What to do about my childs behavior?

Question

I just got out of an abusive relationship that I endured for almost 8 years. What I didn't realize is the toll that it took on my daughter. At 6 years old she is kind of a loner. Her father and I share custody but at the same time I don't know what to do because she hates to go to his house and she says it makes her sick because her dad is always asking about me and my new life. It's almost like he is forcing her to be an adult with his adult conversations. I don't know how to reverse the loneliness that she seems to have she always wants to be by herself. I try to do a lot of one on one activities with her but she has no patience. She mouths back at me and other adults as well. I give her love, affection, and everything she possibly wants but with no result. She is very smart and some of the things she brings out of her mouth surprises me. I know some say show her who's the parent but I am healing myself. It hurts to see that no one likes to be around my child what to do?

Answer 1

Read the book "Emotional Intelligence." She might be headed in a seriously wrong direction that could lead to drugs, crime and promiscuity. The book explains that given her background how her brain developed. Being a tough parent is not the single answer. You need to get her some counseling, but mostly you will need to know how to react and respond to her to start changing how her brain works. There are varies neorological and chemical reactions that take place to outside stimulus. The patterns can be changed. She is still young enough to get things turned around. Good luck!

Answer 2

This is a power issue. The child has the power and you feel as if you're trapped by society's restrictions. There are, however, some ways to get the power or control back. It may require sacrificing going places though. When a child acts out when you're out and away from the house, pack them up and go back home. Don't take "No!" for an answer from them. If the child is acting out when they are at home, don't put them in their room. Put them in a chair in the room with you and ignore them. Do not respond to their yelling and acting out. Give them a time that they must stay on the chair and if they get off ... the time starts over. Stick with it. When the time is up (usually one minute for each year of age) you explain why they were put there and expect an apology from them for being bad. Make sure they know why they were put on the chair. Make sure to reward good behavior with some type of treat or praise. Make sure not to reward bad behavior at all. Don't even respond except with the chair. It's worth a try but it will take some time and work. Hob

Answer 3

You just got out of this relationship, she needs time. Take her to a therapist, they have free ones just contact social services or a church. I would also file for sole custody, I know it's hard, but you had the guts to get out of the relationship, go all the way and save your child the grief she is going through, try to get him to only be able to see her every other weekend, then she wouldn't have to put up with it so much. You do need to punish her when she mouths off to you, you're only hurting her if you don't, even though it's hard to do since she has been through so much already, you have to do it or she'll have no respect for authority and that leads to bad behavior. Give her time and a lot of love, she's only six, and with encouragement to have friends her own age, she'll get through this, give her what she's not going to get from your ex, but get custody of her if you can, there may be abuse going on with her at his home, she has the symptoms. God Bless You.

Answer 4

You give her everything she possibly wants?

THAT'S a mistake.

I know you're doing it out of guilt, but, for her sake (and your own), you need to stop it.

She keeps acting out worse and worse, waiting for you to set limits. As long as you refuse to do so, she'll keep looking.

No one wants to be near a verbally abusive person (which you're training her to be by letting her get away with it); fix that, and people won't feel that way any more.

I agree with those who said counselling is in order, too. People tend not to just get over things; plus, she still needs to learn how to cope with her father. (She should learn how to refuse to discuss you with him. Also, check into what age she gets the right to refuse to visit.)

BTW, ignore the wretch in a previous answer who blames it on the divorce itself, and who obviously has not the least clue of the damage done children in abusive relationships.

You can't "reverse" her lonliness. When she deals with her past, and gets used to her present, she'll start wanting to be with others more.

So, give her everything it's reasonable to give her (and now and then a bit more as a treat), do NOT let her back-talk to you (she spends some time in her room, without some of her normal privilages, until she learns to be polite), and get the two of you into some counselling.

Look in your phone book -- there may be help for you, having gotten out of an abusive marriage. And talk to people at her school, to see what's available there.

You can both heal from this; it takes time (you don't say how long ago you split).

But it CAN happen.

She doesn't only need love, affection, and stuff, she also needs limits and guidance, and a chance to work through her stuff.

