should i forgive and forget?

Question

i gave my husband the ultimatum me or his online affair
i left he came after me and chose me but how do i get past that he has done this to us
my trust every time i hear him type on his computer i think hes talking to her
i new his password until all this has happened but now since last night he changed it all i want is for my trust to be true
and his for me should i tell him to get a new email address cos she sends him emails all the time i asked him how anxious he was to talk to her and he said a 6 out of ten
i am gonna change his pass word so that only i no it is that gonna help he has agreed to this because he wants to save our marriage to i told him its gonna take time for me to get my head around this but i dont think he aknowledges how much he has hurt me i dont have any one to talk to about this so plese help should i forget it has ever happened or try and deal with the fact he has feelings for another woman

Answer 1

My husband had an online thing with a woman. He ended it and things have been going very well for us for over a year. He spends very little time on the computer now. However, if I ever suspect he has an interest again, I know how to permanently disable the internet. It is completely possible to live our lives w/out it. We will continue to use the computer for our finances only. As far as our relationship, we have worked hard at some issues that have been swept under the rug for alot of years. We are both doing well and I have trust in him again. I haven't forgotten what he did with the affair, but I'm not angry at him anymore. It makes sense that he did it becaause we were very unhapppy with each other for a long time. Please try to work it out with your hubby. In our case, it was worth it.

Answer 2

I know everyone always preaches forgive and forget, but its very hard to do. First you have to forgive in order to start healing, but I don't think you truly ever forget the trust that was lost or the hurt that was caused by the others actions. Forgiving takes time and it can only happen (I believe) when the other person is truly sorry and CHANGES their behavior. With your husband admitting he is anxious to talk to the other woman and still on the computer (probably already talking to her and more than likely the phone too), you are not going to be able to start your healing process because he is not showing you he has changed. Until he shows you he is serious about making the marriage work, I would leave him. Then if he truly changes and you want to give it another try, that is your decision. Only you can decide what is right for you, the answers you get on here are sometimes not based on personal experiences, only their take on the situation. What I am saying is we don't know how you or him feel - so you have to decide what is best for YOU. I will say if I were you, I would leave him. He doesn't sound like he is ready to move on from his affair. Even if he never has met the woman, an online affair is just as bad. Its emotionally involved with someone else, sharing stuff with them instead of your spouse. My advice is to move on if he can't become the husband you need, if he can quit his online affair, then maybe marriage counseling can help you both. But most important don't blame yourself, it has nothing to do with you!

Answer 3

Tough question. I am going to tell you something that perhaps is not the answer you are looking for or the answer you probably expected.
No matter what we all may think or the best advice we can give you here, the last word is up to you.
You have to go very deep inside you, make a real insight and take that desition by yourself, completely convinced that either side of the road you decide to go, this is the best desition.
And this is not something you can decide over a week's time. You need some time, and no matter what, this feeling will come to you again from time to time. But if you decide to forgive and forget, just do that. Do not use this as a weapon for future arguments. It is easy to say forgive and forget, but hard to do. The problem is not the wounds. The problem are the scars.
You know your husband better than any of us do here, and you know how much you love him or how much he loves you.
You have to put things on a scale and see what's best. Like we say here watch out for the forest ahead, not just the tree in front of you.
My advice if you want, is to commit him to completely cut out the emails and contacts of any sort with her from once at all. Not something gradual. Just make a new email acct and tell your friends about it.
And a lot of compromise and effort on his side will be needed, on a constant basis. Not just now because he is scared to lose you, and after some time go back to the same.
If he truly loves you he will have to seriously commit to doing this. Also a profesional therapy may help you. But whatever you decide, the most important thing is that you dont have to blame yourself. It has nothing to do wiht you
Best of luck

Answer 4

It is hard for me to believe that anyone who is happily married would ever cheat. I feel that maybe the two of you have taken each other for granted and unfortunately men are so very weak when it comes to the 'flesh'. When we are married, especially for long periods of time, we tend to lose that fire that we had while dating and during the beginning of our marriage. What man would ever want to leave a woman who pampered, respected, cooked dinner every night, made passionate love to him each night, cares about how she looks, and made him feel like the most important person in her life? Honestly, I don't know any man who would stray, unless they were just a fool or idiot.
My advice it to first remove the computer from your home for a while. The first step is getting rid of most of the problem. Messageing and emailing is extremely addictive. It's fun and exciting.....and your husband prolly feels sexy and wanted when he talks to this other lady.
Second....buy the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". If you have a good man, and I believe that he is....just a little messed up right now, this book will change your relationship. Women have the POWER in the relationship. They are the foundation that holds the pieces together, so it is up to you. You make the first move and you man will gladly follow your lead in matters of the heart. Start tonight by saying from this day forward I will do everything to keep this relationship together. Everyone makes mistakes and falls short at times, but we pick each other up and move on because this is only a small part of the big picture....the love you share. Tell your man you are gonna fight for him and that you have faith in him that he is strong and can overcome this weakness and that you are gonna be there with help and encouragement.
Do whatever it takes...if you have put on a few pounds, start working out, eating healthier, get a makeover and new hairstyle. Look your best for him as if you had just met. Dress up for your man, fix him dinner everynight, make passionate love to him, and cherish every moment you are together. Call him at work to say 'I love you'. Put everything in this relationship to make it work.....I bet you worked alot harder at making him happy before you were married, right? Why should it be any different now? In fact it should be more important.
Third...the two of you should try and seek counseling. Just for the simple fact of laying to rest what has happened and putting it behind you so you can move forward. Talking to someone always helps.
Good luck to you!!!!

