Should I step in or just let this go?? Adult and Teens welcomed to this question.?

Question

My son is 97lbs, 14 yrs old and approx 5'2". He had this heavy set, black girlfriend who seemed to be very sweet. My husband and myself met her parents several times whom seem to be down to earth and not racist and enjoyed my son's company.
His g/f would call here constantly. Well, she came to my son yesterday and told him that she was no longer going to be his friend because "her" parents were making fun of "my" son because he was white, and small, and that her parents would laugh and make comments to her while she was on the phone with my son.
I AM REALLY PISSED! I know deep down inside that he needs to learn about heartbreaks, but this is just way too racist! We teach our children that looks or race, has nothing to do with anyone, it is what is inside that counts the most.
NOT ONCE did we say to him to find a "white" girl, or she is too heavy for you.
I want to call her mom in the worst way and tell her how we feel!
Should I let it go?

You know? You all seemed to be thinking that she is lying. That could be very true! I just feel so bad for my son because he is small and shy and it's not his fault of his charactor traits. I know I can't fight his battles and I have raised him into a well mannered young boy with respect to women.
It's just a shame, and as a parent, I don't want to see my children hurt like we all have been hurt from past relationships. I guess this is all part of learning and growing up. But STILL..........I am really annoyed!! Putting that mildly.

Answer 1

I am white raised by a non-racist family. I am married to a Black man. My family accepted him with open arms. His family after 3 years can not accept me still. My point is Racism comes in all colors...not just white against black.
You going off on girlfriends mom will just further their views against whites. Use this as an opportunity to educate your son. Even though you may not be racist we do live in a racist society and your son is experiencing racism..this is part of what to expect when you get out into the world.You should talk with your son about ways to deal and cope with racism when he is exposed to it. Always teach him ways to fight against it in effective ways...if you are unsure about it yourself use this experience to further your development and explore and learn effective tools to use to combat racism. Use your anger in a positive way and be smart about how you attack racism.Going off on someone is about making you feel better but does nothing to fight for the cause....think about what it might be received like from them.Choose a smarter path.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear about your son's problem. It sounds like he got rid of the problem though or she did him a favor I should say by getting rid of him!..better sooner than later before they get too involved. I could have sworn I was about to read, "and she's pregnant," when reading your question so I suppose you can count your blessing there!We don't know if the girl's making it up and using her parents as an excuse for a break-up or not.This is prob extra traumatic for you. Just as his 1st physical, "owwie," prob killed you this is the first relationship, "owwie," you have to deal with. If her parents did in fact say that then they may also be the type who would relish the thought of the fact that they got you all worked up..they'd feel very powerful and satisfied! Also, you're just raising your blood pressure and pro-longing this stress (and perhaps causing more depending on their reaction) by confronting them.What you CAN do is tell your son what I said in the beginning.Also ask him what he wants to do this weekend that would make him really happy, or what's his favorite dessert you can bake him/or buy him.Tell him that there is a girl out there who is much better for him than this 1 and try to reassure him that he's so handsome that many more girls will find him attractive and want to date him (at that age they don't realize that..as if they just missed the last stop on the block!).Remind him that there's nothing wrong with being white. He's a fabulous size and he's much more healthy than boys who are too big who can't fit in seats anywhere, get diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, organ probs., etc! Maybe that will help him see the bright side! If you need to vent your anger write to your local paper or a magazine about how you feel about racism...or when all else fails I workout or lift weights really hard. Those are great stress relievers. You'll be fine...Look at the whole picture. Years from now you, let alone He will barely remember the girl's name.

Answer 3

That is really messed up. I feel bad for your son. Those parents are setting a bad example for their children. In my opinion, they didn't mean anything by it and were just teasing her. Which is bad. Sadly it seems that his ex took it to heart and broke up with your son. Her parents need to grow up. Calling them would only cause problems. But maybe, if you want to, you can call them and just say that your son was feeling bad, because he found out that they were teasing their daughter about being with a white kid etc. and tell them nicely that, that wasn't right. I'm sure they will apologize and make their daughter apologize and they can at least be friends. Chances are they don't even know they were the cause of the break up.

