Extreme, angry, destructive reaction in response to being excluded and humiliated?

Question

I recently left someone who I was in a long term relationship with. The reasons why are the following.

He repeatedly excluded me from social situations. This deliberate exclusion made me feel left out, un wanted, embarassed (because I would frequently see people who were present, and they would ask me why I'm never there), humiliated and really sad.

The situation lead to alot of lying by omission on his part, and alot of hostile behavior on my part.

He was aware of my feelings, and chose not to change this behavior.

Several times during the course of our relationship, I got so fustrated and angry at being excluded that I reacted in an EXTREMELY aggressive and distructive manner. I have thrown things, destroyed clothing, screamed, yelled, made repeated threatening phone calls, and embarassed both him and myself in public.

I no longer want to have those feelings, so I left after the last outburst. Should I forgive myself? Has anyone else had similar reactions?

The social situation is as follows.
We both work in the bar industry. He owns his own bar, where I used to work. I left because we were fighting. I got a job somewhere else, and wecontinued to date. At first I swore I would never set foot in his bar again, but then I realized that I was being too sensitive. I told him that I would try to be more understanding, and I was. Since then, he never ever invited me there, and seemed to take GENUINE PLEASURE from excluding me from every event which took place there.

I feel like it was a control issue, or that he was hiding something, and when I feel that threatened, I ALWAYS HAVE A SEVERE REACTION.

These reactions do not trancend to other areas in my life. Only with my significant other. I think it's because I'm closer to them than anyone else, and they have the power to hurt you more than anyone else.

How is this MY fault?

Answer 1

It's not your fault. Your anger is a result of HIS behaviour. The exclusion, humiliation & hostility are all normal things to feel or be when you have been pushed to the limit by a person you care about. Clearly he doesn't care about his behaviour, so that's reason enough to not be with him. Your destructive behaviour - however much his fault - is only going to destroy & consume you, not him. It's also a sure fire way of keeping other people away from you. From what you said about him excluding you from functions at his bar, it really seems to me that he got pissed off after you quit & is doing this strictly to get back at you. This isn't a real relationship. He recieves "extremely genuine pleasure" from making you feel bad & destructive. He doesn't care about you, he just wants to mess with your mind & completely break you down. And he sees it's working. In the end he'll break up with you telling you, you have anger problems & it's your fault it's ending. It's your behaviour not his that led to it. This will drive you even more crazy mad then you thought possible. This guy is a manipulator. Forgive yourself, you derserve it. Regardless of whatever anyone else tells you, it's completely his fault. There's a quote "We are the products of our environment". & in this case, you are the product of his environment. So many people willl never understand because these kind of relationships aren't exactly common. You deserve to be with someone who actually cares about you. Someone who finds pleasure in your pain doesn't care about you in any way. If you end up staying with him, you'll drive yourself deeper into this anger, and it'll get to the point where it won't only be directed at him. You'll do it with all the people who care about you & become greatly insecure which can lead to more problems and affect any relationship you have in the future. I know this all too well, I've been through it & had to deal with it. I became - & still am to a certain degree - very aggressive. It went from me being angry at one person for big things to gradually getting angry at my close friends & people in my family over small, petty things. One time the doorbell rang & I was getting changed so I called out to my sister to answer it.. She didn't do it fast enough so when I walked through the lounge room to open the door I picked up a a tall, thick candle & chucked it at her. I was so enraged over something so small & stupid. When I realised I had an anger problem I made a conscious effort to try & relax my mind. So whenever I get mad now, I just clench my fists & take a deep breath in & hold it for a few seconds, then i unclench my fists & breathe out. Anyway, this guy is a problem, the solution is getting rid of him for good because unless you do, your destructive behaviour will only get worse. & really try not to call him to talk or to threaten, don't give him the satisfaction of going back to him. If you threaten + use violence, you never know, could find yourself in jail, all because of him. It's not worth it & he's definitely not worth it. We are all responsible for our own actions do please don't let him take control of yours.

Answer 2

So if it were a man who ONLY throws things at his significant other, or ONLY destroys his woman's things or ONLY screams and threatens her, you wouldn't call him abusive as it never transcends to other areas of his life?

Give me a break. You don't do it to anyone else because deep inside you KNOW it is wrong.


I think you really don't want to be this way as it will leave you to eventually die alone, un-loved and un-mourned.

Please get help for your anger issues. You must be better than THIS


I wish you the very best of luck!

Answer 3

I'm irritated that consistent with a up to date Gallup ballot , best forty five percentage of Americans could vote for an atheist for President. I'm irritated that atheist conventions have got to have additional safety, adding hand held steel detectors and bag searches, considering that of fatwas and demise threats. I'm irritated that atheist infantrymen -- within the U.S. military -- have had prayer ceremonies harassed on them and atheist conferences damaged up via Christian awesome officials, in direct violation of the First Amendment. I'm irritated that evangelical Christian businesses are being given extraordinary entry to proselytize on navy bases -- once more within the U.S. military, once more in direct violation of the First Amendment. I'm irritated that atheist infantrymen who're complaining approximately this are being pressured and are even getting demise threats from Christian infantrymen and awesome officials -- over again, within the U.S. military. And I'm irritated that Christians nonetheless say boastful, sanctimonious matters like, "there aren't any atheists in foxholes." You realize why you are now not seeing atheists in foxholes? Because believers are threatening to shoot them if they arrive out.

Answer 4

This may be a simplistic answer but I generally lean towards the KISS (keep it super simple);

"Let go and forgive yourself and him of the negative stuff, it truly doesn't do any good to hang on to it."

Simply Do What Makes You Happy

You could also treat him the way you would have him treat you.

Answer 5

I can understand your frustration. However, your relatively violent reaction is probably not the best way to handle the situation, as you've determined. I strongly urge counseling; anger is fine, but it's something that must be controlled lest you harm yourself or someone else.

Answer 6

There is no cure for the psychopath, and no quick exits for victims on their road to hell. Sad but true. Psychopaths do what they do because that is who they are. It is what they do. There is no drug that will temper their destructive force or curb their insatiable thirst for lies and deceit. For normal human beings there is self-restraint, empathy, compassion, love, truth and honesty. Psychopaths feel none of these emotions; recognize none of these qualities. They live only in the kingdom of the P. They take what they want, when they want because they want it. And then they move on to their next victim. So, the suggestion to you is, change yourself, and stop dating people who feed into this type of behaviors, it is not healthy.

Answer 7

indeed, be cool, no one wants to be around a crazy woman. Be prepared to be more understanding next time with another guy. Dont let yourself be excluded, be intoxicatingly exciting