We have a 4 year old son and my husband has been working out of the country for the last 2 months. He called me 2 weeks ago and told me over the phone. I went to the country where he is working and found out that he has already had papers drawn up waiting for me to sign. I am so hurt and angry, but I do not want to drag this out if he really does not want to be married anymore. He is offering me a very generous settlement, but I really just want to keep my family together. Does anyone have advice?
2007-09-12 03:12:48 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband found the perfect excuse to use to justify what he is really up to. I myself was sexually abused as a child and i have read many books on the subject and not one book tells of a husband leaving a wife over that. My husband was very patient with me as most are if they love you. Your husband has himself a girlfriend and that is the reason why he is doing this to you the snake.I know you don't want to believe that i didn't believe myself even when i was told he was. I ask and he said no he wasn't and that was good enough for me. Well my husband did leave me for another woman i didn't know that was the real reason he left at the time he said he didn't want our marriage to get any worse then it already was isn't that funny because i didn't know are marriage was bad he kept that little detail to himself. We did get back together and that was when i fount out about her,she planted little things in his clothes like when i turned one of his shirts right side in a pair of thongs fell to the floor. It was the only shirt out of many that was turned inside out. I hope the two of you get back together maybe he will come to his senses and see what he is about to do is wrong for him and you and your little boy.
2007-09-12 03:37:11 · answer #1 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I also was an abuse victim. I got out from under it. So can you.
Consider this, while you are trying to deal with what happened to you, I suspect that you may not have even gone for help counselling wise. This must be addressed by you for you. If your husband has decided to divorce you and even drawn up the papers then get out now and accept the settlement. I know you will get help and make a new life for yourself after you get the help you need.
Whilst you remain under the cloud of what was done as a child that person is still in control of you. Cut the string and move on and live your life for your son it has nothing to do with him. Strikes me you have been living on your own anyway if he has been out of the country for 2 months.
Don't be hurt and angry becuase he has made up his mind as I assume he did this a while ago but carried on as normal until he could tell you after the event!? Do you want to be with a man who can do this to you?
Believe me you can do it, I did and I had 2 children and no home or settlement what so ever. You have to work at some stage but no harm there you will meet other people.
Please get the councilling via your doctor and live your life you only come this way once - so get going.
Plan your life as from now....
Carole
2007-09-12 08:45:58 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is it that he cannot deal with? I am not sure I understand. I have five friends who have all been sexually abused as children and they are no more difficult to live with than anyone else. The issues of abuse might be slightly different from other kinds of issues raised in a marriage but in reality, the impact is no more or less than anything else people have suffered growing up/living e.g. insecurity, being awful with money, violent families and so on. Is the abuse being used as an excuse by both of you? It could be that your husband working away from home is more of a problem than anything else. He probably enjoys the lack of day to day responsibility e.g. having a child. I think you need to talk to him again and if possible, ask for another chance to make this marriage work. Perhaps you could think about him changing jobs or you moving to where he works? If you want a family to stay together, they have to live together. Very few people find it easy when partners work away. Having the divorce papers already drawn up? Its odd actually. are you sure that he hasn't met someone else? Sorry but its just not standard divorce procedure!! It seems rather cruel and harsh of him.
2007-09-12 09:51:27 · answer #3 · answered by AUNTY EM 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, it sounds like he's already made his mind up. Try and go for a meal with him to see if you can resolve things in a relaxed environment. If he's determined to go through with the divorce, you have little choice but to carry on without him - for the sake of your son, as well as your own sanity! Sometimes when a relationship is breaking down - the worst thing that can happen is that the two parties seperate. Once one of the people involved realise that they can cope quite well without the other - they don't want to go back. What a coward - telling you whilst he's in another country! Look on the bright side - your son won't grow up looking at someone like that as a role model. You'll find someone else, eventually, but perhaps some time by yourself, just you and your son, would be good initially. Your son will not understand right now, but will soon get over it - and will grow up with similiar feelings towards his dad as you have. Best of luck.
