hubby doesn't want kid, i do..now what?

Question

Hi,

Me and hubby are married for nearly 5 yrs now. I have realised early in the relationship that he has commitment issues...perhaps due to his childhood. I had conceived within 5 months of marriage and had an abortion since he was very upset about it! I wanted to wait till he was ready. Last year or so, we had been talking about having kids in this year. We actually discussed in detail how exactly we would raise the child until he/she was old enough to stand on his/her own feet. Now, when the time actually came he backed out saying he does not ever want kids. I have a strong feeling it has to do with his feelings (bad) towards his childhood and father. He says, tomorrow if the child grows up and asks him why he went through with it, even though he was not willing, he wouldn't have an answer! He says he would probly be ignoring the child and the child would feel unwanted. He does not want responsibility. I have been googling about this topic and haven't found a good suggestion yet

He is a very gentle and sweet person which is the reason I couldn't say no the first time he asked for abortion. I thought, perhaps he needed us to have more time. Ours was arranged marriage...and in our culture its accepted that one has a baby after marriage! I was looking to see if perhaps therapy might help him. I know he can be a good father.....if he could only get over his fears. Can anyone suggest a good therapist? I live in chicago

my parents and in laws are in my hometown...more than 20000 miles away. I have a great relationship with both...and they have constantly supported me through tough times. They do know that I had an abortion earlier and the reason for that too. They too were of the same opinion as I was, thinking he needed more time! Hubby also keeps offering suggestion on getting a divorce as he does not want me to be unhappy becoz of him. However, i do feel strongly that if we could resolve his inner confusion, he'd be a fine father. My FIL is not very comfortable handling emotions, hence used to react violently. DH is close to mother but came away frm home country to keep away from his Dad. I did briefly inform MIL abt this issue...however, haven't yet spoken to her in details.

Answer 1

Your husband has a psychological problem, since yours was an arranged marriage, how about involving your families in resolving this matter, if you do have a reasonably good relationship with your inlaws? Does anyone in your family know that you had had an abortion and why? This matter may be too difficult for you to deal with by yourself, get some advice from family members on how to tackle it, there is generally too much opposition for the woman in an arranged marriage, so get the required support for yourself before you consider counseling.

Answer 2

This is definitely something that should have been discussed before the "I Do's" where uttered. Whether or not to have kids is a major issue to over come in a marriage, especially if the partners don't agree. If you think this is based on his childhood, then maybe therapy would help him to come to terms with his past and work through it. Are you willing to fore go motherhood to remain married to this man? There are a lot of soul searching questions to be answered and they should be dealt with before you begin to consider adding an innocent child to the mix. Most people aren't "swayed" after the fact, so "just getting pregnant" wouldn't be wise. Look what happened the first time you conceived?! ... Wishing you luck and much happiness.

Answer 3

I think if he is telling you this it is most likely true. You need to either stay in the marriage without kids, have a child with an absentee father, or move on and make the family you want. Honestly I am in my early 30s and although I had a brief stint of "ahh kids might be ok" when my little niece was born, a year later I am back to the "no no way on kids LOL"

And honestly if he had dysfunctional childhood, aren't you kind of setting your unborn child up to have the same experience? It takes a lot to undo the past and make it better for the next generation. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 4

Having kids is one of those topics that you MUST discuss before getting engaged. Did you guys skip that?

Why doesn't he want a child? Is he afraid that he will end up just like dad was? Your hubby must take control of his own destiny. He can choose to have a child and raise it how he wants to. Every father raises their child differently.

And what was so wrong with his childhood? Did he not have a mother (which you will be around for your child)? Was he a mistake/surprise where the parents didn't have enough money?

Kids are such a blessing... Too bad some families who want children can't have any...

Answer 5

I've left husbands for this very reason. We didn't have the same life goals. How do you grow together if you are going separate ways in life? Not everything within the relationship has to be common but to have kids or not is a huge thing to have in common with a partner.
Maybe try counseling, maybe he could work through his childhood issues.
One thing I realized when I grew up is that raising a child is my opportunity to make my own childhood right....by overcoming the nasty bad things that happened to me and giving my child a happy, abuse free childhood.

Answer 6

I'm not the counceling type but your husband needs help. alot of men feel that they are not worthy of being responsible for something as great of a life but he obviously has deeper issues. he needs to talk to someone. you also need to express your feelings to him and explain that you know that he will be a good father because ....etc. he needs to know that someone believes in him. if this is a marriage breaker for you then you shuold explain that to him also. I am also not big on divorce but what i don't understand the most is why didn't you discuss this before marriage? If you did discuss this and he changed his mind since you've been married then i think maybe you have inadvertanly given him the impression that he won't be a great father and if thats the case make it up to him. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 7

You've already made a huge decision by having an abortion once, what would you do if you were pregnant again? If having children is something you're serious about, you should really go to couple's counseling if you want a family with your husband. If your husband cannot resolve his feelings regarding children (yes one day, no the next), you need to consider whether the marriage is worth saving before you even consider getting pregnant again.

Answer 8

This is something that should be worked out prior to getting married. Period.

It seems that he has some issues from his own childhood that he thinks will prevent him from being a good father. Wouldn't it be nice if more people thought along these lines. Respect his decision and then make yours. If this is a deal breaker then get out. If you can live life without being a mother then do it.

Answer 9

This could be a major deal breaker for you all. Personally if my husband had wanted me to get an abortion I would have left then. If you really want kids chances are he is not going change his mind, if you want kids divorce will probably be the only way to go.

There are several people that come from bad homes, my husband grew up in foster homes and group homes, and he is an excellant father to his children.

Answer 10

I think he never wanted kids in the beginning. You are in a tight spot. Maybe you can try babysitting someone else's kid, and maybe he will get attached that way and see how much joy a child can add to life. Therapy is an option, maybe he should try facing some issues of the past. There's no point in letting past problems control the future. Wish you the best.