Husbands, Wives have you been in this situation before?

Question

Me and my wife have reconciled our marriage after an affair I found out about. It been a little over a since we decided to allow GOD have control over our marriage and things at home are so much better now! So why do I have thoughts of sleeping with another woman?
I know that I can't do this, but there are times (for no reason at all) that I just want to have a fling to get back at her. I am not sure if this is just part of the healing process or what?

I love my wife and would never let go of our family, but I can't forget the mental scars I am left with........ Is this normal to feel this way? If you have gone through the same thing....do you feel that way sometimes too?

Thanks for the prayers and and comforting advice......... I just felt that I needed to be real with myself and admit I have those thoughts! I am not going to do what was done to me.... I have to keep my vow to GOD.

Answer 1

You have been betrayed, and it's normal to have those thoughts. You are human. I think somehow in your mind, you're "more allowed to go there" because SHE broke the marital vow first. It's also normal for men to fantasize more because they're just more "visual" creatures. But don't forget (also) that there is ALWAYS someone cuter out there willing to play, ALWAYS. Sometimes "tests" come along in life to see what we'll do. The grass always looks greener. There's nothing wrong with having fantasies, nor being tempted. It's what you DO that moment you're faced with the "forbidden fruit" that counts. What will you do? Choose "right" or "wrong"? It's a lot easier to pick "wrong" in the beginning, but the cost is usually way higher. You might always have these thoughts and feelings, and that's ok. Thoughts or fantasies are JUST thoughts or fantasies unless you step over that boundary and make them something else.

Answer 2

The thing is, this is something that will stick with you forever. You can't just "forget" about what has happened in the past, but you can forgive. Her affair still bothers you, and you should talk to her about it. Just tell her you don't want her getting upset about bringing this up, but let her know its bothering you for some reason. Communication is the key.

August is a bad month for me, and I notice every year its the same thing...I feel like I want to sleep that month away. It might be about the same for you. You said it has been about a year since this all happened. If thats the case then you are where you were last year at this time...emotional wise.

As far as sleeping with another woman, dont do it. Two wrongs dont make a right. It is a feeling that comes over a person who has been cheated on though. We feel the need to "get even" but in the end, it just hurts a relationship more.

There is a lot of emotion and healing that takes place when this type of thing happens. Just remember to communicate with your wife. Start writing thoughts and such in a book to get it all out. Maybe even let her read it so she knows how youre feeling.

Good luck with everything and remember time heals :)

Answer 3

Of course how you are feeling is normal. But remember the hurt and the betrayal that you felt when you found out that your wife had an affair on you. Could you honestly feel better if you were to turn around and inflict these same feelings onto her. How would this be getting back at her. The only thing it would do is hurt you both more.

You will always have the mental scars but how you deal with it now is up to you. Why add to those scars. Try and let your scars fade without inflicting more pain and unnecessary heartache.

Answer 4

I have gone through something similar when I wasn't married, and I did have a fling to get back at my boyfriend. But I was very aware at the time that more than 'getting back at him', it was giving me the power to leave him, as he well knew when he found out. It was one thing for him to cheat on me and me to suffer through that; it was quite another for me to find entertainment and affection in an affair - at that point, there was absolutely no point for us to stay together and he knew I was taking the first step away from him. Soon, I was gone from the relationship.
That's what happens. It's not part of the healing process; it's part of the 'getting up and walking away' process.
Why do you have thoughts of sleeping with another woman? Why do I have sex dreams that don't involve my husband! I mean, why is Tom Cruise having sex with me in my dreams! God doesn't consider that cheating, I'm sure.
The most liberating counsel I have read recently said that 'thinking something is not the same as doing it.' Seems common sense, doesn't it? But how many people know that today?
No matter what it is, if you think it and it sticks in your mind and you end up obsessing about it, it means you have to do it - where did that ridiculous notion come from in our society today? You can be poly-sexual, having sex with any gender, any age, any species, as long as your state hasn't legally prohibited it.... and just because you become fixated on the idea that it would be exciting to do it.
So, you can't forget the mental scars (we all have them, from different sources) and you wonder if it is normal. Yes, it is very very normal and no one is going to admit to you that their mental scars are lasting reminders of past emotional crises, either. But using those scars to do things that bring you even more pain, that's a common effect of rationalizing: I overeat because...., I cheat on my wife because .... , I drink too much because......
God knows your marriage is better. Cooperate with that instead of undermining it and Him.

