My husband and I seperated early in my pregnancy due to him cheating. We have a 3yr old together already. He is military, lives 3 hours away, and barely manages to visit her once a month. Now that it's getting close to my due date he tells me he is going to get a court order for a paternity test for the baby. I have no objections to this, it's his child. I think he's just doing it to hurt me. I want to tell him, "Fine then don't bother seeing the baby until you have your results!" but I'm not sure if that's because I'm hurt and angry or if it is a legit request. I know I shouldn't bring my feelings into it, because it's most important for the children to have a relationship with their father. He's already agreed on not being there for the birth but says he wants to see the baby after it's born... do I allow this? He has made life very stressful for me, and our daughter. I don't want to see another child get attached to him, just to be abandoned. Any suggestions? Thank you.
2007-09-11 05:29:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First, you choose this man to be the father of your children. Legally he has a right to see them. Children do not ask to be born. They are not tools to hurt someone. Let him see your child. Take the paternity test. Do not say one bad word about him to your children. They will figure it out on their own what he is like.
Good luck..Take about 2 years to concentrate on your children and yourself. Do not date. Just be you for a awhile. You need to figure out why you married this jerk.
2007-09-11 05:40:14 · answer #1 · answered by Tadpoler 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
If he has any reason at all to suspect that the child may not be his, then of course, he wants a paternity test. I understand that it stings that he thinks you may have been unfaithful, but you cannot hold it against him that he is doing the intelligent thing.
If you know the child is his then let him see the child. Since you’re married, he is the legal father until a paternity test proves otherwise. That means he has the same rights to that child as you do. You’re considering withholding visitation (which by the way would not look good to a court in a custody case) merely because you’re angry. That's understandable, but you need to put your anger aside and make rational decisions.
As far as him abandoning your 3-year-old…if he lives 3 hours away, that means it’s a 6-hour round trip. Therefore, he can only make it on the weekends. If he’s managing to do that one weekend a month (as opposed to the normal 2 weekends a month a father receives visitation), then he’s actually doing pretty good. If he’s providing financial support for your child and seeing the child (even if it’s only once a month) that is NOT abandonment.
2007-09-11 06:15:57 · answer #2 · answered by kp 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, if you know 100% that he is the father, then you know he has a right to his children. whether he is damaging or not, this is the person you chose to create children with and unless you can prove him harmful in a court of law, he has a right to see his children. you can always take him to family court and get a visitation schedule. maybe he will make seeing his kids more of a priority if he can only legally do it once or twice a month.
i'm sorry you're going through this while preggers. but don't be spiteful and tell him to stay away because he hurt your feelings. if anything, take some pictures of him and his baby so that your baby will have some shots of them together.
good luck
2007-09-11 05:39:35 · answer #3 · answered by twosey ♥ 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Go to family court right now. Do not wait. This situation could get way out of hand, and go badly for you and the kids, if you are not the first one to involve the court. Better not to be the second one. You need to make it clear that he cheated on you, and any other bad stuff he's done.
If you can possibly afford one, get a lawyer. At least get a consultation (should be in the $300-400 range). If you can't afford one, try your local bar association, they often refer qualified people to pro bono lawyers, but it could take awhile. Or if any argument for abuse can be made at all (even mental/emotional, and I'm betting it can), go to a battered women's shelter and ask for a referral to a lawyer or counselor from there.
2007-09-11 05:41:38 · answer #4 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
my sister...you know its his baby...it does hurt your feelings that he's questioning it..and you would be letting your emotions get in the way if you deny him seeing the baby till after. You say that he has made life stressful for your daughter but come on...she's three. She doesnt even know whats going on right now. She doesnt feel abandoned...you do. My oldest daughter didnt see her dad for about the first 3 yrs of her life because he denied she was his and I was bitter about it. You know how it has all washed out? She has a great relationship with him today, loves him to death and is spending her senior year in highschool living with him. You have to put your feelings aside and see whats best for the kids honey. And seeing daddy is about all they care about. Have him participate in the pregnancy. Do not speak bad things about him over your daughter. Purpose in your heart to make sure that they have a relationship, even if you two dont. You do not want your children growing up feeling that 'daddy void'..it will drive them to find love in all the wrong places.
2007-09-11 05:55:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I dont blame you for feeling this way. All though, He already is in your oldest daughter's life, so chances are he will be in your unborn child's life. And as much stress and anger as he is causing in your family's life, He will probably continue to be in their life. But let him make the decision, and if he is a bad father, the kids will see that. Let them make there own decision too. Good luck, and I really do wish you the best
2007-09-11 05:47:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand your hesitations. However, the baby is his. I think you will have no choice eventually but to let him see your child. The paternity test will also be good for you in being able to get financial support from him.
Be the person of open and honest integrity that you want to be. There is no reason to let his nastiness make you nasty. You will be happier knowing you have nothing to hide.
I'm sorry he has treated you badly. You deserve better.
2007-09-11 05:39:30 · answer #7 · answered by Brent 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A father has every right to see his child, the only one who can deny him is a judge with a court order.
2007-09-11 05:45:45 · answer #8 · answered by getaclue 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Isn't adultery a chargeable offense in the military? Why haven't you reported his behavior? What you and him are going through has nothing to do with his children. He has every right to cultivate a relationship with them, though I wouldn't want him around my children either. It's not something you can allow or not; it's the law. A man who cheats on his wife and leaves her pregnant has no pride. He has no dignity and no self respect. This is why he has no business in the military.
2007-09-11 05:45:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he questions the paternity so much, then why does he want to see the baby soon after he/she is born? What a jerk, and I don't blame you. Yes, you're hurt and angry, but you're also right about protecting your children from a father who's proven he wants nothing to do with them.
Good luck to you.
2007-09-11 05:34:53 · answer #10 · answered by ron-D 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