why would you put your old parents in a nursing home?

Question

isn't that sad? they took care of you for 18 years, gave you good education, made sure you become a good citizen of the society, and shared to you their wisdom. in return, you throw them out in a nursing home when they become old and useless, and make the caregivers responsible for them. it just doesn't sound right.

if one is willing, there's always a way. if not, there are plenty of excuses. making sacrifices for our elderly loved ones is the best gift we could give for the remaining years of their lives. in a way, it's also a sign of respect that their self-worth have not vanished with time, and a sign of gratitude for the sacrifices they made for us.

both my grandparents lived with the family until they passed away. grandpa was 96. grandma was 92. both were diabetics. sure it was burden to the family. but we found a way on how to deal with them, so we got by it.

Answer 1

Well I for one did not put my parents in a nursing home. I gave up a good paying job and a home to come back home to take care of my parents. Part of this story is in my profile. I am working part time now, but if it comes down to it, I will even give that up to stay home with them until the day they are gone. Mine are not going in no nursing home as I have worked in one and saw how some of the workers treat the folks in there. My parents are better off at home with me.

Answer 2

I am making the assumption that you are not in the senior citizen category yet. When you are young , it is normal to be idealistic about old age - Yes, our parents gave us their time, their wisdom, their care for 18 years . But then we grew up and became independent.
Its a different case when you are middle aged, and your parents become very old and frail. And the older you get, the older and frailer they get. This can go on for many, many years, not just 18...and they are getting worse, not better, as this time goes on. And so are we....it is not unusual for a frail person of 70 to be still looking after their extremely frail mother / father of 90.
As people become very frail, sometimes they also develop dementia which changes their personality. They need full 24-hour care, and can often be aggressive and combatative as well. Try to put yourself in the postion of having to take someone to the toilet, but they have already dirtied their pants,and you have to change them,but they don't want you to do that. Try showering them and putting clean clothes on, but their arms are so stiff, you can't get the shirt on, and they yell that you are hurting them. Try doing these things day in, day out, every day for years.
You describe "throwing them into a nursing home when they become old and useless...it doesn't sound right". I realise that this may not "sound right" to someone who has never been responsible for the care of an aged relative. You have not, I suspect, ever had to take this responsibility.
I'd suggest that if you think this is so sad, that you might like to volunteer in a nursing home for a while, and see how frail and needy these people are.
Yes, is sad...sad that we will all grow old, and some of us will become very frail and need care. But it is also sad that a person would judge anyone who is forced to put a parent in a nursing home. No-one does it lightly...it is a huge decision to make. Please try to see all sides of a situation before you make judgements.

Answer 3

After having worked as a caregiver for several years, I've seem both the good and the bad of homes. Often employees are not paid well, which doesn't encourage them to put much effort into learning the job. There are plenty of people working in the profession who really do care though, and go out of their way to make things easier for the clients and their families. Taking care of a child is easier, I think, because they are gradually becoming more independent... you know that by next year, they will be able to walk/dress/eat by themself. Adults, however, are going the other direction.

Carrying an infant around may be tiresome, but helping a fully grown person in and out of bed, in and out of the bathroom, and in and out of a wheelchair can lead to serious back problems. Like having kids, it is a 24 hour a day, 365 days a year job. When my family was caring for my grandfather, it put strain on us as a family because we could not go anywhere or do anything together outside of the house. He was in no condition to go out, and one person always had to be at home with him.

The best I can offer is that whoever is making the decision about putting a family member in a home needs to take the time to research what type of care will be needed, and find a facility that can provide this care, as well as access to hobbies or social activities the family member may enjoy.

Answer 4

My mother made it quite clear she wouldn't live with any of us, and she got nursing home insurance to ensure that she wouldn't be dependent on any of her children.

I would have had her in my home otherwise. The only reason I can see to put someone in a nursing home is if they need care that I am incapable of giving.

There's a lot of work involved in some cases: special diet, frequent turning to prevent bedsores, changing Depends, dispensing drugs, cleaning dentures, sometimes just sitting and nattering with someone who can't comprehend or respond.

There is also the matter of your family's safety. People with dementia can become combative. Is this what you want for your children? Aren't you endangering your children when you keep a combative patient in your home?

You seem to be quick to judge. Have you been in a caregiving situation?

Answer 5

Great question...here's a star!!! I would never ever do that to my dad...he just turned 70 years old and thankfully is still very healthy but me, my sister and my brother both had a long conversation about this very same thing and we all decided he would never go in a nursing home...we will step up and change his depends if it ever came to that because you are right, take care of your parents like they did you...my dad is the most giving man you will ever meet(he bought me a car, helped my brother buy a house and helped my sister and her husband with renovations on their house)we will give 110 percent back to him when he starts failing and getting sick!!!! My mother died suddenly last year at age 64 yrs old five days before my 2nd child was born so unfortunately i can't help her anymore but my dad moved in with my sister and family and sold his house just for company and in case, he gets sick!!! We are family and we will stick together through thick and thin!!

Answer 6

you have a pretty harsh view of this...and I do not think it is healthy. when others, regardless of who they are, become unmanageable, or become a danger to YOUR health, then the kindest thing to do all around is either call in help, or send them to where they will be cared for best...this isn't always a choice that is easy to make. But sometimes, there are no other choices. You make it sound as if people are heartless, when the opposite is true. IT broke my father's heart when he counld no longer care for my ailing mother, and neither could anyone else who was not fully trained to do so. Personally, I will never become a burden to my kids....no way. It is a very easy thing to say, "I would never do that." But the realities are far different that many think they are. Altzheimers, etc., and destroy a person, and that person becomes more than a person to care for...they can become a person we cannot care for and do the best we can for them.

Answer 7

It's very different when it's actually you in the situation. Sometimes a person becomes violent and a danger to themselves and others around them. I care for my mother and have done so for 7 years. It's extremely difficult and demanding and you can kiss your personal life good-bye if you choose to do this. I've chosen to take on this responsibility for the very reasons you mentioned. She's earned it. Not only for being my mother, but also because of her life and she was a USMC veteran. I plan to continue caring for her as long as I can. So far, so good, but things can change, literally, in the blink of an eye.

Answer 8

As someone who lost both her own Mother and Mother in law within the last 2 years, I feel like I have to say something here.
We kept our Moms in their own homes as long as we could, and then they lived with one of us.
BUT, and this happens to almost ALL older people. As they get closer to passing away there are mental issues, medication issues, the need for more medical care or therapies that we were not physically able to provide at home.
We chose our nursing homes with care, the staff at both of them were caring and considerate and they both had a 24-hour visiting policy.
We all do the very best for our Moms and Dads that we can. And sometimes getting them the best professional care possible is what is best for them.
We do not feel guilty about our choices - we know we did what was best for Mom and Mom.
Please don't point fingers till you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes. It's a tough walk with lots of tough decisions.

Answer 9

My mum and I would murder each other if we had to live together, she and I are worlds apart. I got her a home in a Sheltered Housing Complex, and she's as happy as a duck in water. She has a better social life than me nowadays and I'm really glad she's made some good friends, they are always off on trips somewhere for the day and out for meals and to the theatre. It wouldn't be like that if she lived with me.

Answer 10

I had promised my Mom she would never go but she became so ill it took a nurse to take care of her and I was there every day and most of the night and hired a sitter when I just had to have sleep, They are not what they should be, But never make a promise to anybody as you do not always know if that promise can be full filled,and honored.So very sad.