Should I tell my ex when our baby is born? or just let it be?

Question

My bf (of 2 years) and I broke up in July. He told me when I was 6 1/2 mos preggo that he wasn't ready and stormed out when I wouldn't "take care" of the situation. He is a selfish, immature, abusive, lying sob and yes, I should have dumped him a long time ago, but stupid me let my feelings get in the way. He has not tried to contact me for well over a month. I absolutely hate him for abandoning me, when he wanted this baby for a long time. I have no family here, but great friend support, great job, I'm 34 healthy and independent. I'm also going to a therapist b/c he messed me up bad. I've thought about telling him when our son is born and then I'm like "no way". I don't even know if I want to waste my time w/child support as he never paid for anything when we were together. It's hard for me to do everything on my own, but I'm getting thru this. As much as I loved him, I will never forget or forgive him. I thought about calling his family after the birth b/c they don't know either.

I'm angry that he feels he can just walk away, yet I don't think I can trust him if he wanted to have a r/s with the baby. He's got a real shady past and I'm not sure if I should pursue the child support, yet I feel he should be somewhat responsible. He's going to do this to someone else to.

Answer 1

This guy is a real scum bag and doesn't deserve to have a relationship with his child. He chose to leave you and your unborn child for his own selfish reasons. He's not ready?! Maybe he should have thought about that before he had sex with you and got you pregnant. You're doing yourself and your child a huge favor if you decide to exclude him from the birth of your baby. Why should he get to enjoy something that he walked away from and left you to deal with all by yourself? I hope you do go through with getting child support from him, it's the absolute least he can do for you. Remember, it takes two to make a baby and his part in this is just as big as yours is. He has every obligation to help you to provide for this child weather hes a part of it's life or not. As for his family, it's not their fault he left you, so I don't see why keeping your baby from them would make this situation any better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck!!

Answer 2

Are you kidding? You both are acting immature. Whatever he did is between you and him, why does your baby have to suffer. It didn't ask to be brought into a world of an angry mother absent father who are going to be fighting. So he doesn't want to be with you and he gave you an std, why is the baby going to be used as a pawn to get your way. Every child needs a mother and father when it is possible. He should have a chance at being a father to this child. No matter what when it gets proven it is his he will have to pay child support. Love this child no matter what. If he doesn't want to be a father to the baby after it is born you can't force him but at least your child will know you tried. Don't let your child grow up thinking it is his fault and that it was because of you that he doesn't have a father, that just makes an angry child that will become an angry adult. It is your job as his mother to give him the best possible life. I know this guy lied to you and cheated and maybe other things but don't use your child as a way to get back at him.You don't have to have him in your life just your child. You have to be more mature than that, and all the anger isn't good for the baby now. Just show him you are a better person than that, and that you are going to be a good mom. Maybe he did you a favor by leaving you, it gives you a chance to meet a real man, and possibly a real father figure. Just don't use this innocent child. He didn't ask for this. Stop thinking with a hurting heart and start thinking with a clear head.

Answer 3

Right now you may think that since he walked out on you and the baby that he gave up all right to know when the child is born. I truth is he has every right to know. When your child gets older he'll want to know his dad. Trust me on this. We just went through the same situation with my neice about a year ago. Even if you can not get in touch with him, make an attempt (very tiny) to contact someone in his family who might tell him for you. If you think he might cause you some sort of trouble,or harm you or the baby, talk to a lawyer about limiting any visitation he gets. If it gets that far. Chances are even if you put him on child support he wont pay it. But you owe it to your child to get him all the financial support that you can. If he is a bum, maybe he'll do the right thing and stay away. That way it comes back on him and not you. When your child gets older and wants to know why he never had a relationship with his "father" then it will be on him to explain how he took the coward way out. I'll say a prayer for you and your baby. Good luck and God Bless

Answer 4

Yes he is going to do this to someone else so teach him a harsh lesson that when you make kids you have financial responsibilities might not stop him knocking someone else up but why should your child suffer not having some sort of financial support from him?.

Trust me your going to want and need that money and if the table's were turned and he some how got custody of the child you can bet your lil tush he'd force you to pay so dont feel bad about forcing him to pay.

Dont tell his family , they already know , he would have told them you were pregnant when he left and they being his family are on his side you dont need the emotional abuse they'll throw at you neither does your child.You said you have a large friendship base thats good use them as much as you can for your emotional support.

being a parent is a hard job you dont need it made by worse by this toad or his family, good luck.

