My family has never found out about the abuse i suffered at the hands of my father and my cousin. It began when i was 2 and lasted till 3rd grade when my mom divorced my dad and my cousin committed suicide. Growing up my family always just considered me the "bad seed," and never really tried to figure out why a 2 yr old would begin acting the way that i did. I didn't straighten myself out until around 18 years of age, I worked through the feelings about my abuse and have moved on.
I want to share with my family what I went through so that maybe they can begin to understand who I am a little better, but honestly do not feel it is my responsibility to help them through the feelings they will inevitably have about the abuse and myself. I don't feel it is my job to help them, they never helped me. Is this selfish of me, should I share with them and make myself available to talk about their feelings or keep it to myself and let them continue to think negatively about me?
2007-09-11 05:53:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
I'm so sorry about the abuse. I held mine a secret til I was in my late teens, mostly due to shame and fear of reaction and judgment, but once I was ready to speak out about it, nobody's judgment mattered.
From your question, it is clear that you care about what they think about you and you want them to understand you. It's very frustrating when you're being judged and don't have the opportunity to defend yourself by speaking openly about your past. I know the serious sense of vulnerability that come with it, but it sounds like you have worked through the issues and already feel strong enough. I wouldn't see it as helping them, but helping and defending yourself. You're not doing them a favor by speaking out, you're doing it for yourself. Your pride and anger to punish them are the only things holding you back. You are telling them about a childhood you had no control over and the adults who failed to protect you--that's only explaining to them certain causes and effects that they have failed to pick up on. What's the worst thing that could come out of it? Give them and yourself a chance to communicate openly about your past!
I know it takes a lot of courage :) Good luck!
2007-09-11 06:26:40 · answer #1 · answered by Lioness 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To be fair to yourself, your family really should be informed about what happened to you that caused your questionable behaviour.
The first and biggest problem with this is that they will not be inclined to believe you ---since you have always been 'the bad actor' in the family.
It is a good thing that you have moved on. Some people never achieve that status and dwell forever in the past. Forgiveness is a huge part of that. You have obviously forgiven and accepted the past.
If you really feel the need to inform them, proceed with caution and understand that they will be very upset and will be more inclined to NOT believe you ultimately.
If they refuse to believe you with time allowed, clearly it is better if you just continue to get on with your new life and reflect generously upon the quirks of humanity.
You need to tell them in the presence of someone they trust implicitly ----if you are comfortable doing that. Discuss the matter WITH this third party beforehand, so that there are absolutely NO surprises in the ensuing discussion.
When you DO tell them, stay calm, be informative, NON-accusative, and give them time to adjust to the "news".
Do not argue with them, merely state FACT.
Perhaps the same kind of thing has also been perpetrated upon THEM, and they have not told YOU.
Understand?
Good luck with that. You will need it because most families have incredible loyalty and do not appreciate the 'status quo' being disrupted by disquieting 'information' about the past.
2007-09-11 06:11:18 · answer #2 · answered by fiddlesticks9 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you really need to tell them, if I were you, I would first realize that their opinion of who I am is less important than my own. You could tell them in a way that doesn't allow for an extended period of recriminations, or uncomfortable questions and answers. Make it clear that you have no intention of saying anything more about it than exactly what you are telling them. For example, send a long email that says everything you want to say, then close your e-mail account, or send a letter and then immediately go on vacation. Let them chew on it by themselves for a while, and when you do come into contact with them again, refuse to talk about it.
By the way, it is not selfish of you. I would see it as more along these lines - you have had a traumatic experience, and it is all you can do just to give this much information. They are not entitled to anything more from you, or anything at all on the subject. You are being generous in the face of their unsupportive attitude, just to offer as much as you are giving them, in the name of peacemaking. If they can't handle that, it's not your fault.
2007-09-13 11:45:16 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once you deciede to share it will open up a can of worms and will have them see the things that happened to you right under their nose. There are times that things happen that people ignore. There is a possibility that someone in the family knew about what was happening to you but did not know what to do. What you are thinking of doing is huge and you need to prepare yourself emotionally & psychologically. I did it and things were not appreciate it, there was denial, so just be wear of that. But definately go for it, if you decide to do it. Just prepare yourself and prepare your exit, you don't need to sit threw bickering or more pain you've gone threw enough.
