My friends and I went out together this weekend. My ex was in town, so I invited him to come to a club with us. He tried to kiss me, but I turned away and he got my ear instead. After that, the night was over. I sent him a text the next day that said "thanks for coming out". He replied "thanks for tasting so good". He always said dumb stuff like that, so I thought nothing of it.
My fiancee saw the text and went into convulsions, and called my ex. To make a long story short, my ex lied and told him we were kissing repeatedly and that he still has strong feelings for me. I never kissed him and have no feelings for him! I only invited him out cuz i figure, im getting married next month, which means I have to cut all ties with my ex's (I'm usually cordial with all my ex's).
Now, my fiancee is very distant, and acts like I cheated on him. I can understand how he would be upset, but if he loved me he would believe me. Neither one of us knows if this wedding is gonna happen now.
2007-09-12 02:34:28 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes, I went out with my ex (and other people) when I knew he wouldn't be cool with it, but I think he is overreacting waaaayy too much. Whenever we finalize wedding plans, he says "if everything works out." Yet, he got mad when I didn't wear my engagement ring one day because his distance hurt so much.
If this is going to break us up after 4 years, as much as it hurts, maybe we shouldn't be together anyway?
2007-09-12 02:35:36 · update #1
Before you do anything else, you need to reserve a day to sit down with yourself and think about why you decided to go out with the ex. The reasons you offered are not persuasive to me. I would think you would need to examine your motivations. Your ex has correctly interpreted what happened as meaning much more than you have admitted. You have to convince him that this "date" is not an indication that you will be unfaithful after you're married.
After you do that, it's time to have a meeting. The agenda should be:
1. A frank explanation and a convincing commitment that you will not be unfaithful to him.
2. Within three days, you two will decide whether or not you will be married. If you can't, cancel the wedding.
3. You should apologize for going out with the ex. And you should ask to be truly forgiven before marriage plans proceed.
4. A statement from him that he accepts your commitment and that neither of you will ever bring it up again. If he cannot make that commitment, the wedding is put off until you both can.
It is necessary now that you show strength -- despite the fact that you did wrong. You can't allow your future husband to keep using this to dominate. So, you need to confront the situation -- and live with the consequences. If you do it now, it will hurt less than if you do it after you're married.
2007-09-12 03:11:56 · answer #1 · answered by jackbutler5555 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are truthful. So there's hope! -At least you admit you messed up. You should not have asked your ex out.
Jeez... what if he asked his ex out? My goodness. Wouldn't it mess with your trust of him had the tables been turned? Put yourself in his shoes.
He is not omnipotent, he doesn't know if everything was as innocent as you claim. Then he sees these txts! Ouch. You are kidding yourself if you think he should dismiss this.. it may be impossible.
Trust is a funny thing... it's either there, or its not, and neither party has much say in that. It's an intrinsic feeling, again, it's either there or its not. Loosing trust in someone is a difficult thing, because you can't just make it appear.
So don't blame him if he's acting funny. Loosing trust in someone you love sucks really, really hard. Also, think about the message you are sending by taking off that ring. You are sending the guy all kinds of strange signals.
You may be frustrated, but he's got to be hurting. It's time to be honest with yourself, and with him. Tell him you respect him, and then admit that you disrespected him. Tell him you feel like you messed up. Ask him to forgive you. Admit you were wrong. Reassure him it was innocent. Tell him you love him, miss him, and can't wait until he feels better, and comes back from the distance.
Don't be cordial, or anything with your ex's. Leave them in the past where they belong. It is a great insult to a man to expect him to share his wife with another man in any capacity. Show him you respect him, and give him the respect he deserves.
And Keep that ring on, its a symbol of you two -show it the respect it deserves.
Truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures.
2007-09-12 03:11:24 · answer #2 · answered by blujello 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most women I know take marriage like its the most precious thing and therefore care tremendously about. If you are going to shrug off the situation that has happened and tell your fiancee he is overreacting, then I don't think you understand the implications of marriage. I know you think divorce is always there as an option, but he may not think so. He may think that this is the most important decision of his life, and will direct his happiness or lack thereof until he hits the grave. Take the situation and give it more importance. Face him directly and after evaluating all the possible mistakes you have made (example: texting someone "thanks for coming out" when you shouldn't be happy with what he did...essentially you're telling your ex that it was ok for him to do that and that NO!!! you are NOT cutting off ties (are you crazy?!?!?) you should humbly apologize to him and show him where you went wrong. Maybe if you come clean, THEN he may start believing you. Until then this marriage thing is in the air, no doubt.