Answer 5

My sister has a child that nobody likes to be around either. I agree, it's time to be a parent and set her limits. Kids are not happy if they don't know where they stand regardless of the situation. You've gotta do your healing on the side cuz kids come first. Keep trying to show her affection and hopefully she'll come around. Remember she's only doing what she's been doing for 6 years and you've just started this new life.

Answer 6

You have to understand the anger that she feels. You are in many ways to blame for staying in an abusive relationship; and then being naive to the fact that this abuse would be put upon to your daughter. Under the circumstances, I don't see how you could expect anything else. In fact, what she is doing is imitating the adult behavior. What you are going to have to do is to model better behavior; however, this is going to take time. You should expect the child's angry behavior for a while.

Answer 7

What I'm going to answer is going to not be what you want to hear, but you need to hear it. Your child is hurting inside. Despite however much she may seem to be OK, she's not. If you love her and want her to not carry scars with her you'll try and get her a therapist/counselor to talk to- someone who isn't involved in her life, but someone who she can open up to without guilt. If you were in an abusive relationship, you have to know that even if she wasn't abused personally- watching you go through that (even if you think she didn't pick up on it- kids know more than you realize) had some kind of emotional impact on her. The way she's acting out toward you is indicitave of this- she's mouthy because she's angry inside. This isn't a behavioral problem- it's an emotional response to the **** she's enduring in her life right now. No matter what love and affection you are giving her, she has a lot going on her little head- she's absorbed all this stuff that's gone on with you and has to deal with the relationship with her father. There's a lot going on with this little kid. She's probably a loner because she isn't seeking out a relationship with a friend, because it would be one more thing for her to have to deal with in her head. Friendship isn't an easy thing. As for her relationship with her father, while it bothers you how he is with her, you really have to bite your tongue and not say anything around her about it. This is her father, she has to spend time with him and you should be supportive of this as much as you can. As long as he isn't harming her (physically or emotionally)- their relationship must remain just that THEIRS. Do not say anything around your child that is negative about her father, this will just add more into her head for her to have to deal with. If she doesn't want to go with him, you must try and help her deal with the fact that she needs to. If you are supportive for her and encourage her that spending time with him is a good thing (even if you don't always believe that yourself) it will make it easier for her. No matter what kind of healing you are doing for yourself, your child needs to come first, she's innocent in all this- you brought her into all this mess and even if you didn't create it you didn't shelter her enough or she wouldn't be acting out. The fact that she's smart is actually going to make her understanding of all of what has happened even more complicated. I encourage you to seek out some child psychologist for her to see now, while she's still young- as she gets older things will become worse/heightened if you don't address this all now.

Answer 8

counseling for one, is a good help. she can get out her feelings of what is happening to her, she will probably do this with and without a parent in the room with the counselor.

you might try to create mommy/daughter day with a couple of her friends and their moms on a regular basis, maybe the movies, ice cream shop, shopping, amusement park.

this will help with her social life and you will be her brace by being there. after she comes out ofher shell you can taper off the if you choose, but still keep the social calendar for her.

as far as what your ex is doing to her, you and the counselor might find a way to help her reply to his forcefull inquiries. She will have to tell him she is not allowed to talk of her homelife with him. When he persists she needs to call you or tell him she has to call you, then you get on the phone and create your response.

I believe this type of intimidation can be brought into the courts. If he persists you can stop visitation.

Before you do this you need to confirm with your divorce lawyer that you have the right to do this.

good luck.

Answer 9

You need to put your foot down & tell her that she's just a child & you are her mother. If she has an attitude w/ya...take some of the things that she likes away from her...make her realize that you mean business & that you are the adult Not her.

Keep doing this until she learns how to straighten up her act towards you & other adults. If you keep taking previlages away from her wheather it's watching t.v., deserts, or going over to a friends house...she'll know how to treat you & others around her the way she's suppose to..

Let me tell ya, she'll get her act together be/c she'll know what will happen if she doesn't!!!
Whatever you do, dont ever cave in be/c she'll know what to do to get her way!!!!

Answer 10

You and her need to get counseling together now. Dont put it off because things will get worse and by the time she hits the teen years your life will be a living hell. Remember you helped her become this way by exposing her to watch the abuse so now you have to fix it. Im not laying blame Im only trying to point out how serious this is.