I also applaud you for being open minded and letting your children like whomever they like :D

Answer 4

racism seems to be one sided at times but in actuality, having contempt for another race is down right wrong. I think before you make any comments or confrontation, you should be more certain that these allegations are true. Being accused of racism is serious, especially under false pretenses and can escalate to bigger and more serious problems. She may be using her parents as scapegoats in such a way so she won't look like a heartless person. If there is a hint of veracity in what she says, then they should be confronted and justify the problem in a sophisticated way, without up-scaling to a grand fiasco. And as an afterthought of mine, all I have to say is good job on remaining open-minded and respecting your kid's decision and consulting before invading in his relationships. Hope everything works out...

Answer 5

wow this is totally complicated.

Unfortunately, you don't know exactly what the "black" parents said to their daughter, and what your son heard. Something could have easily been misinterpreted when related back to you. I don't imagine the other parents meant any harm, but I also feel like you do, that this is not the age group where poking fun at the skinny "white" guy is acceptable. It could also be that the girl just didn't know what to say when trying to break up with your son.

Kids are really impressionable at that age, and making any kind of comment where "white" or "black" could be construed as bad or good is not helpful in teaching racial awareness.

I think that's the final point. Your kid needs to learn about heartbreaks but he also needs to learn that it's not ok when anybody segregates or seperates based on race. And it's not you job to teach the girl that, but she needs to learn it too. You've met her parents, they're probably are down to earth, just like you said. But I'll give you a tip, your not really mad at the parents, because you don't really know anything about them, or what they said to their kid. You can be mad at the girl, but she's just a kid and still has a lot of things to learn. What your really mad about is racism. That's why you can't call her mom and tell her how you feel because that's you just going off, and assuming that they are racist. That's you hating racism and pointing the finger yelling "hate, hate, hate". It doesn't help, it'll just teach your kid that you should meet these kind of things with outbursts of anger and creates dissention between the "whites" and the "blacks".

So, I think what I'd do in your situation, is call the parents, and say something like."Hi, this is MOM, I'm the mother of BOY, something happened between GIRL and BOY that I'm not ok with and unsure about how to deal with it. I was hoping to talk about it with you and BOY so that he can learn about what is right and wrong.
"From what I can gather GIRL and BOY broke up recently. GIRL broke up with BOY, but one of the reasons she gave was that he was white. This is what I understand from what BOY tells me, I was hoping that we could have a family to family discussion about this, and take it as an oppurtunity to teach both our children about racism and why it's not ok, and why it's a big deal."

And really if you can turn this to a positive it's a big opportunity, not many families of different race actually sit down together and teach their children about racism. The issues surrounding racism are usually taught in schools and at home, and at home it's unfortunately one sided. Hell if I could make a "Teach-your-child-about-racism" Day it would model a family to family discussion between those of different races. And you have that opportunity. Good luck, I really wish you the best.

Answer 6

two wrongs don't make a right. It has nothing to do with your sons "friend". She cant help the fact that her parents are racist. Obviously, she isn't. Let it go, it happens everyday and your fourteen year old son knows about racism already. It's very sad that it happens, and it is wrong. I am in a predominately black neighborhood, and I seen alot of racism, but it is sadly apart of life.

Answer 7

I think this is a perfect opportunity to learn not only how racism can hurt but how if you let it interfere with everyday life, can be very damaging to relationships. I can understand your anger, but I honestly think its best for your son to learn from it and to sort out. You can't fight his battles, because he has to understand and be prepared for what life throws out. Its great that you've taught him whats morally wrong from right. But like us all he needs to learn the cruelties from the world and how to deal with it. If you want to do something constructive to let off your anger, explain to your son some positives... for example the learning experience and how life tends to move on. Good luck!!

Answer 8

Ok so there is 2 main options here...
1- The teen could have lied
2- She could have told the truth
both are very wrong if its a racial thing. Maybe calmly ask the mother if its true, and why she would act like that.

Answer 9

You know what that is completely rude and horrid. They are making their child feel bad about them self's with their little "jokes". There is no need for a parent to ever subject their child to such tasteless behavior. I myself wouldn't be able to not call the woman and let her have a piece of my mind. Of course I wouldn't be too rude about it, I'm sure that's what she would like. I feel very sad for your son and the girl, they shouldn't have had to go through that.

Answer 10

It may not be the parents. She may have been using them as an excuse.

14 is just out of middle school; there's still a lot of immaturity in kids. You don't know the full story. For now, comfort him (but not overbearingly!) and help him move on.