Do I have a right to know my husbands passwords and to know who he is calling on his cell?

Question

Married 28 yrs, last 2 or so have been difficult. Awhile back he started his own email acct (in the past we've always had the same password) and I just found out last week that he is talking to classmates from classmates.com. He went out w/ 3 females he went to school with last week and I never knew he was talking to them until he wanted to meet up with them (2 are married, 1 is not). I lgot suspicious and looked in his cell and found a couple of contacts that I don't know who they are...when I questioned him about it he just said he talks to alot of people (which he really does for business) and that I should not be going through his stuff. This is the 1st time this has happened, however the last couple of years we've had some problems w/ our marriage. What do you think?

Answer 1

Since this is not normal for him and things have been difficult for the last two years,I think you do have a right to know what is going on in his life.You've always shared the same password and he changes it...meeting up with old classmates...did he invite you to come along! You have been his wife for 28 years...his behavior is suspicious and I would talk with him and want some truthful answers today! Would he want answers if the shoe was on the other foot...Don't wait....get to the bottom of this before you lose your marriage! Best wishes!!

Answer 2

No, after 28 years of marriage I think you should show a little more trust in your husband. There is nothing wrong with him talking to people he went to school with, male or female. I recently found a guy friend I was very close to in high school, talked to him on the phone for an hour and made plans to get together for lunch next time I'm in town. My husband didn't blink an eye over it. He knows here my heart is, he trusts me and he also realized how excited I was over seeing someone that I was once good friends with.

If it bothers you, try telling your husband that you don't mind as long as he is up front with you about it. It wasn't right of him not to mention having lunch with other women. But, if you approach it in a friendly way and let him know that you trust him he will most likely not feel as if he has to hide anything from you. Just talk to him and explain that this caught you off guard and made you a little suspicious but s long as he is honest about who he sees and speaks with then you are OK with it.
I think if you have been having problems it is very important not to be accusational and jealous. It could push him away and make him seek out these other women for more than just a lunch date. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

I wouldn't say that you have the right to have access to this information so much as he has an obligation to provide them to you to show you that he's not doing anything he shouldn't be. It sounds like you have some legitimate trust issues, and he needs to be cognizant of his role in creating/perpetuating them. Part of his response should be to reaffirm his love for you by not hiding things from you that you have reason to be suspicious of. I'd say that a private email account and dates with high school classmates would qualify. If it were just the email account, or just the phone calls, or just the "dates," it might be different. In his defense, however, there are legitimate reasons for the first two, and he DID tell you about the dates beforehand.

Because of this history, I say that you and your husband need a third party (marriage counselor) to help resolve this issue and others that you seem to be having. If he doesn't understand why this issue is about more than his privacy, you're going to need some help convincing him of it. Try asking him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. If he's honest with you (and himself), he'll get it. If not, he'll just say that you're being an insecure, nagging shrew, and to get over it If that's his response, call the counselor immediately!

Answer 4

I kept on reading many answers from other contributors and they keep on saying "no". I think that in order to trust someone in a relationship it is imperative to communicate important things like that. There is a reason why divorce is more common nowadays, technology. E-mail and cell phones are the main communication lines for a person to reach or even meet the person that they cheat with. Everyone that said "no" I just want to ask them if at work if they have a computer and a company owned cell phone doesn't the employer have the right to audit and request a log of your activity on the computer and phone? It is the same thing and even more important in a marriage to be able to do this since marriage is sacred. A job can be found anywhere. A person that loves you can't be found easily, and harder to find is a person deserving your love and trust.

Answer 5

Sounds like your husband has got caught up with something as a result of his online activities. A touch of mid-life crisis!

Legally, I would say you probably don't have a "right" to your husband's passwords, although if you ever get hold of his cell phone, you can find out for yourself what numbers he habitually calls, and perhaps check them out yourself. I think it's such a tragedy when two people have already got so much time invested in their marriage, and then something like this happens. The only thing I can think of for you to do - and what I would certainly do - is corner your husband and tell him very firmly "We are going to have a talk, and you are going to tell me what the heck is going on". Tell him that he is going to have to come clean and explain what has happened in these past couple of years or so, because things cannot go on like this, and...."We either work it out together, or I will have to consider my options" Hopefully that will get his attention, and either straighten him up, or he'll spill the beans and tell you the worst. At least you will know where you stand.

A lot of times, a man who has got comfortable in a longtime marriage, and then starts something he's got no business doing, will get a "short, sharp shock"back to reality if he is confronted by a wife who hints that she might be prepared to send him packing if he doesn't get back on track. I hope this might be the case in this situation. But you may as well confront him because it's going to come to that sooner or later.

Answer 6

Personally I don't think you have the right to know all his passwords etc.

I do hope hat he's honest in what he says... I do know my wife for 20 years now and she's been visiting friends of her aswell.
But... I don't want to hold her back or anything, I just hope... they have a good time.

I think it's better that he... told you something was wrong instead of you "chasing" him in order to find out. I can understand that your afraid. You could also honestly tell him what's bothering you, but "chasing" him would IMHO, only make things worse.

I suppose... you may also still have special feelings for some people which you've met before your husband, but that doesn't automatically have to mean you want the things from them you now have with your husband.

I can however imagine that you don't like the current situation and I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

Trust is a difficult thing. Have the problem over the past two years been trust related? Once he feels that you do not trust him then things can turn worse very quickly. I think that every person is entitled to a little privacy, but that does not give the right to violate trust or vows. Instead of making a big deal of it you should ask to go with them. Then you are trying to be a part of what he wants to do. That is a very legitimate request. Remember whether it seems right or not, relationships are held together with trust and the bedroom.

Answer 8

Well...I think that your husband is having fun behind your back and he uses his work as an excuse. Privacy is important and I think that the first thing that a relationship needs in order to work out well is trust. Well, after what you found out alone, you obviuosly can not trust your husband. He is hidding things from you. If think that a wife ahould be also a man's best friend so if he wants to talk or needs to, he should do it with you, and not on classmates.com. If you really love him and you think that your life would be in vain without him, and as a conseguence you are willing to forget everything you said above it's ok, but if you love yourself more, I suggest you to find out everything and to break up with him because he obviously is not able to make you happy, be honest with you and respect you.

Answer 9

Normally this stuff is just a matter of trust and you do not need to be checking up. But I think the lack of communication and trust on both parties account is symptomatic of the marriage problems you describe. Best to talk to your minister, a counselor etc.

The folks think that a spouse can have a private life aside from marriage are delusional and only want to be able to have secrets because they are ashamed to tell their spouse. And that should tell you something.

Answer 10

You don't have any legal right to his password or contacts, just as he doesn't have one for yours.

You are both at fault here. You should not be snooping. It perpetuates mistrust and makes him want to hide more. He should have told you about talking with these friends.

You say you've had some "problems" in the marriage. What have the two of you done as a couple to resolve them? I would suggest some couples therapy to try to get to the bottom of this.