revised poem?

Question

i'll wait.

as I walk slowly,
though the depths of darkness,
emptiness and loneliness,
was felt within me.

continuing to walk,
I reminisce the times,
we held each other,
with our sweet embrace.

clear, salty water,
rushed down my face,
as a picture of you,
flashed through my mind.

you're long gone and I see that,
I understand that,
but my heart still refuses,
to find acceptance.

"Move on" is what my mind says,
"Accept it and walk forward",
But my heart keeps refusing,
Keeps on saying "I'll wait".

Going deeper into darkness,
my mind running in circles,
emotions running wild,
I need you, I miss you.

"Useless, impossible",
how I hate those thoughts,
just name it, anything I'll do,
cut myself?- I'll do it for you.

Crimson red blood,
Flowed out my wrist,
I need to be with you,
I'm sorry, I love you.

my eyes are now heavy,
white lights are all I see,
Goodnight forever?
Or is it just me?

I woke up from my slumber,
and gazed at the night sky,
I'll wait for you,
I promise I'll do..

Answer 1

A dark, abysmal piece, but altogether not bad. Here are some suggestions to make it flow better.

Change the title to "I'll wait"...the lower case "i" is incorrect, and although one could make a case for using it in a poem of such self-deprication, you use it correctly everywhere else.

Capitalize at least the first line of each stanza. If you're not going to follow normal grammar or poetic form for capitalization, at least do so at the beginning of each stanza. Also, you don't need commas at the end of each line unless the phrase calls for one. A line break provides enough of a pause and the commas get in the way of enjambing lines. I used to make the same mistake when I started out, so join the club :)

The last line of the first stanza is weak...it's passive voice, past tense (which is incorrect in this instance) and tells rather than shows...try, "dwell within me".

First line of second stanza. Again, weak line. Don't "tell", "show". Say something about where you're walking, how you're walking, why you're walking...don't give a blow by blow description of what you're doing. Say perhaps, "walking down life's lonely road", "walking through life alone" or "walking down life's corridor", something like that. The last line in that stanza could be improved by reversing the phrase...try, "Such a sweet embrace". Why? because the previous line can stand alone and you need a parallel thought there instead of a continuation.

Third stanza: revise the first line...too cliche...also, you use the past tense when you've been using present tense up to now...change that. I see the image you want to convey, but you need to revise those first two lines...maybe,

Cold, clear tears
line down my face
as a picture of you
flashes through my mind

Next stanza: drop "and" and use a semi-colon instead. Next, drop the word "still", it's implied and therefore superfluous.

Next stanza: drop "is what"...again, superfluous. Second line, change "walk" to "move"...walk is becoming overused. Next two lines...recommend revise so they read like this:

But my heart refuses,
saying "I'll wait...I'll wait."

This puts it in the present tense and improves the flow and "shows" the stubborness of the heart.

Next stanza: drop "Going"..."deeper into..." implies that you're going, so it shows instead of tells...and that's what you want. Same goes for "my" in the next line...it's implied, therefore unnecessary. Also, it better mirrors the line to come and becomes a sequence that would otherwise be awkward.

Next stanza, third and fourth lines: awkward phrasing...try:

name it, I'll do it
cut myself? I'd do it for you

See where the "I'll" works in the first line, but you need "I'd" in the second? That's because you're stating that you "would" do it if asked, rather than you "will" do it, because it has yet to be asked...using "I'd" resolves the disagreement.

Next stanza: saying "crimson red" is like saying "little small"...they're the same thing...and crimson implies the color of blood, so it's a double double boo-boo. If you want to use the word crimson, say, "Thick crimson lines" or "dark crimson lines"...the reader will understand that it's blood you're referring to...and don't use "flowed out"...use "flows from"...again, present tense, not past tense. Also, are you sorry that you love this person, or are you sorry...you love them? If you use only a comma instead of a period, semi-colon or ellipsis, you may be impliying that you're sorry you love them.

Next line: you're telling again...say, "eyes heavy now" "white lights all I see"

Next line: past tense error again. Say, "I wake up from my slumber" " and gaze at the still-dark sky"...saying "still-dark" instead of night shows that it's night without saying "night"...it "shows" that it's night without telling that it's night...see the difference? It may seem subtle, but these differences are additive. The last line...you're implying the statement "I'll do anything you ask"...but the title of the poem is "I'll wait"...so perhaps you could echo the second to last line by saying, "I promise, I'll wait"...just a thought.

Try the edits I've suggested and have someone read it for you. I think you'll be surprised how much of a difference these minor changes will make. This is why most poems benefit from editing.

good poem, dark yes, but good nonetheless...keep writing.

Answer 2

Some might call that a dream sequence, I'd probably be more inclined to say nightmare. Well put together, the reader can feel the anguish, and wants to scream Noooooo. well done.


Exit Dondi, stage right, singing "When the roll is called up yonder"

Answer 3

nice