Answer 5

Yes, I have been through exactly this. My wife had an affair a few years back. When I confronted her, she actually told me she wanted to continue to see him!

We are staying together for the children...I don't want to put them through a divorce.

My point of view was that she broke our marriage vows...once the vows are broken, the contract can't be broken again and can't be fixed without a lot of work on hert part.

I wanted a fling to get back at her. I also wanted to have a fling to "lower" myself to her level. I used to put her on a pedestal, but after she cheated on me, I felt different about her. I felt I needed to bring myself to her level in order to stay with her...(Note, these are honest feelings, I wasn't simply looking for an excuse to sleep around).

The difference is that I no longer love my wife...if it wasn't for the kids, we'd be apart.

Answer 6

Sweet Pea always remember two wrongs don't make it right. Yes it is common to be scared after something like this happens. See where you let God take over the devil always try to intervene. The best way to start a healing process is to forgive. When you truly forgive your wife for this mistake than the healing process takes over in your heart. I pray that will bless your marriage and heal the hurt you have. God bless!

Answer 7

Those feelings keep resurfacing because you're probably trying to force them to go away.
The next time you get that feeling, think it through. What would happen when you got caught? Would it be worth it? All that stuff needs to be thought out carefully. Weigh out the pros and cons. Chances are, you'll stop feeling this way if you take this logical approach and reassure yourself that revenge doesn't do anyone any good.
Have you sought counseling with a therapist or pastor? It can really help let go of some of what you're dealing with.
Stay strong, you can do it!

Answer 8

I feel the exact same way. My husband never cheated but had a problem with porn and lust.

Afterward I ended up with HUGE temptations to cheat on him, have sex with other men, I even started to lust over other men.... which I NEVER had done before..

You are completely normal, but we really shouldn't be "normal." God asks us to not be like the world. Yes, it sucks to be on the other side of an affair... but you know what? God will be glorified through your love and forgiveness to your wife. Look at Hosea and Gomer.

The only thing that gets me by is dismissing those thoughts, loving my husband REGARDLESS of how he feels about ME, and turning my face to Christ more every day.

Good luck!

Answer 9

It's "normal" to feel certain things, but it is "unhealthy" too.

It sounds like there are leftover scars.

First of all, have you openly communicated your thoughts and past ashes fromt the burn to your wife? If so, then allow "her" to be used by God to bring healing back into your marriage.

Since you mentioned "God", here is a few words of encouragement...

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Know that in marraiges, especially ones that a partner or both partners have been burned or hurt, the LORD gives "beauty for ashes", the "oil of joy for mourning".

In other words, He will REPLACE the former negative, with a current positive. How? By replacing those memories with new positive ones.

It's not simply about "forgetting the past", but as Paul says, it's "pressing TOWARDS the mark".

Do every single activity that you both enjoy, create as many fun, loving, happy, laughter-filled, emotionally-driven memories as possible. Trust me, it will be only a matter of time before the past is, well, the past.

Lastly, your thoughts of other women, stem from your carnal, natural nature. But, being in Christ, you are to become a "new creature...old things are past."

While others, esp. on here don't have that power to overcome, you can "do all things through Christ", which includes continually battling those thoughts. Forceably and verbally rebuke those thoughts, and master your emotions. Cause yourself to think about how good you have it, about how much you love and need your wife. Make sure she becomes your best friend all over again...

Because it's harder to sin against your best friend, than just simply, "a partner".

Blessings.

http://www.housefellowship.org
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Answer 10

I've gone through being cheated on. But have not wanted to sleep with someone to get back at him. I would think that as long as you don't act on this and inflict the same kind of pain you have had to deal with, you are okay. But I also cannot forget everything that has happened. This changed everything I thought I knew. And I can't trust anymore. I wish I felt as optimistic as you do. I think it is probably normal to want to (subconsiously or not!) inflict some pain right back at the cheater. I think personally I have done this by having some sick sense of enjoyment over his guilt and using it to my advantage.