Are you in this kind of a situation? Either compelled to make your parents happy or a mate that is?

Question

Professionally and personally I have noticed a pattern in people, women more often than men, who survive an abusive childhood (severely neglected, emotionally abused or physically abused). To me the abused person seems likely to devote his/her adulthood to pleasing the offending parent(s) seeking constant approval. A person raised in a healthy supportive environment who was encouraged to have individuality doesn’t seem to have the same need to display devotion.

The marriage partner that was abused then demands his/her mate also spends energy on a fruitless mission of making the abusive family happy. Often the installable partner then creates dilemma’s that force the stable partner to choose sides/families. A wedge is driving into the stable family.

Is anyone in this situation? What do you think the stable partner can do to maintain respect and a healthy relationship with his/her own family with a mate is creating John Steinbeck quality situations that have no happy ending?

Answer 1

SWEET! TRAVLER YOUR SMART!!! Refreshing really! Let me pause and enjoy this for a sec..... ok back to work...
Until YOU can get her to amit the problem your sort of screwed. You just be wasting your breath and efforts unless you can find away to help her to see this. The how and what you can do is a bit beyond the abilities of this simple forum for me to even guess, but its going to come down to that. ITs just like anyone else with a drug habit (bare with me people don't understand addiction to this level so don't reject me yet) See it comes down to the fact that right now she really doesn't feel at peace, she doesn't feel "happy" now thats not your fault so much as its her perceptions fault (hers). She believes deep down, like you know, that if she can get that, THAT she'll finally be happy. Now I wish I knew more about how the abuse went, which parent, how she has coped with it, but since you left that out, rrrrrr, I can't say much but general stuff here, but you need to get her to be at peace with herself. Or at peace with who she is. Now I have no clue how deep the conversation goes, how often you get her to talk about her past, or weather are not this is even talked about between you. But thats were it starts, this is one of those things that sort of a.... dance is the best word I can say, between you, her and your purpose for each other and this world, best of luck, and just don't give up being compassinate about this with her, your doing good already, requinizing the problem!