How do I maintain my own sense of identity when interacting with strong personalities?

Question

Sometimes I find myself soaking up the stresses.. tensions.. joys (the latter is not so bad) of others, and their emotional whims play like a radio I can't switch off in my mind.

Is it time to keep my distance when this happens, or to stick around it and figure out how to work through it.

I have to admit.. I'm a little too fond of running...

Answer 1

They maintain their primary identity with their own culture, but they also reach out and make contact with the host culture. Adapting is what we are all striving for. To be satisfied, to be accepted somewhat by the French, to be able to function during everyday activities without added stress.

A good tool to help you understand your experiences, to help you understand the process of adapting is the U-curve. This curve illustrates the stages you can expect to go through while adapting to your new life here. The first stage is usually called the honeymoon stage - it is an initial reaction of enchantment and fascination. You think oh my gosh, I'm in Paris. You admire it all and are very friendly and cordial at this point. Then anywhere from a month to six months later, depending on who you are and your situation, you come in contact with the crisis stage. Here is when the initial differences in language, concepts, in values and in the way you get things done lead to feelings of culture shock, feelings of inadequacy, frustration, anger. Now this is obviously at the low point of the U and although the feelings of culture shock won't be as severe from day to day, week to week, this stage can last anywhere from 6 months to a year or more.

Now again, I don't mean to bring doom and gloom onto you but you need to know this. Knowledge is power and you now have the power to do something to lessen the shock. For example, this is where your social supports come in, where your ability to speak the language plays a role. The foundation you build now and in the first few months lay the groundwork for a successful adaptation down the road. I like to use the metaphor of the garden, right now your planting the seeds, you're nurturing the soil so when you do begin to grow in a real sense and not just remain in this enchanted honeymoon, you will have strength.

The next stage which moves on to the upswing of the U is called recovery. The crises you face become resolved by focusing on your own personal strengths and weaknesses, by applying what Ellen has to say in the next speech on things to do to enjoy France, and by simply finding out what works for you. At this stage people are speaking the language, learning about the culture and even finding humor in the mistakes they used to make. I like to visualize this stage in the garden as the point when the stem is healthy and strong and the wind can blow at it and the rain beat on it and sun scorch it but it stays firm because it has a life purpose - the bud is beginning to open - and when it does, when it blooms, you've reached the last stage, that of adjustment. You're enjoying the culture, you're being productive in it, you feel "at home." While there still will be occasional instances of strain and things you will not agree with the French on (for instance the education system), you can take on these new challenges more lightheartedly and you can handle day to day tasks with more efficiency and ease.


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You have bloomed where you're planted. Not a shabby thing to strive for and certainly a goal that can be attained. The best thing you can do right now to get started is to become actively involved in some kind of group. n Depending on what you plan to do here and the amount of time you intend to be here will help direct you to the right group for you. Some people find it more enjoyable and challenging to interact with a host group while others find it comforting and refreshing to discuss one's experiences with fellow nationals. Whatever your case may be, get involved! Another important step that you can take today as well, is to begin to develop relationships outside your immediate family. This is valuable because the normal stresses of cross-cultural adjustment become magnified when couples do not have friends outside their partnership. So try and get a phone number today and immediately follow-up this week with lunch, for example.

Another recommendation that is very useful, especially for you Americans, is to do some reading up on political parties and you own history of America. Europeans, especially the French, love to discuss and debate and argue over these things and it actually quite fun. This is something proactive that you can do - seeds that you can plant - so when you get to the recovery or adjustment phase you can take part in this lively aspect of their cultural life with informed opinions.

This will also help you during the crisis phase as a consistent, weekly activity, such as reading, is very important. Find a cafe near your home or in a section of the city you like to be in and go there to read at the same time every week; not only will you be getting out and disciplining yourself, and preparing yourself for future debates, but you will be seen on a consistent basis by the locals and in turn you'll be making contacts on your own, a technique my friend has mastered - she goes to the same cafe at the same time every week and it is so fun to there with her now, they treat her like royalty. And she knows about their families and they ask about hers, and it is a very good feeling for all parties involved.

The last thing I recommend is to look upon culture shock as a normal part of the process, a necessary part of the process. A seed doesn't just instantly become a beautiful flower, there is work involved. And although this work is difficult - it can also be positive and challenging and motivating. It's up to you.

Answer 2

People have the right to express views or to behave in a manner which is not illegal (although in some places in the world, what they have criminalised should not be in this day and age). I think what I want to think and would join any group that I feel comfortable with. I do not cause trouble with other people when expressing my views. The only problem in society is the pressure on teenagers to look and feel like those celebrities - in particularly those from TV, music and movies. Fortunately for me, as a teenager in the 1990s, I was an individual who was more into academics than fashion or popularity.

Answer 3

From self-experience (limited though that may be..), I might recommend diffusing your mind with a completely new perspective - one that correctly labels all aspects of life. This includes associating certain things as absolute (to this world) and a matter of perspective, aka personality. According to my research, many brain chemicals serve to initiate/inhibit production of other chemicals. I'm wondering if your brain as a structure is a mere functional assistant to surviving in the world, one that is constantly plagued by these instinctual drives, like beauty and fear. If one thinks about it, fear is all psychological, along with all desires!

When a person finds he/she can perceive, what is it that drives him/her to further this? If curiosity is an answer.. curiosity is merely an action of brain chemicals, nothing more, right?

Therefore, I feel one's own identity (in the question's sense) is a consequence of brain chemicals, and can be chosen by the 'identity' of the individual. One always has an identity.. thus, one can always choose to show it or not.

And another thing: remind yourself of what and why you're running, yea?

Answer 4

keep your distance if you cant handle it. otherwise learn to ground yourself, that is, not to take other peoples problems to heart. there are different methods to grounding yourself, but this is generally an eastern medical theory and most westerners find it hokey. learn to meditate. take yoga if meditation is too difficult(and it is difficult at first), and learn to relax and calm yourself. both are wonderful tools in grounding yourself and can help you to help others tremendously.
also learn the snowball effect of thinking. ever notice that when you start to think about negative things your brain can just make it worse and worse until the world is going to end? you can train yourself to stop this flow and this is why i suggest yoga or meditation...it can help you turn off your brain when it's being negative, or when you're taking in other emotions, stresses etc.

Answer 5

To maintain your own sense of identity, be yourself. Don't feel inferior, you have to be honest and sincere in your words and actions. Don't keep distance, better keep in touch to good strong personalities, you will also learn from their ideas, thus, you will overcome from your feeling of insecurity and shyness.

Answer 6

If they are your friends it's natural to take on some of their feelings.

When you feel overwhelmed take a step back from the situation.....realizing this is really not about you.

Also you should develop a strong self-identity for yourself.....it sometimes takes work but you'll feel better about yourself when you know who you are.

Answer 7

stress, tensions...not good for u. but it can teach u a good lesson about urself. just hold in there. everything will be okay......

Answer 8

You don't you find good friends first.

Answer 9

By realizing that you are just as strong!

Answer 10

emotions overwhelm you, just listen but distant yourself emotionally, it's their emotions or problems not yours.