Serious answers only!?

Question

I'm over one year out of a abusive relationship. It sucked the life out of me. I loved my husband more that anything in this world. He was convicted of a felony for that abuse. I used to be the type of person that could turn heads when I walked in a room but now I don't seem to be the same person. I'm not sure how to get that back. I don't want all of the person I used to be back. I am much more timid and not so tough as I used to be. I would like to find someone to atleast be friends with. Does anyone have any advise for me?

Answer 1

I bet you come from a very domineering family like your dad and if that is the case it would make sense to why you would attract possessive men and put up with it for as long as you did. In the beginning of your relationship I bet you thought it was his way of showing you just how much he loved you and you would believe him every time he said he loved you and that he was sorry and it would never happen again. You forgot to mention his cheating on you or don't you believed he did,he did all right that is part of an abusive personality. You say you turned heads when walking in a room,did you find your husband in a bar because that is where they hang out.I was so much like you I had the abusive husband and father and found my husband in a bar and i to did turn heads . It took me two years to see that i was married to an ahole. He to went to jail but not for the samething as your ex. I was beaten down after that but i just wouldn't let go of myself so i went out and got a new look for myself,you be surprised what a new hair cut will do for you it made me feel like a whole new different person inside and out. I started to go out with friends i grew up with and 1 year later i had a boyfriend. 18 months later we were married and i had a son by him. My husband spoils me rotten and i love it,we have been happily married for 28 years now. Don't get me wrong we had our share of ups and downs but only about normal marriage things like finances and our son staying out late thing like that. I was very lucky because i did find a very good man and you can to,and there is nothing wrong with looking good and turning heads just be very careful because there are a lot of abusive men out there that prey on women like us. Good luck with yourlife you will be fine. Go out and find that one thing that will bring out the new you it's there you just need to find it like i did.

Answer 2

I am so sorry you went through that and you should realize how tough you actually are for recognizing the abuse and getting away. That takes so much strength.
I am really bad with words, but I hope I can convey this next part properly!!!!
By looking back in the past you are not promoting healthy growth nor looking towards the future. The person that you once were is gone thanks to experiences and lessons that have changed you. I recommend you take some time to really think about what you want in life and start moving towards those goals.
Your id is created by your environment so put yourself in a position where you can grow positively and in a direction that makes you happy. Don't try to force "a whole new you" on yourself because it just won't happen.
It sounds like you need some emotional support to take these steps toward healthy growth and I recommend finding counselor/life coach (not a therapist) who can talk with you on how to take these steps. Normally I would recommend a friend or family member, but this can lead to an emotional dependence (where you constantly need them to hold your hand as you move forward) where as a counselor/life coach can show you how to do these things on your own which will (I promise!) give you so much more joy in the end.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you have come this far- don't let yourself keep you from moving forward by living in the past.

Answer 3

You just got out of an abusive relationship so you need to do it day by day , dont go looking for a new relationship or you'll just end up back in the same situation but with a new abuser , get a journal and write down your emotions so you can work through them and find a hobby , art classes , dance , get into a theatre group (you said you used to turn heads might as well make some cash out of it while your doing it ).

Good luck.

Answer 4

Your best bet is to find a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help you put the pieces back together, and give you some direction for growth.
It took you a lifetime to get to the point of taking up with someone who treated you like trash, and made you believe that you really were. You're not going to retrain your mind in a short time without help from an expert.

If you can't afford a therapist, scout out a minister with good credentials in counseling, and a good reputation, or maybe a retired therapist who would be willing to take you on pro bono.
I think you are right; you are not the person you were, but I'm almost positive that you aren't the person that you think you really are. She's hidden deep inside, and just needs help getting out!
Good luck; I'm so glad the jerk is in jail! Now he knows what "control" feels like!

Answer 5

What you need to get back is your self esteem. You just can't believe you got into a bad marriage and now you question your ability to make a good decision. Take baby steps. Join a nice club, take a class on Saturday morning at Home Depot, join a church (or be active in your church), volunteer somewhere, go get a makeover, get a new hairstyle, begin doing things for just you. Clean out out a closet and have a garage sale. Make plans to go on a nice vacation. Maybe you have a girl friend at work and you can plan a beach vacation next year. Begin taking small steps. As you get back to your old self, you will be fine. Remind yourself that you are strong or you would still be in the marriage taking the abuse. Some women don't have the strength to leave. You did. Good luck.

Answer 6

Congrats on your strong heart and sense of courage and self. That is so so so important in order to walk away from an abusive relationship and you had the "guts" to walk out on the hardships and strife...

Try some therapy or counseling. Or you can help yourself by taking self- defense classes. My aunt was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and after her husband was arrested, she immediately went to a therapy session with numerous other people, for support and comfort that they too have been in her situation. She has been abusive free for 2 years. She also took some self-defense classes, to regain her self confidence after her horrible relationship. It helped her a lot, especially all that you learn in the classes.

Try looking for volunteer jobs at service centers too. It will get your mind off of the abuse you were going through and meeting new people, lifelong friends, etc. are always fun too! Also, if you like working with kids, you can volunteer at a day-care center and watch after them. It feels so good when you are benefiting yourself while helping others. It regains not only confidence, but also inner strength too!

Hope this helps, and good luck. I know you can acheive ANYTHING if you put your mind to it :)

Answer 7

Hey,

First of all congratulations on taking control of your life, and evaluating what is working and not working for you.

I think that the first thing you should be thinking about is becoming friends with yourself. Take out some paper and start writing about your hopes and dreams, the things you enjoy doing or think you would enjoy but have never tried (cooking classes, taking some evening classes, running a marathon, swimming, art, music, volunteering, etc) anything that YOU would enjoy doing, and then...start doing them! You'll start enjoying your own company, which will attract postive people into your life.

Also, in addition to the above, have you attended any support groups? Talking to people who are going through the same things you are may be helpful to you.

Good luck to you and God bless you!

Answer 8

You have been through a rough time in your life, and you shouldnt expect things to be exactly the way they were. This person you were with took alot out of you. You can be a strong person again but you just need some time. I think it would be good to go talk to someone. (professional) Be patient with yourself. Dont get frustrated if you cant make friends right away. Everyone goes through hard times in life and it takes work to get your strength back. Take it one day at a time. TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST, BEFORE ANYTHING!!! I wish you all the best.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry you were in this situation, but I'm very glad you're out of it!

You don't say how long the relationship was, but what does matter is the fact that it sucked the life out of you.

Be patient with yourself. You still are the person to turn heads, she just needs time to remember it's OK to come out. It will all come about in it's own time. You can't rush it.

When you start feeling the worst, remember that brave, strong woman that had the courage to stand up to the abuser and get justice for it. That, my dear, is very powerful. I'm proud of you.

Have you gone to counseling? If you haven't, I highly recommend it. It helped me tremendously.

Good luck!

Answer 10

He may have tried to destroy you but he didn't. You're still here, thank God. You will be more than okay, but it will take time. In the meantime, pray and do some soul searching. Go on a retreat, read self-help books. Tell yourself what a wonderful person you are and how lucky you are that you got out. You are a good person and did not deserve to be abused. He is the one with the problem, not you. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!! Hang in there, be positive and God bless you.