2007-09-12 03:45:50 · answer #4 · answered by manno 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sweetie don't sign the papers until you have got a lawyer to look at them, you have just found out your husband wants a divorce and are probably still in shock so waiting a bit won't hurt.did he tell you why he wanted a divorce? if not then ask him why, but to be quite honest if your husband doesn't want to be married any more then i doubt you will be able to change his mind you have every right to be angry as your husband has made the disision without consulting you, make sure you sort out your sons custody and hopefully your husband will keep him out of this , i feel your husband is taking the cowards way out if he is using your past abuse as an excuse if he was any sort of man he would love and suport you through this, i'm sure if your marraige can't be fixed then there will be someone out there who will except you for who you are the good and the bad, I'm soory you are hurting and if i could take away your pain i would, but you deserve to be treated better than your husband is treating you at the monent. best of luck with your situation and i hope your pain eases soon.
2007-09-12 03:39:17 · answer #5 · answered by fruitcake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why does the sexual abuse mean that your husband must divorce you? The reason would be that he cannot deal with the repercussions of that abuse - that you show to him in your relationship with him in the marriage. Those are things you can deal with in sessions with a good competent therapist. Have you been doing that currently or is the marriage supposed to fix your past? Remember, I said 'currently' - it's not enough to say, 'I went to therapy.'
You can't keep your family together just by having a great desire to keep your family together. You have to work out your problems and although it is difficult, it's not optional. It's required.
If you are currently in therapy, I think that the therapist might suggest that there is plenty wrong with a husband who is away for 2 months at a time - the issue may not be just you, but also him. In that case, you have a lot more to deal with than just what you said in your question.
2007-09-12 03:25:01 · answer #6 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Has this reall got anything to do with the abuse! He probably knew the situation when he got with you, and married you knowing the score. To be honest, this sounds to me like an excuse!
Is he with someone else - if so, this could be why he is offering such a generous settlement - if he is at fault for the relationship breakdown he could be forced to pay much more. Maybe it would be worth looking into a private detective to check this out.
Ultimately you have to try and keep some control over proceedings.
You cant make someone stay with you if they have fallen out of love with you - but if he does love you still, maybe you could suggest going to see a councillor together.
If it does have to come down to a divorce, seek legal advice before signing anything!
2007-09-14 05:29:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First and foremost before signing ANYthing consult a lawyer. If you've just found out he wants a divorce then you'lre probalby in no emotional position to evaulate the settlement properly.
If what you want is to keep the family together then suggest family counselling - go to your local church, temple, mosque whatever for help. Or, if you're not religiously inclined look up a therapist and try to sort out the issues and see if you can work together to fix what's wrong with the marriage.
Good luck!
2007-09-12 03:21:02 · answer #8 · answered by Durga sings the classics 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear about you being sexually abused as it must have had devastating effects on you. First of all, I would advise you to get professional help for this. You probably have went about every day life trying to push the abuse way day as if it did not happen. The effects as you have seen has resulted in the breakup of your marriage. This is just one more way you have had to pay for someone else abusing you. Try and ask your husband if he would be willing to hold off on the divorce papers if you agree to go for counselling or therapy regarding the issues of the abuse. If he is not willing to give this time for you, then you have no other choice but to go along with the divorce. It would be to your best interest to have a divorce lawyer of your own or a paralegal to review the divorce papers before you sign them. I wish this was not happening to you and my heart goes out to you. But you have to know that you alone are responsible for your wellness of health and mind. Please get the help you need so that you can overcome your past and be able to move on to a more happy, healthier life. Best of luck to you!
2007-09-12 03:39:33 · answer #9 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm really sorry to hear. it seems you're in pain over this, and well, i can't blame you.
Hon if you haven't gotten HELP for your past sexual abuse issues, it's never too late to get some. I had the same situation and i have been in therapy for help. It takes some time to realize it wasnt our faults, and that our abusers were SICK individuals... and to learn how to cope and to move forward (a baby step at the time, in some cases). I realize what kind of emotional scars this type of experiences leaves on us... and i hope you will consider making an effort to get the help you need and deserve!
About your husband wanting a divorce -- sometimes we have to accept situations and others for what they are and what they want. In this case, your husband seems rather self-involved and intolerant. He apparently hasn't stepped back and thought about getting you some good help at all, either.
Maybe you'd be better of without him in the long run, even though it's very difficult for you right now.
Please take care of YOU... sending hugs.
2007-09-12 03:22:13 · answer #10 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