My fiance has a 16 yr old daughter who lives with her mother 4 hours away. His ex is very manipulative woman who puts the daughter in the middle of every situation. They have been divorced 12 years and both had been remarried but when my fiance was going through his 2nd divorce, she divorced her husband and did everything she could to get back with him. So Im not the cause of the divorce or anything like that but I am already the "evil step mom" his daughter didnt like me before she ever met me. She is disrespectful to me. I have tried for a year and a half to do everything in my power to be her friend. Her mother sends me nasty emails and then when I respond and stick up for myself - the daughter reads them and responds back to me in a way I would NEVER allow my teenage daughter to speak. My fiance and I have a great relationship really. WE get along and I couldnt be happier but I foresee this being a big problem but I dont her to split us up but this is his lil girl.
2007-09-11 05:40:09 · 46 answers · asked by spoildrotn 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As a stepmother who has dealt with a similar situation, my best advise to you is to first talk to your fiance. Unless the two of you present a united front and he steps up and takes control of the situation, then you are fighting a losing battle and your marriage will end in the same way the last one did. Second, do not respond to his ex wife. She is an ex for a reason and you do not need to invite her in to your relationship unnecessarily. Be the bigger person and don't stoop to her level and don't play juvenile games. And most importantly, no matter which way you turn it, this young lady IS his daughter and will always be his daughter. You don't have to be her best friend and you most certainly do not have to tolerate disrespect from her. BUT ... you do have to respect the relationship she has with her father. She was there first and there are going to be hard feelings, no matter what woman comes in to her fathers life. Be neutral in all dealings with the ex and daughter but support your husband and don't make him chose. If he truly loves you, he will set boundries for his daughter and enforce them. He should be the one demanding the respect that you are entitled to as an adult. Time will be the deciding factor in any step relationship. If you show a mature and respectful attitude, as the young lady grows and matures she will understand that you are not the enemy and by not being petty now, you will have allowed a great relationship to be cultivated.
On an ending note though, if your fiance is not willing to stand beside you and present you as his partner, then you should rethink the relationship and give marriage a strong second thought.
2007-09-11 06:22:31 · answer #1 · answered by squidsgirl97 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm..you said the daughter lives with her mother 4 hours away. I am assuming she is with her mom most of the time, which may be a good thing for you at this point. Seems you have tried what you could and she will grow up one day and see things differently hopefully. If you love this man and want to stay with him, make sure he supports you in all this. I would not respond to anyting from his ex or nasty emails from either of them. Someone can not manipulate you, if you do not respond. However, if you chose to partake in the emailing back and forth, it will continue. Stop it cold, no more communication and be as nice to the daughter as possible when she is around you. If she talks nasty to you when there, simply leave the room without a word. This is a hard road and I wish you the best!!
2007-09-11 06:07:55 · answer #2 · answered by 2008girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well it's very obvious that the ex wife is getting the daughter all up and mighty. The ex also senses your dislike for disrespect, so she's egging her on.
They haven't broke you 2 up so far. So, keep in mind, this girl will be 18 soon. Dad of course will still have his baby girl, but as "parents" your man won't have to be tied to the ex for many more things.
If your man doesn't insist on the girl showing you respect, he's not either. It's up to you if you want to keep being disrespected or not.
If you 2 are happy and you want to keep that happiness, then stop all together with the emails. Don't even go there. Stop trying so hard to getting this girl to like and respect you. Maybe you'd see more respect if you didn't play the email game along with her mom and her.
Good luck. Teens can be a real problem when it comes to a new man/lady in their lives and any ex's that can't handle not being the center of attention any more.
2007-09-11 05:50:11 · answer #3 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am not going to make you happy but I am going to try to give some advise I wish I would have had earlier regarding my step son and his mother.
First of all it is needless to say what the daughter and mother should or shouldn't do. They will do what they want. Your fiance needs to be the one intervening. He needs to set boundaries, let both of them know what is and is not allowed. Don't accept any e mail or phone calls.
You are the innocent party but you are the one suffering and he better take action to protect/defend your relationship. If he doesn't take an active role in parenting and uses the excuse that they don't live close enough for him to "punish/hold her accountable" then get out of the relationship. The daughter is only acting like her mom and that may or may not ever get better and kids don't just magically go away.
Last but not least...I know you aren't going to like this but...why a man who has had two failed marriages already? Why a man who has a bad kid and lots of baggage that isn't resolved yet? Don't be his third victim. You deserve respect and peace in life not a Jerry Springer show. Don't get caught up in the figth, it may not be worth it.
