My unborn childs dad dosen't want to get married untill the baby is born.. should this bother me?

Question

My unborn childs dad dosen't want to get married untill the baby is born.. should this bother me?
Because it does. We are young and he wants a paternaty test before we get married and thats not what bothers me...
What I don't like is that when our baby is born I will give he/she his last name because I there know there is no possability of there being another father, and I refuse to carry on my last name!
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Now what really bothers me it is that if he desides he dosen't want to get married to me... me and my baby will have different last names.

Should this bother me like it does... Is it more common than I'm makeing it seem?

well we've been togather 6 years and we're just 21 & 22. We were recently seperated for a short peroid so he does have a reasonable concern and I don't blame him b/c we really didn't discuss thoes details and he did see someone else and so did I but just dated.. He is very supportave and goes to the doc. appts w/ me, feeds me takes care of me with morning sickness... but we had been trying to get pregnante before and after the splitt so he would be devastated if it wern't his.. he longs for a real family wife and kid. I don't know if this makes a difference and I'm trying not to be gullable.. But he does so much to help me and take care of me and weve been togather so long...

Answer 1

Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking recently! Remember you're not yourself at the minute and have a lot of time on your hands so try not to stress about things.

There are lots of practical reasons why he doesn't want to get married yet, perhaps he'd like to look back at the photos and not see you with your bump. Wedding dresses are expensive things for pregnant women!

You say you broke up and were both seeing other people around the time you got pregnant so it seems fair that you should both require proof of paternity and because of that niggling doubt I think he is right to put off the wedding until it is confirmed. If you got married and he found out he wasn't the father (even if you know you are, he can't be sure) most men would walk away and a divorce is expensive, stressful and time consuming so he is being practical and protecting both himself and you. You NEED to wait until paternity is confirmed which is invariably after the birth.

My partner and I broke up shortly after finding out I was pregnant, he was around still and I did consider the child taking his name but in the end chose to use my surname for the eact reason you stated. Still, when I get married she'll probably keep my surname so we'll still have different ones eventually anyway! If he breaks up with you either way your child will eventually have a different surname to you either way as I presume you intend to marry one day, plus, if you REALLY hate your last name then it's a good idea!

However... if you give your child his surname on the birth certificate and he turns out not to be the father you have 1 year after the birth to legally change the childs name so you do have an opt out. Even if the child is his and he walks away (it happens a lot, sorry) within the first year, changing the child's surname to yours isn't exactly going to cause emotional stress to a 6 month old baby now is it?!

So... wait until after the birth and don't even discuss it until the paternity test is done, you will just start arguments and get him thinking about the paternity more. Get the test done asap, like within a month, you have 42 days to register the birth of your child so wait until you get the results before you settle on the surname NO MATTER HOW CERTAIN YOU ARE!!!

If you know 100% (and aren't just lying to yourself) he is the father then be content in the knowledge that when you do get the results he has no excuse to run away and if he does then he's not worth having around. Good Luck!x

Answer 2

If that is all that you are bothered about, then why not just change your own last name when you name your baby? Doesn't sound like you are bothered about your current last name, so it shouldn't be an issue. You can change your name to anything you want, and if it just happens to be the same last name as the father of your baby, then so be it.

Sounds like the guy is a jerk though. The only reason to be married is if you are truly in love. If you were, then he wouldn't be questioning you about paternity. Having a baby is not a reason to get married. It's supposed to work the other way around, but if you're already pregnant, then getting married for that reason alone won't help anyone.

Answer 3

I can understand why you would be angry with him, it implies a lack of trust or respect on his part not to tell you. It is up to you to forgive him, whether he talks to you or not. On the other hand: you need to talk with him about why he didn't tell you, maybe he was embarassed that the child would be born so soon after getting married? Maybe he didn't want you to feel like he was replacing you and didn't know how to tell you? You obviously want to give him another chance, the best way to do that is to sit down and hear his side of the story. You are still a member of his family and deserve a straight explaination from him. Good luck.

Answer 4

I think that he may be feeling really stressed and bewildered.
And insecure. Men are funny that way- if a couple splits up for a while, they seem to feel it's OK for them to date, but if the woman does, he just freaks.
My kids and I have different last names (I am married for twenty some years but chose to keep my maiden name).
It really is a non-issue, especially in this day and age.
Congratulations on planning on keeping your baby . Although we'd like everyone to take us at our word, no questions asked, sometimes they just can't find it in themselves to do so. It sounds like you are not really giving him a hard time about wanting a paternity test, and I think that is pretty cool and mature.
Congratulations, and I know you will love and cherish your baby no matter what.

Answer 5

My advice is that if you don't marry him you may want to consider giving the baby your last name. One day you may marry someone else and you may desire you, your husband and ALL of your children to have the same last name. Either way you would have to consider changing your baby's name later down the road.

I think if he won't readily marry you now, he is probably not going to marry you later. Sounds like he is using the paternity of the baby just to stall until he finds another reason not to get married.

Pray about it. Seek some counsel from some older women AND men and get some sound advice from someone you trust.

Remember any man can make a baby, but only real men can be a father (and) husband......

Answer 6

You know, the fact that he doesn't trust that he is the baby's father means that he doesn't trust YOU. This isn't really a realtionship you should want to stay in anyhow. This man is not going to marry you until he knows that child is his...that means he doesn't truely love you or trust you. Do you really want to live your life committed to a man like that? Be proud of your last name, or give the baby your mother's maiden name if you don't like your own...Don't marry this man. Marrying because of a child is NEVER a good reason. Get married because of true love. If this man turns out to be the father after the paternity test is done, nail him for child support. Whatever you do, do not marry a man who doesn't trust you or love you the way you deserve.

Answer 7

Talk to a lawyer. Find one that doesn't charge for consultation. I think there is some legality behind this sort of reasoning. A few decades back they did this for paternity reasons. If he's already questioning your fidelity then there is an issue you may want to consider. You are already being accused of things, so give the baby your last name and give the relationship some further thought.
Yes, it should bother you.

Answer 8

maybe if you are too young like 16 or younger you should consider adoption as the best choice for the baby ,you and the father.getting married and raising a baby is not for children.you both need to stay in school and graduate and go to college so you can support yourselves and be mature enough to handle marriage and kids.this is why kids should not be having sex before marriage.you are not ready!! do the right thing and get on the pill or something so you do not get pregnant again.good luck.

Answer 9

My opinion? I wouldn't marry him at all. It sounds to me like he will not marry you if the baby is not his and if the baby is his, he will only be marrying you for the childs sake. Either way it sounds like he was not planning on marrying you because he loved you. This is just my opinion, there may be other circumstances. Have you spoken to him and told him how you felt? That would be a good idea to get some understanding of just how important YOU are to him.

Answer 10

Hmm that's a tricky one.
Clearly the problem here is that he does not believe you when you say the baby is his? Why does he think that?
If you are being honest and you haven't cheated, BUT he does not believe you or trust you, I would be leaving him and that baby would have my last name, not his! Why would you not want the baby to have your last name anyway?
The issue here is not the baby - the issue is that he has you over a barrel (and he likes the control). You don't want to marry someone like that love.