hey keven s!!! how about "eye of the beholder" revised?

Question

"Eye of the Beholder"

You search for heart's passion
and discover heart's pain.
Give all in possession
with nothing to gain.

The Garden of Eden
now desert's dry kiss
The Angel of Heaven
and Demon's abyss.

Daybreak's long shadow
and midnight, the moon.
New birth comes screaming,
long sleep softly soon.

Answer 1

To recap what I've posted in your "other" revised copy...

It appears you've done quite a bit of editing here. I agree with the change of "heart" in the second line to "love", but you could have done it the other way around and said "search for love's passion and discovered heart's pain"...it could go either way.

You've changed lines three and four...and in so doing, the tone as well. Rather than presenting opposites, you are now speaking to the audience. As such, "give all in possession" is not really correct...you might try "give all your possessions" . You don't have to worry about the rhyming line because you're not really doing abab anyway (at least you're not doing it in the last stanza). Your original poem provided a better dicotomy, but if you want to keep the possession/gain concept going, you might want to edit the four line so it stands out a little better...with is a weak beginning to an antithesis line.

Welcome to the irritating world of editing...what to keep, what to change, what to throw away...never an easy decision. This is why you should always keep your original and all your revisions...you sometimes walk too far away from your original vision. One of the key things to keep in mind during any revision is: do I want to just correct the hard spots, or revise the images? In this case, you've revised the images, and to a certain extent, the form as well. I think your original poem was truer to your original intent, but there is certainly nothing wrong with changing the direction of your poem...if that was what you intended. If this change occured because you were trying to fix a few lines, then you might want to go back and review your original poem again and see if you changed it too much.

If you want to change directions, as you imply in your revision, then you open the door for more suggestions and possible changes. For example, you say "the garden of Eden, now desert's dry kiss"...but this is not just a statement of opposites, you're implying a change here...something you don't do in the other stanzas...is this what you intended? If not, you should state "a desert's dry kiss" or "the desert's dry kiss" as a presented opposite to the Garden of Eden. Along those lines, the last stanza's second line might work better if you said, "midnight's shadowed moon"...and if you want to amplify the dicotomy, you could change the first line to read, "Noon's absent shadow"...as this would give you the internal rhyme of moon and noon as well...and it is closer to your original poem. However, daybreak's long shadow is a good image...it just doesn't contrast as starkly as "noon".
Jumping back to the second stanza, "the angel of Heaven" line could be improved if you say, "An Angel's bright Heaven", followed by "A Demon's dark abyss". Here too you get aliteration of "an angel" and demon's dark", plus the opposite factor of bright and dark. Just a suggestion.

...you're brave enough to try severe editing...that's a plus. I'd suggest you go back to your original and ensure you're editing in the right direction, and if so, keep at it...you're in the groove now :)

I know the process can be irritating and frustrating, but it's how you grow as a poet...and the more you edit, the more possibilities you see and the better you get at self-analysis. ...keep writing