2007-09-11 05:52:09 · answer #4 · answered by Mawm 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband has a daughter & ex just like that, I tried for about a year to get a relationship with her. I finally gave up. She will not come to see things in a different way until she is no longer influenced by her mother. She wishes her mother & father were still together. So all you can do is be yourself, but the harder you try to get on her good side the harder she will make it for you. Just let it go & be polite & kind. Stop reading all the emails & especially do not answer them. Don't leave yourself open for the BS. Some people just have to have drama all the time. They do not know how to be happy and do not want anyone else to be happy either. Let it go.
2007-09-11 05:50:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Do not respond to the nasty emails because you are allowing the ex. to disrupt your life. If you choose to respond anyway then, do it in manner that is not negative on your part. By not allowing the ex. to provoke you into responding back in a negative manner, you will no longer be giving the daughter ammunition to attack you. I know that you want to have a good relationship with the daughter , but it appears as though the mother is doing everything to prevent it. Understand that it is not you but the mother who is trying to affect your relationship with her ex. Do the best that you can with maintaining a friendship with the daughter and hopefully you can be a better example to her then her mother. In time hopefully the daughter will grow up and see things for herself. Also be very careful about complaining about this to your fiancee because you are correct by realizing that no matter what, she is still his daughter.
2007-09-11 05:54:56 · answer #6 · answered by myleshunt 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yikes! Tough age. I have had to deal with the same situation. Don't try any longer. Tell your fiance that you have had enough of the disrespect. Tell him if his ex wife was raising his daughter the proper way she wouldn't be speaking to you the way she does and would respect you until she got to know you and was able to decide for herself whether she liked you or not. The ex is obviously influencing her thinking. To me, her mother is doing more harm to his daughter. He should be aware of it. The worst thing you can do is belittle his daughter to him. Just explain that you can't take it any longer. If he knows you are serious he may have a talk with her. He also needs to confront his ex. Damn, move on ex wife and give it a rest!! She sounds very immature. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself. Obviously, no one else is going to do it for you! By the way, as the girl matures and gets out from under her mother's influences she will come around. If you have always tried with her and haven't done anything to hurt her she will realize it later on and come around.
2007-09-11 05:50:49 · answer #7 · answered by Paula D 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Next time she sends you an email mark it as spam, then you wont get any more from her. Do not sink to her level. You may think you are sticking up for your self, but in reality you are only playing into her childish games. As far as his daughter, for now just ignore it, no matter how hard you try she may never like you. Don't go out of your way for her, just be polite and keep it short. Talk to your fiance about how she has spoken to you and let him deal with it. Even if she doesn't like you, she needs to at least be polite to you. Don't let any of it get to you, you do the best you can, and be happy with your own life, and your fiance.
2007-09-11 05:53:29 · answer #8 · answered by cris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not respond to any hate email.. instead forward it back to her. Dont stoop to her level. unfortunately the daughter is too old at this point and probably will only listen to the mom. SO when it is his turn to visit... let him do something with his daughter... and forget it .. Dont join in. If shes around.,. like spending the night... just ignore it... putting attention to the situation is EXACTLY what they want, Your new husband will love you even more... to see that you are not acting as childish as them... and even if they do something uncalled for... dont let it faze you.. HE will be sooo happy that he married someone down to earth.. and not psyco like his EX. In time when the 16yr old goes out on her own... you may develop a diffrent relationship with her... but as long as the MOM is interfering.. it wont matter. Make shure you always ask him... Did u do this with your daughter... or Remember you have to do whatever.. or sign something.. whatever tye case may be.. so you can show the Daughter and the EX .. you are not there to "steal" her daddy away , infact its the opposite you encourage him to get involved.. and if she doesnt want u to be then.... ****. dont. Let them be the worng ones.. not you.
2007-09-11 05:56:11 · answer #9 · answered by c_leoo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would refuse to have a relationship with the 16 year old girl but not get between the daughter and the father. When Dad wants to have her over for visits I would tell your fiance to inform you ahead of time that she is coming so you can leave the house untill she goes back home. I would avoid her on every occassion untill Dad and the daughter deal with this situation because you do not have to tollerate the brain washing from mom in her head and put up with her nasty behavior. When your soon to be husband gets tired you disconnecting from anything that involves this child maybe he will stand up to her and do something about it. She should not be given power over her fathers relationship with you and she needs to be put in her place by Dad if she wants to be a part of things in her fathers home. She is acting out and getting away with it and as long as it is allowed she will continue to do so and keep trying to disrupt her fathers life so he will be as miserable as her mother. The girl needs counseling due to loyalty issues that her mother has put upon her daughter. As far as the childs smart mouth you have every right to not subject yourself to it and Dad needs to put a sock in it!!! She is acting out like a spoiled brat just like her mother and they both need to grow up! If you can still have children maybe you should consider having a decent child for your husband to be and knock this 16 year old off her throne!!
2007-09-11 06:36:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