Any ideas on how to fix my marriage?

Question

We have been married for 4 years, dated for 2 before, he had a really bad temper. I always thought if I loved him more and was there for him more then I could help him get better. Well he has gotten worse over the years. (I'll spare you the boring details, let me know if I should add them). I do love him and we share two wonderful boys together. So I just don't want to give up. But i want to decide things together, and not be afraid to talk to him about things. Do you have any suggestions on what I might be able to do, so things are better between us? BTW he won't agree to go to counseling.

Answer 1

You, alone, cannot fix your marriage. You and your husband have to, together, acknowledge there is a problem and have to agree, together, to work on it.

It sounds to me like you are a victim of domestic violence. I don't know if it's physical or just verbal, but since you are afraid to talk to him, I am certain that it's at least one. There is nothing that you can do to stop him from being abusive to you, except leave him. By having more sex, by being afraid to speak up, by doing what he wants, you are encouraging the behavior. I'm not blaming you, I am simply trying to point out that the more you give, the more he will take. Just because you love him more does not mean he will love you more or treat you better. Abuse only gets worse (trust me, I see it all the time at work). You did not do anything to deserve this behavior!

I would encourage you to talk to a close friend, a pastor, your family and make a plan for you and your boys to leave. You need to set a good example for your boys and stop the cycle of abuse. You, and your kids deserve better. It has to be upsetting for your boys to see their dad treating you so badly.

I wish you a lot of luck. It won't be easy and there will be days that you will think that it would have been easier to live with the abuse, but you will be stronger in the end. You never know, maybe your husband will realize what a fool he's been and decide that he wants to be a better husband and father.

Answer 2

By bad temper you mean what? Abusive? Physically, verbally? I don't know about you but I can't live in the same house with someone I am afraid of. You say you are afraid to talk to him about things...Is that just a figure of speech or are you actually afraid? Does he take it out on your two "wonderful " boys? Becuse if he does, or if he is abusive o you in front of them then those boys will likely not grow up to be so "wonderful" So if that is your case perhaps you should think long and hard about that.
But I do not know because you weren't very specific. I could be way off the mark here

Answer 3

More proof that you cannot change anyone (man or woman) by marrying them. The mere possiblity that I MIGHT hurt someone I llove would have me in therapy tommorow. I would suggest he go to a different one than you, that way he can't use the excuse that the therapist is on your side. If you are at a church with a good fellowship program, he could get involved there and find what they call an accountability partner, which would be just another guy to keep up with how he's doing. Takes a bit of trust, but it helps.

One last thing I want to propose to you is to explore what he loses it over. I'm not making an excuse for him, but a lot of times if someone who is angry hears that someone is on their side or agrees with them, they're a lot less likely to pitch a fit (esp if its their wife)

Answer 4

Go to counseling without him. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to. You have to be able to set your own limits and make him responsible for his temper. You are not in control of how he feels or reacts to things. Trying to do that is bad for you and your family. The number one most important thing you have to consider is this:
What is the best thing you can do for your kids in this situation? That might also include asking yourself if them having a frazzled mother is as good as what they deserve. If you don't take care of yourself you are not as much good to them. Good luck. I have been there a couple of times in different ways with devastating details. It only gets better when you take the initiative to make it get better. It might also be that he needs the thought of losing you and the kids to make him see how much help he needs to change how he treats you and the boys. Feel free to e-mail me if you like.

Answer 5

It sounds like he is pretty set in his ways. And it's not your job to try and change him. It depends on what you want out of this. If he is not making you happy and more so, if he is making things worse and doesn't even want to take a step forward by going into counseling, then you have to decide if you want to live with that or not. My advice to you would always be - look out for a #1 and that's yourself and your kids. How does your relationship with him reflect on your kids? The mistake most people make is to stay in the wrong relationship for the kids. So, ask yourself - what do you want? Be strong. Be honest. Be free.

Answer 6

Traditional marriages might paintings if divorce used to be now not such an convenient choice, individuals took the time to quite recognise every different earlier to marriage and increased loved ones might butt out. I do not feel moment marriages/3rd marriages figure out too well as a rule,so I am completely towards remarrying whilst youngsters are concerned. My repair is pre-marital counseling with a minister. And for individuals to observe that they aren't going to be competent to mildew their new associate into what they desire. It's "what you spot is what you get" so open your eyes.

Answer 7

well i know how you feel i have kinda been there myself and well i have too say that unless you are willing to just live with what you have and think that is all you are worth , i guess( i would think you are worth more) and well i would have to say try all you options first and then go from there, you do all the things that you can do too try to make it better ( so that you know that you have done all that you can) and then i would have to say that if it does not work well you may want too look at other options that you may have. better that your kids come from a broken home then live in one ( well that is what i have learnt)
life will go on it is a matter of HOW you let it go on.
hope that is some food for thought if nothing else.

Answer 8

Since he won't go to counselling, the best way to deal with someones bad temper is to walk away, go somewhere for 30 minutes and then come back. First, tell him how it makes you feel and tell him if he continues to get upset and unleash his temper that you must go away for a while to allow him to get over it. I've had many of my clients try this, and it works for many. BUT...you must be consistent with your walking away when he does indeed lose his temper.

Answer 9

You can't love someone enough to change them. Change is hard, and it requires determination on the part of the person making the change. Does your husband think he has a problem with anger? If not, then he would have no reason to change.
While you can't change him, you can show him patience, love, and support. That does not mean letting him mistreat you or your children. You might consider counseling for yourself. If one person changes their behaviors in a relationship, it causes change in the relationship. That you can do.

Answer 10

well, no counseling, no leaving him. then, you need to change the way you deal with his temper. ignore it. don't feed it by responding to it. leave the room when he starts to get firey. tell him just what you said above because it's true and it's endearing because you really love him. tell him he'd regret it if the marriage ever ended so please do something about it. ask him if he'd ever show his temper in public. if not, then ask him not to show it in private either. i'm sure he feels really comfortable with getting a temper because you are still wilt him. if he felt that his temper was starting to change your mind about yoru marriage, would he stop? you may have to push a little bit more to really see who you are dealing with. your kids are learning all of this and could repeat his behavior in their own future relationship. do you want that for them?