Answer 5

He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. If he does not wish to share his password with you then he obviously does not wish you to see where he is going or what he is doing on the computer. Not a great sign. Until he shows you that you can trust him again, you will not be able to forgive. Trust must be earned. At this point, he should be showing and sharing with you what he is doing on the net; not concealing it. His actions will allow you to make the correct choice. It is an ongoing problem and you can't ignore it and must talk with him again. Many an internet chat has ended up in an affair. Cut the computer time down and start doing other things together to replace it. Show him how much more fun it is to be with a real flesh and blood woman, not a bunch of words or pictures. Good luck

Answer 6

I always beliv that the most important part of the relationship is trust so f u decided to get back together, i see that u should trust him again.Cos it would be very worthless f you guys are together but you know for a fact that you dont trust ur husband anymore.Im not the best adviser but i believe that if you chose to be with your husband again after an infedelity, this should be the time of forgetting those bad memries that your husband did.Its not easy to just forget, that he hurt you before but it would be very unfair on ur husband's part f u still dont trust him. And most importantly, youre losing your own peace of mind.
Get some time first for yourself. I think ur still in pain thats why it so hard for you trust him again..
When you get back and finally chose to be with him, learn to leave the past behind.
I always believe that every relationship deserves a second chance f both parties know how to forgive each other.

Answer 7

Resently the same happened to me. And it sucks. It will be really hard for you to forgive and next to impossible to forget. I have tried, but then the smallest of doubts send me into the downward spin again.

You need to tell him you feel betrayed. You need to make him understand that what he has done has hurt you so much. Let him know how it has made you doubt yourself, how you now are wondering about your own sex appeal and how it has made you ask yourself what did you do to make him do this.

Ask him why would he even do this to you. Don't let him put the blame on to you, because you are not to blame. Just remember you are the innocent party in this. He is the one who has done wrong.

I know you think changing his password will be enough, but it won't, you will find yourself checking his emails all the time, until you are so sick of looking at it.

You really need to ask yourself if you are really willing to live with this. He has said that he is 6 out of 10 anxious to talk to her, this should have had warning signs going off in your head.

I feel for you, and wish only the best for you. If you do decide to try and work it out, try and get both of you to speak with a professional. All your feelings have to come out and be resolved.

Answer 8

the answer is you should forgive your husband because you are not doing him a favor but this is for your own sake to unleashed the burden on your shoulders...forget because it will just add pain and misery to you..but you should not tolerate this wrong doing because you are just letting him to commit mistakes infront you...be clear with what you want then let him choose if its you or the woman online? of course when he comes running back to you he shloud let go of the person online....because definitely since he is a man he might be tempted to see her until the affair deepens more...and this is not good for you as his wife....Please to talk to him once more for the last time....ask him how much he loves you then look at him through his eyes...you will know if he is telling the truth or not......if he really wants to save your marriage then he will do everything in his power to resist the woman online....every couple undergoes this kind of situation but what matters is the LOVE you have for each other not the hurts and pains you have inflicted on one another...and one more thing when he says its over with the girl online believe him because trusts will once again emerge.....remember the feeling why you both became husband and wife...from there you will know what to do..
take care and hoping that your relationship will flourish until the end of time...

Answer 9

I don't know, I think that if he just changed his password last night, it sounds fishy and he still wants to talk to her. I would just leave him. He could just as well get a new email address and email her from there without telling you. The only way to address this is to get some kind of spyware on your computer so you can see what he's been doing. I'm of the mindset that if you cheat on me in any way, there's no going back...we're done.

Answer 10

Either you have forgiven the man, or you haven't. If you have, stop baggering him about it. He and this person have never met. They were never intimate, so stop acting like they were lovers. Your pride may be hurt, because he was enjoying the conversation of another woman; but that's something you have to deal with. And who are you to change his password? He is a grown man and he can certainly do this for himself. You need to grow up. Perhaps if you were more of a woman, your husband would be more inclined to talk to you, instead of a computer.

If you continue to whine over this, the man is going to stop caring. He may want to save the marriage now; but if you keep putting him on guilt trips and trying to control his every movement, you're going to loose him. You'd better get your head around this pretty quick, girlfriend. Otherwise, you're going to end up alone!