2007-09-12 02:47:06 · answer #3 · answered by mulderlx 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Play in fire you get burnt. You asked your X on a date and your man is not to be up set. this was a date even if you had Friends there. You even text him the next day! Thanked him for going out with you !What a tramp and every other nasty word you could be called. You say you did not cheat on your fiancee! You do not love this man. If you did you would have never seen or text your X. I think you better call of the wedding because you are not ready to Wed. THIS IS A GOOD MAN. Dose not need some in his life like YOU!! Let this good man go. You are Ever nasty name that could be called in the book You are not wearing you engagement ring. Can I say your a tramp.
2007-09-12 03:05:07 · answer #4 · answered by tadm 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
By asking your ex to go with you and your friends to the club, you were showing you weren't ready to commit. That was a dumb thing to do, and now your fiancee doesn't trust you. Well, what do you expect!!! You hurt him. Now he is confused about you and puts some distance between you two. You need to take your relationship with him seriously and start acting like a woman who is getting married soon, instead of a woman who thinks it's cool to hang out with the ex. Get your priorities straight and ask yourself how much your fiancee means to you. Right now he's thinking he's not first on your list. He has a right to feel hurt.
2007-09-12 02:46:17 · answer #5 · answered by The pink panther 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I am friends with one of my ex's and my husband never quite understood until he met him and got to know him- but if my husband ever suggested I not speak to my ex, or if he felt the least bit uncomfortable about it, I would not touch base time to time. My situation is slightly different with my ex only because we grew up together and were more like best friends than dating- his dad had the same disease my mother has and recently passed- so we have a great deal in common, and when I have issues with my mother or father I can turn to him because he has known them all of my life and also knows how to deal with certain issues since he has been there with his own father.
You going behind your mans back like this is some what betrayel, the best way to visualize his point of view is to imagine him out with his friends and his ex girlfriends-
Would be okay with that? If he lied or if his ex informed you that they kissed and she still loves him, would you be okay with that? I don't think so.
Marriage cannot come together and stay together without the trust. If there is lack of trust, you may has well close the book on this chapter. You both need to meet halfway, marriage is a partnership not a head game. Right now he see's this as a head game and the only way to clear up the negative thoughts he now has is to prove to him somehow that you are his only. If this were me, I would take him to your ex and confront this head on until the ex admits that he was lying and you were NOT the liar in this situation- Your ex cannot be trusted, he lies- making you look like a liar, to me this wasn't worth it.
2007-09-12 02:46:10 · answer #6 · answered by brandy2007 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you guys should definitely postpone the wedding. You have a lot of trust issues you both need to work on. He sounds like the jealous type. You feel like you have to cut ties with all of your exes (most of ours were AT our wedding) and sneak around behind his back to see your ex. First, there's nothing wrong with you seeing an ex who's in town, now or after you're married. There is, however, something wrong with him trying to kiss you, and you ignoring his advance -- twice -- was wrong. You should have responded by telling your ex that you didn't appreciate him treating you and your fiancee with so little respect, and that if he did it again you'd slap him upside his head.
Also, why is your fiance reading your text messages? It sounds like he doesn't trust you, and that he found what he was looking for to prove that you're a lying, cheating slut. Did he have a reason to doubt your fidelity before this episode? Lastly, he should have come to you to talk about it instead of calling your ex for an explanation. You should tell him this.
I think you both need to do some growing up and learn to communicate better. I strongly recommend that you seek premarital counseling so that you can learn to deal with these issues instead of pretending they're not there. Marriage will not make them go away, it will just make it more important that you get them resolved.
2007-09-12 02:48:27 · answer #7 · answered by Judgie C 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I think the fact that your ex tried to kiss you and you texted him the next day as if there was nothing wrong is a good indication that your committment level isn't there and maybe you shouldnt be getting married. If it had only been that he tried and you turned away, that would have been fine, but why weren't you appalled by this, and why did you try to contact him afterward? Sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Its no wonder your ex is distant, wouldn't you be if the situation were reversed?
2007-09-12 02:41:09 · answer #8 · answered by Kristi 5 · 8⤊ 0⤋
You know anymore its kind of hard to just be friends or go out and do things with ex's and still be trusted especially with all of the shows on tv anymore that play the cheating angle and the confrontations. Guess you should try to get the other people with you to tell him what really went on and either he will forgive you or not. If you cant get past this issue then your right you and he should not be together because the next time some situation happens it will be all an issue again.
2007-09-12 02:38:56 · answer #9 · answered by Jason 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Its a matter of trust and dealing with the male ego. Girl you were dirty and wrong for getting up with an ex like that, especially when you knew it would hurt your hubby to be.
You definitely need to work this out before the wedding and if it can't be resolved then postpone the wedding or call it off all together, because this will definitely be a hindrance for progression in your relationship for awhile to come.
2007-09-12 02:41:04 · answer #10 · answered by That NC Girl 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