Miserable marriage but husband threatens suicide if I leave..?

Question

Married six years, husband stays with a job about a year - and during that year makes little money because he works commission; financial responsibilty, bill paying, housework (even tho I have a full time job) everything falls to me; he naps (leaves work during the day to take naps) or plays computer when home; we pretty much live as roommates (no intimacy); I have finally gotten to the point where I am saying how unhappy I am and he says that he does not want to be by himself (he only has one friend - no circle of friends); he starts saying he is a failure at everything and that if we cant work it out that he has no reason to live. This puts a huge burden on my shoulders. I want to leave (our son wants me to leave) and even though I know he's manipulating me, I still feel like I'm supposed to take care of him/make sure he's okay because he has no one else. Who has been through this and gone ahead and LEFT anyway? What happened? Do you feel guilty for leaving? Thanks...

Answer 1

This is so common that it even has a name: emotional black mail. The bottom line is none of us can save anyone. The only one who can make your husband better or worse, is himself. From what you say, he isn't doing anything to help himself.
The bigger issue than your husband is your child. In my opinion you have more of a responsibility and obligtion to your child than to your husband. This cannot be a healthy living environment for your child.
Also, of course, your husband doesn't want you to leave. He has it made in the shade! He doesn't want to loose his gravy train! He may have to move, be responsible or do something for himself. He obviously isn't thinking about anyone else but himself.
Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Wow. While my education provides me some insight into this, I have also been through something very similar.

Without going into my situation too far (I don't want to post it here), I will say it is time to leave. It's fairly common for a person who likes to control to use the "suicide tactic" to make someone stay. Bottom line is you are not responsible for the actions of another adult. You are, however, responsible for you and your son. If your son says it's time to go ... there are some key things that an outside source is seeing that ensures to you, this relationship is not working.

I left my wife and took my 18 month old son with me. Everyone told me it was the only thing I could do. I felt so guilty about it afterwards for some time. But, I also started noticing my life was getting better and so was his. I had no idea what type of negative impact she had on him. Now (over 4 years later) we have a new life. She hasn't seen her son in over 4 years (her choice) and we have accomplished so much. We started off from a single suitcase and rebuilt everything. I am so grateful for the whole thing now. I even had a doctor , who is now a colleague, tell me I saved my son's life.

Answer 3

Your husband and you need to see a marriage counselor your carrying all the burden and responsibility and that's not a marriage. He sounds depressed and as far as the whole suicide issue your husband sounds emotionally immature. Your very unhappy and believe me you don't have to be. Give him an ultimatum say change your ways and lets go see a marriage counselor or I am going to see a lawyer about a divorce. People like your husband will only change when something drastic happens usually something negative. Make him realize what he has and what you two could have together. You need to take action otherwise terrible things could happen. You may meet someone that is the total opposite of you husband and well see what a relationship and or marriage is supposed to be like. Good luck and seek some professional help. If he wont go go yourself and get some advice. Don't stay unhappy.

Answer 4

I lived this experience too. I was married 17 years and hubby and I grew apart.
You can and should leave. Emotional blackmail is not fair and that is what he is doing to you.
You need to just pack up and go if you are going to do that and when he says that he is going to kill himself, then you say
"That is not something I would want you to do, but if you do, then it is on you and I will not accept responsibility for your actions." He never killed himself and is now happily married ot another woman. We are friends.
If you don't want to leave and you want to keep trying, then you need to tell him what you expect out of the relationship and give him a timeline to make changes. Help him by making arrangments to go out and do things after work.
Arrange for a picnic dinner...maybe go bowling. Sounds like he is in a rut and maybe also clinically depressed. Suggest he go to a doctor so he can be checked. Medication might help him have more energy to do things.

Answer 5

He's keeping you in the relationship through emotional blackmail. Find a name of a good counselor, give it to your husband, and then leave. As long as he is able to manipulate you, he has no reason to change. It's not your fault if he takes the cowardly way out. Don't you dare accept responsibility for that! I believe that you mean well, but your actions thus-far, have only been enabling your husband.

Answer 6

My first husband killed himself ten years ago. We had a very tumultuous marriage, and I said I was leaving many times and he threatened to kill himself so I stayed. Years went by and I heard from other people that those who threaten never do it, that he simply was using that to control me. After he went to jail, that was the last straw, and I left. He committed suicide, leaving me a widow at 25 with a 3 year old daughter.

Please listen to me: You are not responsible for your husband's mental state. You are not responsible for his choices. You are responsible for your own well being, physically and mentally. You need to get yourself out of this situation, quickly. I can't tell you that he won't do it, because mine did. But if he does, it is not your fault. People who kill themselves are mentally unstable and need professional help. Nothing you as his wife says or does has any impact on his mental health. And I am proof that life goes on, you will survive it, you will be a happier healthier person as years go by.

Feel free to email me privately if you want. Best of luck.

Answer 7

Don't make yourself miserable because of him. It is obvious he is doing that to himself. His behaviour is now affecting your whole household. There is a big chance he will change from the minute you leave anyway, when nothing tying him to his old life is gone, which by the way does not sound very exciting (no offence). If you and your son agree on going, you should do just that.

Answer 8

A person who is self-enslaved will lick the chains that bind him! You are in a one way relationship. Get out before you truly lament it. Do not be moved by his emotional blackmail. If he does commit suicide it has nothing to do with you leaving him. Most dependent, lazy, manipulative, immature and conniving spouses use the same line. Don't fall for it and get out while you still can!

Answer 9

He needs help from a professional therapist. You need to get him there. Tell him that you'll stay only if he goes to get help. That might be a counselor, a psychologist, a priest, minister, or someone like that, but HE HAS TO GO SEE THEM. And that means that you might have to drive him there, take him to the door, and make sure that he goes into the session.

Lay down the law on him. If he doesn't want to be a loser, he has to get up and show some ambition.

Answer 10

he sounds like manipulative person..
I'd just leave him. you should never waste a single day of your life with a man( he's not even a man btw) who doesnt appreciate you.. and if he's not strong enough to be a man..then he might be better off just killing himself.
hes saying that to using ur nurturing nature as many men do..
and you should not feel guilty. people need wake up calls and some need Harsh wake up calls. perhaps its time he is really faced with challenge and has to force himself to go out and do something with his life.
leave him and do not believe a word he says..
you even said to yourself that there was no intimacy in the relationship.
there are plenty of real "men" and sounds like ur a type of woman who deserve one.