My husband and I are under a tremendous amount of stress right now. We don't seem to be working as a team?

Question

anymore. How do I get him to understand that we need help each other when times get tough as oppose to him "shutting down"? I am a talker, a lover, I need affection when I am stressed... he wants to play video games, study and basically be left alone. We have two wild young boys that are just about to drive us both crazy. Again He leaves it all up to me to handle....

I just wish he could see things my way. I feel like Im running on empty and the person who Im supposed to count on most is MIA when things get tough.

Am I the only one who married into this kinda deal? Is my hubby being a jack *** or are most men like this? I just dont know anymore!!!

I just wanted to add that our boys are not out of control. They are wild because they are 1 and 4yrs old and have a TON of energy. They are not "bad" or "unruly" - they are just a handful. So to all those folks who have comments about my parenting or my kids ... shut it!!! This wasn't about my kids. It was about my husband and I and the situation we happen to be going through.

Also - I wasn't trying to dog my husband. I love him dearly! He has just changed a little lately and it isn't working too well for "us". But I guess change takes some adjusting.

Answer 1

This is normal stress reaction.

1. you both are running on empty
2. you are both MIA for each other
3 and you both are being some kind of animal
4. and you both don't know what to do
5. nether of you can figure out why the other is acting the way they are. Many times asking yourselves "why can't he/she just love me for me?"

result you both hold it in a stew in it.

Answer: get some help, Professional, Family, Friend, etc. or
get a couple of bottles of wine, get stupid, let it all out, and talk about it. try to stay away from " you " statement. use the " I " word. example " I feel like you don't want to be here when you play v-games, and ignore what going on in the house" Communicate what you are feeling and not what you judge him doing wrong.

You two are a team, teams, go through good times and bad. If members of a team never talk about whats wrong they can't fix it. Make a plan and work the plan.

There are too many books to list, so I won't. but work as a team.

Answer 2

There are two types of men. A man that deals with the situation and attempts to fix the issues at hand or a man who withdraws and goes into his cave, which is easier for him to do then just communicate effectively and fix the problem.

Not all men but many unfortunately live in the old ages and leave most all of the child rearing and responsibilities up to the wife. They don't have a problem wanting a baby and donating the sperm but when the daily realities of parenthood, responsibilities and discipline are required they take a back seat.

Have you spoken to him and told him what your needs are and what you need from him? Tell him you need him to be an involved partner and team mate. Tell him you understand that he is under stress as well and needs some alone time but when times are the toughest you need communication, support and affection. Tell him thats when you could use a hug and a kiss the most. Men unfortunately aren't mind readers and sometimes it takes telling them a few times before they "get it". If you have already communicated to him about your needs and he just chooses to ignore and retreat then you may have a "passive aggressive" man on your hands which is extremely difficult to have an effective relationship or marriage with.

Talk with him, give him a little time and if you still don't see any change I suggest marriage counseling.
It won't hurt and it could do a world of good !

Good luck !

Answer 3

Be realistic about what's stressing you out as a couple and as individuals. If money is the issue, then some sacrificing will be necessary. And that's a whole other conversation.

Allow him to de-stress/unwind his way; You do it your way; then get together and talk about one thing that does note evoke stress (or at least look at the funny/humorous side of it). And leave it at that for the moment.

Talk to the boys and tell them you need them to work with you (play more quietly, pick up after self). Kids understand more than we give them credit for.

If you've got the wider shoulders, he needs to lean on you until he can walk alone. Unfortunately, It's not always 50-50.

If you're weighed down by it all and have no more to give, ask for some help/respite/advice from someone (family, pastor, counselor, friends).

I hear this scenario all the time and it's important to be able to center yourself (de-stress yourself) because sometimes, that's just how it is...but we have to keep going...with or without the spouse.

Answer 4

Maybe your husband should save some of this money he uses for gifts and hire a babysitter so that you and he can get away for a weekend for just the two of you. I would assume you are needing to spend some time with him, just the two of you. I think you are feeling alone for the most part, although I understand that you both work the different shifts to avoid paying a babysitter and thats great. I am sure the little guy is happier in a home setting than a daycare setting. But once in a while its ok to have someone else maybe come in and take care of him while you two enjoy each others company and rekindle the relationship you are missing. Good luck.

Answer 5

Men and women are wired differently. Women need to hear affection while men are more touch-driven. Men want to come home and just find peace, and women need to talk! The trick is to find a compromise: you need to recognize when he's had a bad day and just needs shut-down time, but he needs to pick up on it if you had a bad day and need to talk about it. Plan a date night and propose some compromises: maybe he can take the boys out to dinner and leave you at home in a bubble bath (may even get him some fringe benefits!), and the next night he gets a couple of hours of video game time without complaint.

Answer 6

Its normal for this to happen in a relationship. because the last thing in a relationship you worry about it the two of you. now that kids and living arrangments come into play. However, the purpose of a marraige to to sustain all these things as well as your love for each other.

try setting a date where the kids have a baby sitter and have 1 day a week to you and your husband. Try and re-kindle the love between you two. go out and have dinner. Or dates that you used to have prior to children.

if he still then dosent understand and give you the attention you deserve- then i suggest a marrage counselor. Other than that would be up to you guys. I never like to suggest divorce unless he's cheating.

Answer 7

You are not alone! This sounds very familiar and the self-help bookshelf is full of how to deal with this very situation. It sounds very much like Mars and Venus (see Grey's book) and classic male and female differences. However, that doesn't mean you don't need more support and he doesn't need to learn new skills. I doubt that there is a quick solution to this but both of you will need to realize what's going on with yourselves and each other. It will require work and love and comittment. The good news is that lots of couples go through this and lots of couples come out on the other side with marriages that are better and stronger.

Answer 8

dont worry to much, being a man we have just different coping mechanisms,if video games help him get out of it for a while then that should be ok,same as if you go to the gym or just take time out with friends,try not to be joined at the hip,this will just stiffle things and will just push him away.you must try to set out time for each other.eg.the two of you make time to go and have lunch at a bar or just a drink.something along those lines,even just taking the kids to the park.slow and steady!(ive been in the same boat and i know it isnt nice,but you must remember live is full of ups and downs) you can do it... good luck.

Answer 9

You can only control yourself. Your children should not be driving you crazy. You should have more control over them. You can't control two young boys that you created and you're trying to control a grown man. Maybe if you spend your time getting you children in order, that can calm some of the stress you and your husband are having. Until you get your children under control you will always have problems.

The problem most women have is they talk to much. Be quiet, you can't learn anything if you're always talking. Another problem is most women fuss and nag. You get more with sugar/honey. You're talking about your husband, what is your problem, you might be the problem. Examine yourself and if you find something you need to fix it.

I'm a woman by the way...

Answer 10

Mother of 2,
No you are not the only one put in this poison. what you have to do is leave the house with him on the video while the kids are being wild. Let him disciplines them for a change and keep doing it till it sinks in he has to help too.