Answer 5

DO NOT TELL HIM!! Trust me, my child's father is the same way and I regret telling him our daughter was born after he wanted me to have an abortion. He is determined not to pay child support. He even went so far as to call child social services with bogus charges so he could get custody (he can't afford support so he figured it'll be easier to take my child rather than pay). The charges where proven false but they take the child first (for protection) and ask questions later. Now we have 50/50 custody and I can't afford to go to court to continue with the original order where they were figuring out how much support I was going to get and I had custody. Now I have to live with the heartache of not seeing my daughter for days at a time. From the way you described your ex, it seems like he would be manipulative and try to get even with you. Especially if you're saying you're seeing a therapist already. Trust me it could get a lot worse if he feels forced into sticking around or being involved. But if he doesn't pay support and you were never married he doesn't have any rights where the child is concernced and cannot hurt you anymore unless he files papers to get a blood test and ASKS for all the responsibility. Also, by keeping him away from the child you are protecting the child and all the crap that the child will go through. Just imagine what you are feeling and then imagine your child feeling the same way because of the father and his actions. Imagine your child crying in your arms and screaming that he/she doesn't want to leave you but you can't do anything about it. Or even imagine it the other way, with your child waiting for "daddy" so they can go to the zoo and he never shows up... again. You would regret letting the father back into your life but by then it will be too late. It will be hard to do it on your own but it will be soooo much more difficult to let such a shady person into your life and destroy you and your child.

Answer 6

I agree that you should pretty much just let it be, if you are ok on your own...but if you feel unsettled by not contacting him then may I suggest sending a newborn photo and birth announcement to him and his family...?

It doesn't take a whole lot on your part (emotionally) to just send it...and be done with it...who knows? a picture of a real baby might inspire him to grow up....if it doesn't, there is no love lost...

I mean, in the end you were together for 2 years! I mean, what was he waiting for to get serious a sign from GOD? If a baby isn't it then I don't know what is....and aside from that, you are 34 and if he is anywhere near your age he can't cop to the "not ready" excuse and be taken seriously...he's just a self-centered child...and you are much better off without someone who is so self-interested--even if he did change his mind, he has already shown his true colors....count your blessings that he didn't decide to stick around to compete with your infant for your affections...

Best wishes to you and your baby...you will be just fine, you sound like you have your head on straight.

Answer 7

You have a right to be angry, but you DO NOT have a right to deny your child any opportunity that may come for him/her to know her/his father. Do NOT do that, unless it proves to be very harmful ( in expert opinion, not yours) to the child. I say not yours, because you are already biased against him and cannot make a fair judgment.
The child is ENTITLED to whatever support can be gotten from the father. Get it!
Remember, that the two of you made this child TOGETHER, so you must NOT poison the child's mind, when her existence is 50% your doing!
Yes, get word to him when you go for delivery. He has a right to know.
I was walked out on, did not know when my child was born, and did not see him until he was 6 months old, and then not again for three years. He's messed up, and hates me. Your child does not deserve to live with YOUR hate instilled in it's mind. That's cruelty, BIG time!
Talk to your therapist about this; you need a second opinion!

Answer 8

There is nothing you can do about him but he obviously doesnt care so i would let him go and not tell him if he was at all interested he woulda at least stayed in touch..and i wouldnt go after him for c/s bcuz when you do that he will always be in your life and why would you want to deal with a man(shouldnt call him that because real men take care of their babies) like that it is totally not worth your time You DON NOT want to be attched to him like that besides if you do go for c/s he may use that as an excuseto see the baby when really he doesnt care at all and you wont know if the baby is being cared for properly i would let him go and be a great mom the baby will be better off without a lousy father

Answer 9

He walked out on his unborn childs life already....he sounds like a loser and maybe did you a favor walking out. If you can afford to raise the child on your own with the help of a good support system (family and friends), I would go that route. He knew you were pregnant and walked out on you, do you think telling him that the baby is born is going to stop him from lying, be abusive, and unselfish?...he showed how selfish he is a what a cad he is when he walked out. He doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of a child. He sounds like the wrong man for you.....no man is better than the wrong man.

Answer 10

I was in a similiar situation with my daughter. Somewhat different. The father and I split up when I was 2 months pregnant because he didn't want to grow up and face reality or responsibility. I tried to get his social security number from him (for future child support issues). This was not an option since he denied that it was his child. He fled the state for criminal reasons. When my daughter was born I denied him of his father rights and left his name off of the birth certicate. My daughter is 18 now, and life sure has been hard raising her alone. She hates the fact that her dad is no where to be found. On the other hand I protected her. Life may have not been so bad after all with him out of the picture. With my final thought HE DENIED HER. She deserves much better. I believe I made the right decision, of course we never really know.