There are too many days in this blessed curse,
In this life that I call mine.
And I don't know what hurts the worst,
My failure or essence of time.
Calm yet tragic, true destiny spoken,
In this tomb in which I grieve.
Strange as it is, my senses awoken in
The passion in that, that I leave.
2007-09-12 01:56:59 · 8 answers · asked by ~the unforgiven~ 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Oops...sorry. I did just read over it and realized that I have grammar problems. I must have still been asleep...lol.
2007-09-12 02:29:38 · update #1
Despite your admitted grammar problems (I've written half-asleep as well-lol). You have good content and a nice sense of rhythm. You seem to be moving in the right direction with this.
2007-09-12 03:23:58 · answer #1 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, but it needs some editing...I'd split the first line between "days" and "in" to make it two lines rather than one. I'd also drop the "And I" and the "the", and change the "what" to a "which" from the third line and make "worst" "worse", then use a colon instead of a period after "worse". The line would read, "Don't know which hurts worse:".
The next line, I'd use a comma after "failure", not because of grammar, but it needs a slight pause there, and I'd say "or the essence of time". The same goes for the next line: use a comma after "calm", and a semi-colon after "tragic" and no comma after "spoken" since you're enjambing it into the next line. The second to last line: you need to change "awoken" to "awaken" if you're going to leave that and the next line in the present tense, or change it to "awoke" and drop the "in". The last line: I'd change the second "that" to "which" and drop the comma.
Not a bad poem actually...keep writing
2007-09-12 09:21:23 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love...it, but it's kinda sad, depressing, that combined with maggot chic tells me you are either lonely and sad or a goth...but the poem is beautiful
2007-09-12 09:05:27 · answer #3 · answered by ccstangfan2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like it. Especially how it's laid out. You should really try to get some of your work published...it has a really nice style.
2007-09-13 05:52:57 · answer #4 · answered by Tisha 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its nice got a message but i dont wanna say what i tj=hink it is might be wrong:P
2007-09-12 10:43:32 · answer #5 · answered by ciandri z 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
grammer aside, an enviable poetic style. keep it up.
2007-09-12 10:44:59 · answer #6 · answered by TOO HOT 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
mmm
2007-09-12 09:00:35 · answer #7 · answered by JESTER 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. you Rock!
2007-09-12 09:05:20 · answer #8 · answered by Randall 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