Snooping Around & Found Love letters...?

Question

We just gotten married during the summer and I found out my husband was in love with another woman while we were engaged, a month before we got married. He thought about leaving me and made me wait one month so he could think about it. I didn't know of this until now. We are doing well in our marriage but I am so deeply hurt because I just found this out accidentally. I debated confronting him about it because it was before we got married, but either way, he was thinking of leaving me for someone else while we were engaged. He has cheated on me before and left me twice for someone else in the past. I am afraid this is a pattern that will continue in our marriage and I told him I will not tolerate it. He is still friends with her and I want to ask him to not talk to her anymore but I feel guilty because he did decide to marry me in the end. I don't know how to feel, whether I should be thankful, mad, upset? We just got married. Should I ask him to stop talking to her or let it be?

He has apologized and want us to put this behind us for our futures sake. But it's very hard to trust him since this has happened before. Trust is important in marriage and right now, I just don't have that for him.

He says being married, he has made his choice when we said our vow. Right now he is in the army and everything is good. He is asking me to come live with him but I'm not too sure because I haven't started college yet.

Answer 1

It's very easy to assume that if someone cheats on you once (or in your case, twice) that they'll do it again. However, that is not always the case. I mean, everyone makes mistakes.. and everyone has the ability to change, if they really want to. So, I am not going to tell you that you should leave him, or that you got what was coming because you married him anyway..

I know that it hurts, and he was definately the one who messed up.. But, that doesn't mean that there isn't hope for you two.

He had no business writting love letters to another woman, professing his love to her.. while engaged to you. That was wrong, and I think you need to have a serious talk with him about it, and about why he did it. He needs to know that you know, and you need to both be able to talk about it, and if you want to save your marriage.. you're going to need to forgive him, and just let it go. I agree with you, he needs to break all communication with the woman he wrote the letter to. There is no reason for him to continue talking to her, especially after what you've found out. So, if he really wants to work things out.. he needs to let her go, completely. It doesn't matter if they're "just friends" now, he crossed that line with her before, and you'll never really be able to trust him as long as she's in the picture. So, you need to make sure that the two of you can agree that if you're going to work things out... that he has to stop all contact with her, starting now.

It may take a little while for him to earn your trust back, but you can make things work if you really want to. You can't let anyone else try to talk you into walking out, just because it's what they would do if they were in your situation. It's not their life, it's yours.. and only you know what needs to be done. You really have two choices here..

1) You can give up, and just walk away.
or
2) You can give it your all, and fight for your marriage.

You can't rely on other peoples opinions, when it comes to matters like this.. Just talk to your husband, and let him know what you've found. You can make it work, if you really want to.

Also, pray about it. The Lord is amazing, and He can give you strength and forgiveness that you never knew you were capable of. He will help you through this rough time, if you just turn your troubles over to Him.

I hope everything works out for you.

Take care!

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

WOW you must feel miserable inside. Iv had a similar situation. First question: Is the girl married or in a relationship? If so, then that could be the reason he chose you...because he cant have her. If she is not and he can have her then consider yourself lucky. He truely wants you. He chose to go ahead and marry you. I know the whole trust thing is HUGE...(its lacking in my marriage right now too) but if you can look at is as a fresh start...a marriage...a new relationship with him..No cheating in this one then you should be able to get by. Just tell yourself that if he should choose to mess up this marriage you are more than gone. Also, I would not want them to still be friends either. If he has apologized, then maybe he'll understand this. Tell him you are willing to make this marriage work if he lets go of her so that you are sure he's completely chosing you. Good Luck!

Answer 4

You were more interested in a wedding that in a marriage. You married a man knowing full well he had a wandering eye. These are things that you should have resolved before you got married. Having said that, your only option now is to try and make this work. Counseling is a good place to start, because even if you say you are going to ignore it, the knowledge you have now will factor into everything you do. From what you make for supper (am I cooking well enough to keep him with me), to where you live(will he leave me for so and so down the street). He needs to know what you know, and you both need to then go into counseling. You keeping this secret, and him secretly being in love with another woman will not help your marriage. For better or worse. This is the worse. Fix it before it gets worst. Hiding things from each other is not the way to go. Do you want to be a snooping, distrustful, miserable, nagging wife??? Chances are no, so start with honesty and marriage counseling.

Answer 5

you only have the past to show patternes and most the time they don't change sorry!
however your married so you could try to work it out! Putting it in the past where it belongs but always having that untrusting feeling will not be good for either of you in a relationship or for yourself as an individual!
You need to sit down today not later and find out if you can live like this! YOU not both of you YOU and YOU ALONE! don't say well if he does...BLABLa BLA then that will make me ! No
Take it as how you feel today in general and ask yourself with no if's ... Can i spend the rest of my life loving you, Trusting you, Having passion and communicating with you (you as in him)
if you are shaking or iffy on some of these answers then the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do!
I'm not for devoirse by all means that's why i'm not married yet!
But if you can find the strength to give him some trust then try it out but if you can't it won't be a healthy realationship but bottom line it's what you want not him!

Answer 6

You said trust is important in a marriage, and so is communication! You violated that "trust" when you were snooping around. Just remember, he married you, you are the one he put the ring on your finger! How will he feel if you violated that "trust" if you tell him, "honey, I was looking through your stuff, because I did not trust you, and I found these love letters, and they said that you were thinking of leaving me, while you were engaged"?? You found the letters, I take it he never mailed them??? Marriage is a big step, it is easy to get engaged, but some people really have to think long and hard about making the next step, that is marriage for life!!!! And if people are scared off by marriage, during their engagement, a lot of people break it off, because they are not ready for it, it is better to break it off, than to be married and miserable, don't you think?? He never mailed the letters, he had to do a lot of thinking, and in the end, he chose you!!! Remember that!!!

Answer 7

You shouldn't feel bad or sorry for anything. Keeping letters and talking to her is insane and foolish. Yes, he did decide to marry you but he's still hanging on to her and this will come back to bite your relationship in the butt. You need to make him understand that this behavior is unhealthy for your relationship and you won't stand for it. Marrying you means committing, loving and caring for you only and giving up on those other distractions. If he can't then it's just a matter of time before he lays the big hurt on you. Don't do nothing and hope it goes away. I would also try counseling, maybe he's to immature to understand what he is doing is wrong. Wish you the best.

Answer 8

Take it from a guy:

You're doomed. The least of your worries is confronting him...he's gonna make up an excuse that you'll believe anyway. You dont have a choice of "tolerating it"...you already did and he married you because of it. You can't ask someone not to talk to someone - that's useless because the more you tie someone down, the more they want to get away - just tell him you two arent right for eachother and move on. He's a dick for cheating and then almost leaving you, and you're a retard for marrying him in the first place. Move on.

Answer 9

If he truly is sorry and wants to put this behind in the past, then I see no reason for him to continue to keep in contact with her. He needs to stop all contact with her as this will create for bigger problems in your marriage. Stop feeling so grateful that you were the one he married that you even feel thankful and so appreciative that you do not even feel your feelings should be validated. He cheated in the past, you still married him, he says he is sorry, but yet he continues a friendship with this girl. Where is the seriousness of the marriage here?

Answer 10

Good luck on doing that. He will probably sneak around and be friends with her anyway. Too bad you didn't find this out before you married him. Since he cheated on you two other times, I really think I would not have married him. Some men have a tendency to roam and have extra-marital flings. Your guy sounds like he will do that. I also would make an appointment with my doctor and get a complete physical and testing for STDs. My ex cheated on me and gave me herpes. I would really be concerned about that than the letters.