You sound like a strong and willful person because you have survived.
2007-09-11 06:28:02 · answer #4 · answered by Chulitism 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you believe that even the worst results would be better than not telling them, then I would do it. I would feel no responsibility to help them with their reactions, but since you want them to think of you differently, you can provide books/help center info etc but don't offer to "help" them yourself. I have a relative who was not ready to tell their family about the abuse, but did once they found out the abuser was again being allowed to "care take" children. Their family refused to believe them and continued allowing the abuser to "care take" children. But the survivor had done what they could to warn parents in the family about the risk they were taking with their children.
But be prepared for the worse, they may think worse of you than they do now. It can also blow your mind if they refuse to believe you and try to guilt trip you for daring to "smear" the "good name" of the family and good name of family members. They may refuse to see you or act like you had never told them. People are capable of incredible amounts of denial.
2007-09-11 13:08:41 · answer #5 · answered by edith clarke 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no and i understand where you are coming from. I was abused by a cousin as well and i have told some members of my family who, of course, do not believe me and say things like "oh you were kids" or "he was just playing with you" or "kids do stuff like that". You probably feel some anger towards the adults in your family for not protecting you, for finding it very easy to label the kid as the bad apple and ignore the adults or even hold them responsible for what they have done wrong. Till today my parents do not know about my abuse experiences growing up because i know that they will blame me and say stuff like "why did you talk to him?", "why did you not stop it?" or more likey they will not believe me. You can tell how an individual will react to bigger issues depending on how they react to smaller issues and my parents reaction is automatic. they blame me or anyone else around. There are no apologies, all they care about is absolving themselves of any responsibility towards what happened. anyway i digress. Telling your family about what went on is definitely another phase towards coming to peace with it. It is important to remember that you may not get the reaction that you expect and not let that bother you. There are going to be members who have emotional ties to your cousin and father and who will want to hold on to their image of them as victims and you as the bad apple. And no, it is absolutely not your job to help them deal with other people's actions. You had to deal with it without help as a kid they have to figure out how to deal with it as adults. So tell them if you want but be prepared for any and every reaction. By the way kudos for getting your life back together.
2007-09-11 06:22:04 · answer #6 · answered by uz 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should FIRST consider talking to a highly qualified therapist (who specializes in these matters) about this. It seems you do have a legitimate need to express what you went through, and a deep desire for your family to understand. It also sounds like you have unresolved anger, which is entirely understandable, as well. However, before you talk to your family, you must be emotionally prepared for the worst-case-scenario: that they won't believe you, or they may blame you in some way, and/or hold you in still (or in more) negative regard. That's not to say that this would be appropriate on their part, but it is a possibility, and one that could re-open old wounds and possibly create new ones. Please, talk to a professional about your situation before you talk to your family. You've been through so much already. I just would hate to see you get hurt more than you already are.
*many blessings*
2007-09-11 06:04:08 · answer #7 · answered by It's Ms. Fusion if you're Nasty! 7 · 12⤊ 1⤋
So even though you straightened yourself out by the age of 18, your family are still obsessing about the actions of a 2 year old? Sounds to me as though the family would not benefit from any discussions of incest...as they are messed up already.
This is up to you...will it help YOU? Will YOU be able to deal with the criticisms and disbelief? Thats often what happens. Are you prepared for that?
Family - if it is not a good one - is highly overrated. I would suggest you focus your life on the positive people in it at present, and worry little to none about the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally - because obviously - they don't.
2007-09-11 06:14:09 · answer #8 · answered by Super Ruper 6 · 3⤊ 3⤋
I am also an adult that was sexually molested as a child. To tell your family what you went thru would help you in dealing more with what happened. They did not know what was going on and so they could not help you. To tell would help them to understand why you were the 'bad seed.' I did tell, and it did help me to grow and my family to more understand. Best wishes to you.
2007-09-11 06:04:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
It is not your responsibility to justify your existence to anyone except your higher power. Furthermore, it is not your responsibility to rectify the false assumptions of others concerning the causality of your behavior, unless your behavior is factually damaging to the other parties in question. We are each only responsible for our own individual healing, and no one else's.
Shingoshi Dao
2007-09-11 09:20:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