up for your little girl some more and explain your husband to back off some more
2007-09-12 10:42:39 · answer #4 · answered by ajal 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If nothing had happened negative in your husbands and ex husbands relationship, then why is he buggin'??
Your daughter will start disliking her step dad if he begins to interfere with her biological father.
It can also backfire because the father may become upset and try to take your daughter from you all together, if he is unable to carry on the same relationship with her he has had.
You new husband needs to understand this, and since you guys have a child together, use this, and ask him what if you two broke up, and your new man did not want him around?
Once, he hears this, if he is not too far gone, maybe he will act right, or you know what you have to do.
2007-09-12 10:41:52 · answer #5 · answered by *HOT*GHETTO*MESS* 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This infuriates me. Your daughter is number one honey and good for you to give him the ultimatium that you have. This little girl needs mom and dad to get along and that is great he comes in to get her. What kind of woman will she be knowing her mom and dad couldn't be friendly to one another. That makes the kids happy. I don't know about you but my sons happiness is first and foremost. I am divorced with a 15 yr old and my ex is welcome in and around our house anytime strictly to keep happiness in my sons life. My new husband speaks to him more than I do. My husband also has two kids of his own and he goes to pick them up from their moms house all the time, goes in chats with her and laughs with her and I back him on that. I am glad that they are close for the kids sake. I would have it no other way. Your husband is being selfish and jealous, not to mention very immature. I would set him straight, be careful also, as to how he treats your little girl. He may be mentally abusive (ignoring her etc) because he knows she doesn't belong to him. Put your foot down, you and your ex have done the right thing for your daughter and don't ever let him think otherwise.
2007-09-12 10:46:01 · answer #6 · answered by Maria 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont believe that he's right at all!!!!
He needs to understand that your daughter is his step-daughter & that you still want her to know her REAL father. Her biological father seems to want to keep in contact w/her as she's growing up. Your husband can't stop you or your ex in seeing his daughter! I see where you're coming from w/your baby growing up in an environment like that. No child or childern should grow up w/tenstion like that around the house...it's not healthy.
I would suggest you sit down & talk to him or if you need to...see a counselor, maybe he/she could help out w/this matter. It's the only way for him to know what he can/can't do w/his step-daughter.
If you love him, try to work it out is the best way, BUT if he can't change & only he can change himself..then Yes, I would suggest you do leave him, be/c it's really not healthy for you or the kids
2007-09-12 10:52:47 · answer #7 · answered by **annie anytime** 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you need to set up a 3 party to pick up your daughter and drop her off at your ex's. That should help around the house as far as the phone calls pick a time every week in which you phone the family and give them any up dates on there grand child. I would also go to counseling with hubby so maybe they can find out what's causing him to act this way.
2007-09-12 11:01:36 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is very common. Your current husband "knew the job was dangerous when he took it". However, like most men in this situation, he did not know just how "dangerous".
I would not want your ex in my house either if I were him. However, he knew about this when he signed up with you. I'm guessing he just did not think it would be this hard to deal with.
You and him are definitely going to have to do something I call "fix it or tear it up completely".
Write down all your concerns and wishes regarding this matter, and leave it for him to read somewhere. Do this when you are not around and then see waht happens.
The situation will either get better or it will wreck itself completely. However, you know it cannot stay like this.
Communicate in writing to him where he will know exactly where you are on this issue.
2007-09-12 10:50:51 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband's controlling ways and jealousy regarding your exhusband is unreasonable. Wish you would have known this before you married him. I can understand for you to compromise on asking your exhusband to pick up your daughter and for him to have his visit with her out side of the home. Although it is sad that it has to be this way. But for your husband to actually demand that your exhusband not call regarding his daughter and he also gets upset for her grandmother to call it totally selfish on his behalf. I am afraid to say, but it appears his insecurity behaviour and unreasonable demands will have a great effect on your daughter. You must make it clear to him that this is something you will not tolerate, and your words must back up what you say. Do not wait for him to change, you just don't tolerate it period! If separating make him come to his senses then do so, if not then at least you leave a situation that is unhealthy for the relationship your daughter has with her father and grandmother which is important to any child. I do hope it all works out for you. Best of luck to you!
2007-09-12 12:11:38 · answer #10 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