What do you think of my writing style?

Question

This story isn't finished, but I would like to get some feedback on my writing style. Thanks:

http://www.testriffic.com/story/NINfan07/17803

Answer 1

Not bad...you have a couple of spelling problems, "affluent" and "extravagant". Kind of engaging style, but, well, I'd characterize it as "light". And if I picked this up and read the first page I would be saying to myself, "Hey--is this a Christian novel/story?" There is just that little righteous undertone suggesting your character is one of those unsaved people who think they're doing fine but are going to find out they're not. At times, if the entire work ends up to be reasonably good quality I'm willing to overlook this--for example I can tolerate Francine Rivers--but it is definitely not my choice when it comes to literature.

Having said all this, I realize I'm being hard on you. Actually it was a good descriptive opening that made me interested to know what was going to happen to whatsername after she gets done with the shopping. Interested, but I'm not sure I cared all that much. Maybe something more about what was going on in her head, something more direct maybe, since you did give an overview of her christmas shopping, would have engaged me more with her character.

Certainly what you have here is as good an opener as you find in many published works, so keep at it.

Answer 2

It is well formatted and the story seems to be interesting. However, I can't figure out where it is going. Is she going to steal the watch? If she has the air of the expensive world, why bring up that she has a job and it does not pay well. You need to get a hook.... something that grabs you in the first two paragraphs that will make the reader want to read the book.
When I am in a book store looking for something to read, I grab a book and read only the first two paragraphs. I do not who the author is or what the book is about. But if the "hook" is good I buy the book.

Answer 3

The opening sentence is a very nice rhythm to start with. It isn't too short it isn't too long and it brings you appropriately into the story.

By the end of the first paragraph I noticed you have a tendency to (slightly) over-describe things. I have a similar problem with my writing, but I think an important thing to work on is only saying enough to get your point across. For example "...seemed somehow to have replaced the nativity as the purpose of the holiday." could be said "seemed to have replaced the purpose of nativity." Readers can infer from previous sentences that it is referring to nativity in relation to Christmas, and it cleans up the flow a little.

Another example is in paragraph 2, first sentence: "...standing in line at the checkout with..." could be said simply "...standing at the checkout" or "standing in line" because again it is easy to infer as to where the customer is standing in line or what they might be doing at the checkout.

"Air of afluence" is a great descriptive term. I would say keep this, it says a lot about your character with only a short, strong phrase.

I'm assuming, given the very...specific date, that this story will eventually come to a point of some global type of catastrophe. It is good that you start with all of these seemingly mundane christmas shoppers because it sets a mild tone for the reader and in contrast when the Mayan predictions (assuming this is what you are writting about) begin to come true, it will seem much grander than if you were beginning in an alley with someone being shot, in which the reader might feel lied to and cheated regarding the story's conflict, and also this makes the first conflict seem insignificant next to the larger conflict, thus why should be care about any life if one is made to be unimportant?

All in all I think the writing is, though not much, a little heavy with description. I think even though I cringe at simplicity in writing, I think you can compromise and say complex things with simpler sentences. It all depends on what you can imply with previous sentences and inferrences. Even though I'm the last one to trust an audience with my work, it may be hard to get one if you lead them too much.

You may disagree with some of my suggestions, and feel free to tell me to go to hell because it's your writing. Anyways, these are just some opinions and suggestions. You definitely have a writer's tone with your work, but with a little editing and housecleaning you can let it show through even better.

Answer 4

OK ... let me get out my red pen here because you need a good edit.

First of all, are you a NYer? Because I am and I get a very good sense of space from you - like you really do know NY at Christmastime. Your imagery is pretty good.

But - simplicity is your friend. Your sentences run on WAY too long.

"The signs on Broadway were flashing advertisements for expensive Christmas gifts from Tiffany's and Calvin Klein, and just off Broadway, in Macy's New York, countless shoppers were lining up to buy the overpriced trinkets of silver and cloth that seemed somehow to have replaced the nativity as the purpose of the holiday."

Two different thoughts here. Thought 1) The signs flashing advertisements 2) Shoppers in Macy's. You could even make a case for making the third thought the part about the Nativity .. I would even say that was a good place for a fragment.

The signs on Broadway were flashing advertisements for expensive Christmas gifts from Tiffany's and Calvin Klein. Just off Broadway in Macy's New York, countless shoppers were lining up to buy the overpriced trinkets of silver and cloth that seemed somehow to have replaced the nativity as the purpose of the holiday.

or

The signs on Broadway were flashing advertisements for expensive Christmas gifts from Tiffany's and Calvin Klein. Just off Broadway in Macy's New York, countless shoppers were lining up to buy overpriced trinkets of silver and cloth. Somehow, these things seemed to have replaced the Nativity as the purpose of the holiday.

Next, superfluous "That" ... About 8 times out of 10 when you use the word THAT - you don't need it.

an expensive white dress that may well have come from the same store that she she was

the second THAT is superfluous - take it out.

an expensive white dress that may well have come from the same store she was (take out the extra she too)

Much smoother. You can take out most of the That's and the piece reads better.

Passive tense - you use that a lot too. It weakens what you write. Had picked ... Why not just say picked?

Amy looked into the tote bag and made certain that she had picked something out for everyone.

becomes

Amy looked into the tote bag and made certain she picked out something for everyone.

See how much stronger the sentence is with out That and had picked? Notice I also put the picked out together - like it belongs - That is a syntax issue. Sentence structure. Picked out is actually the verb. It should be together. You have a few syntax errors.

Then there is repetition.

She hoped that her husband, Benjamin, would like the watch.

should be

She hoped Benjamin would like the watch. You already told us it was for her husband. So we know who you are talking about when you say Benjamin. Simplify!


Also take out the parenthesis. Find a way to work that into your narration - it is confusing. You can do it easily.
The only other thing is that I would add a couple bags to Amy's haul. A girl thing. All those things aren't going in one tote bag.

If you want a full edit, e mail me at [e-mail]. The work is good, just needs a sweep through edit. You will learn from these errors and most likely not make them again. Pax- C

Answer 5

it's okay