Stay a little while
Why,;can’t be the only reason
What was your disposition
When will the stars truly shine
How does my mind fold
So stay while I let down my hair
And provoke you to the demons lair
I need to touch you so I wait
I need to feel your worried arms
I need to see such purity found here
Lost the game now that you’re tame
Never to wake to arms again
Instead wallow in delusion and what could have been
Stained , a day old
Found cruel minds from the get go
Churned like a tempest
Seething till I’m here
Deserted and empty I’ve found
What I never looked for
Yet these hands sharpen the blade
Pour my spleen down the corridors of your mind
But alas I’m now found so I let it slide
To grander scenario, I shall abide
Bled like a virgin by an unkempt soul
I saw you look that way , masked deep within
Let me touch you and give credence to your sin
My mind has lost to a heavier hand
I went to the desert to make a stand
Retaliations to the voice within
I cut the chords from its throat
And put cotton in my ears
Burn in the fire of a thousand fears
2007-09-10 06:58:47 · 4 answers · asked by likeminded 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Hmmmm. This is very different from your other work. This is quite good. I like the aliterative quality of the 2nd stanza; the use of the three "I need.." statements. This technique is used extensively in Bibical text. I like your use of questions, this draws the reader into your world.
Now for where you could improve: The last stanza is weaker than the rest. It's like you weren't sure how to end your story. The ideas here don't gel as well as the first three stanzas. It's very unclear what your trying to say here.
Overall, a good job!
2007-09-10 10:27:59 · answer #1 · answered by livemoreamply 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Simply spectacular. I enjoy reading your work. It's very mature, very creative, very visual. Your writing has the ability to capture minds and pull them into your world. Please consider publishing your work. Lots of writers, especially me, could learn a lot of great things from you, in order to make ourselves better writers. Once again, wonderful job!!
2007-09-10 07:10:51 · answer #2 · answered by djb32067433_1 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a lovely peice of work i really enjoyed reading it thanks for sharing this have a wee star for your hard work :)
2007-09-10 07:03:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know honey....You should keep your day job.
2007-09-10 07:07:15 · answer #4 · answered by Lioness 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