Sonnet: When We're Together (Comments welcome. Please let me know what you think)?

Question

Well I rarely write in traditional forms. I saw a question last night asking for help on a love sonnet, and I realized that I'd never written one before. Here is my first attempt. I think it's my second sonnet overall. Comments? Suggestions?

When We’re Together

We live with these subtle redundancies,
What we touch we hurry to touch again.
We overlook these inconsistencies,
What we feel we struggle to still contain.
The days have not diminished us at all
Left with a craving barely satisfied,
Drives us to our knees as we do crawl,
Each taste and tremble fully codified.
Yet in these moments something new remains,
The sky still shatters stars fall raining down,
Rivulets mark the night with sweet refrains,
We melt into each other start to drown.
For do I truly end and you begin?
Each nudge ignites the tinder, smoke does wreathe.
It seems as though we’re trapped within this skin
For if I pull away will I still breathe.
To separate brings such a heavy toll
When we are torn apart so less than whole.

Scotty: I just commented on someone else's early morning posting--this is mine. LOL. I just kept writing sonnets do need 14. Sorry about that

Scotty: Exactly the type of comments I was looking for thank you. So, I will kill a stanza fix those lines and repost. Thank you so much.

Scotty: I ran this through a syllable counter to check and it is saying 10 on that one line. Though I agree with you that "our" doesn't sound like a two-syllable word to me.

Answer 1

It's good verse, but I always thought a sonnet had to have 14 -- and only 14 -- lines, in the format A-B-A-B C-D-C-D E-F-E-F G-G.

A sonnet is generally iambic pentameter. That not only means ten syllables each line, but five "pairs" of syllables on each line, where the second syllable has the emphasis.

Let's look at the first line of your verse:

"We live" "with these" "re-dun" "dan-cies" all work well with Iambic Pentameter. "Subtle" doesn't so much, where you placed it, because the emphasis is on the first syllable.

I'm not trying to be over-critiquing, although I'm sure it will be viewed that way. I'm just trying to see if you can take your original concept and craft it further.

Maybe "We live with these profound redundancies"
or "We live with these complex redundancies,"
or "We live within our deep redundancies"

Also, there's one line: "Drives us to our knees as we do crawl," which appears to only contain nine syllables. :)

However, I love the concept of the poem. The sentiment is sincere, and one I've found to be very true with the one I love.

Well...you DID ask for comments. :)

Answer 2

Todd, I like much of what I see here. From a logical standpoint I fought the phrase "something new remains," but on thinking about it, I think it is a strong statement. Originality in language helps make a usually hackneyed subject area feel fresh here, so I applaud that. There are a few punctuation issues. The first and third lines should end in semicolons, and the 12th should end in a question mark. Some in-line punctuation would help as well, such as a comma in line eight after "other." Also, two lines jump out as having clunker words that seem forced in to make the 10-line syllable count. In line 4, "still" is awkward; you may do better from a flow standpoint to begin the line with "as" and omit "still" (in which case the semicolon ending line three would need to revert to being a comma). Also, "smoke does wreathe" in line 10 is a little clumsy. Here there is a syllable count and a rhyme issue to take into account, of course, but something along the lines of "Nudges ignite the tinder, the smoke wreathe" might preserve both rhyme and syllables without the "does" throwing off the rhythm. Play with it, as you may develop something better than my replacement line. The danger with any formal poetry is getting too tied up with the form to focus on the poetry, the language and nuance that make a poem come alive. You have done well with this for the most part; a little tweaking such as what I described would make it even better. Nice work!

Answer 3

Shucks. Ah laked hit.
Since I have never tried a sonnet, I don't have room to criticise, but I do have a syllable count comment. Not knowing your location, I will give you a southerners concept. In the south ten is a two syllable word, pronounced teyun. Same with tharee and fower and faeve and siyux and aieet. So when it comes to counting syllables, you have to know where a person is located and how they speak. Just though I throw ya a giggle or two, I think you did well, and I didn't notice the line count, or the syllable count, I was just enjoying what you were saying.
Peace

exit dondi, trapdoor stage center, slowly sinking, singing "St. James Infirmary"

Answer 4

I cannot add more to what Scotty has said. But, I wanted to tell you that I really like it.